BLEACH Weekly Tabloid
by Kiba Wolf
Summary: Your source for all of the hottest scandals and latest trends in the Soul Society and beyond! Weekly updates based on circulation. Rated T for blatent use of censor. Multiple characters and pairings, all for laughs.
1. Hitsugaya censors

**A/N:** _Not much to say, just enjoy. This is all for laughs. Reviews are appreciated._

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hitsugaya [censors]**

Welcome to our first edition of the BLEACH weekly tabloid, now available for purchase in Hueco Mundo! On another, totally unrelated note, we beg the hollows to please _stop_ trying to eat our salesmen! Little Jimmy had to go into therapy because of you naughty little hollows!

Moving on, our cover story for this week's edition revolves around everyone's favorite and shortest captain: Toshiro Hitsugaya! Earlier today we contacted the Squad Ten division headquarters only for a drunk Rangiku to pick up the phone! I like using exclamation marks! Our conversation with Ms. Matsumoto went something like this:

Rangiku Matsumoto: Hallo? Whozit?

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hello, we're with the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid and we—!

RM: Don'wan any.

BWT: Uh, excuse us?

RM: I told you I don't want any! Now shtop calling me Gin!

After this remark the phone call was promptly disconnected, and so we tried again later! This time our luck was a little better as it was the third seat of the squad who remains unnamed and unimportant! The second call happened a little like this:

Third Seat: Hello, Squad Ten headquarters, how may I help you?

BWT: Hello good sir, we were wondering if you could help us set up a meeting with your beloved captain!

TS: Beloved?

BWT: So it's agreed! Great we'll be over at four—make sure you make some tea!

With that we were off to the Soul Society, ready for our rare interview with the elusive Squad Ten captain! On our way we reflected on our amazing and enthralling discussion with Lieutenant Matsumoto. Our thought process went something like this:

BWT: Why do we always think in the plural? Hey, did you notice Matsumoto mention something about Gin? Oh, we've got our cover story for next week! Score!

At long last we reached the Squad Ten Headquarters and prepared for the bread and butter of this story: our interview with Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya! Walking into his office you could just tell he was one classy fellow. All of his paperwork was all nice and organized, waiting to be sent off, and not a speck of dust to be found. With the exception of Matsumoto, who was passed out on the couch surrounded by suspiciously empty bottles, this was one sleek office.

We waited patiently for the young captain to arrive, and while we waited we took the liberty to search his office for juicy gossip—all in the name of the reader! Searching his desk revealed some rather interesting photos of several other captains as well as some particularly embarrassing shots of Lieutenant Hinamori—shots that can now be found on page 42!

As we rifled through his once orderly desk drawers, who would appear but the captain himself? In a rather loud voice he asked us, "What the [censor] are you doing in my office? Who are you [censor] stalkers?" To which we wisely replied:

"We'll ask the questions here, if you don't mind."

With a vain that looked close to bursting on his forehead we decided it would be a good time to explain to the dearest captain what was going on. After we told him the third seat was responsible for letting us in he promptly muttered something along the lines of, "He is so dead." Reluctantly Mr. Hitsugaya agreed to go through with the interview, despite not being forewarned. What a sport!

The following interview takes place between five and six o'clock in the evening on September twenty-first. All opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of BWT or its associates, and is brought to you by Soul Shiners. For the brightest shining Zanpakuto in all the Seireitei go to Soul Shiners!

BWT: Thank you so much for having us Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya—may we call you Toshiro?

Toshiro Hitsugaya: No, you may not.

BWT: Great! So, Toshiro, we've caught wind that you may be involved in some sort of secret relationship with—!

TH: Whatever you heard it's not true.

BWT: If you say so! Why not tell us what you think of the Seireitei and being a Soul Reaper?

TH: Uh, well I never really wanted to be a Soul Reaper originally, but it's not a half bad gig. I mean, I get paid, housed, fed… Everything I need is provided for me, so really I couldn't complain. The Seireitei itself could use some better defense, but it's not that bad. I mean we've only had three break-ins in the last few months; that's practically a new record!

BWT: …

TH: What?

BWT: We're moving on now! Do you have any advice for those young aspiring Soul Reapers?

TH: Sure, I mean, the Soul Reaper business is tough, so know what you're getting into before it's too late. If you're certain you want to go through with it just do like I did—put all your heart into it, fly through the academy, and allow your once warm hearts to freeze over with hate and spite—wait no that's not what I—!

BWT: Too late! You said it; it's official!

TH: Stop dancing around, idiot!

BWT: Hey, we will not be called idiots by a child two feet shorter than us!

TH: You are not two feet taller than me! And I'm not a child! And you are too idiots!

BWT: Whatever you say, Toshiro.

TH: Captain Hitsugaya!

BWT: We don't care! Hey, wait does that mean you do have a short-person complex?

TH: I hope you fall down a flight of stairs and break both your legs on the way home.

BWT: We hope so too because that's called workers comp!

TH: Yeah, so are we done here?

BWT: One more question actually!

TH: Oh please allow a black hole to swallow this person up…

BWT: What do you think of the insane romance between Lieutenant Momo Hinamori and Captain Sosuke Aizen?

TH: What did you… just… say?

BWT: Hey, you're looking a little pale there; are you okay buddy?

TH: Momo and… Aizen… What do I think?

BWT: Well… that was the question…

TH: What…do…I…_think?_

BWT: We're scared!

TH: Momo would never be involved with a scumbag like Aizen! She's smarter than that, and way too good for Aizen! So you know what? You know what I think?

BWT: No but we'd appreciate it if you'd tell us!

TH: I think Aizen needs to burn and rot in [censor]! I think he needs to suffer a horrible [censor] death involving [censor] hallows [censor] [censor]!

BWT: We're not even sure if you can create a grammatically correct sentence with that many censors!

TH: I mean, come on! Why did the creator have to be so unfair? I mean look at him! Just look at him! He's [censor] sexy! Have you seen him since he changed his hair? He has [censor] dogs in heat just by [censor] looking at him! Why does he have to be drawn so sexy? I can be sexy too [censor] it! If you're reading this Aizen: Die [censor] die! Aizen you [censor] die! Die [censor], die [censor], die [censor]!

BWT: We never knew you had such a colorful vocabulary! We'll be leaving now since you are frightening us a great deal! Thank you so much for your time!

And so ended our interview with Toshiro Hitsugaya as he broke down into sobs, repeatedly slamming his fist against the desk, screaming, "Why Momo, why?"

Unfortunately that's all for the cover story of the week! Be sure to check out those rather revealing photos of Lieutenant Hinamori on page 42, as well as the full-colored, centerfold pull out of Yoruichi—in her cat form, you sick, sick people! Now we must end our report as Captain Hitsugaya has just reached into his desk drawer for comfort and is now screaming at the top of his lungs, "Where are my [censor] pictures?"


	2. Byakuya Special

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Byakuya Special**

Live from the Seireitei it's your number one source for all the hottest scandals and latest trends: this is the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! Although we don't encourage it, fangirls are allowed to swoon, foam at the mouth, and viciously claw their way to this week's enticing Byakuya edition! That's right ladies and gentlemen (although we really hope there's more ladies!) this week's issue is all about the head of the last true royal family in the Soul Society! This week, we give you:

Byakuya Kuchiki!

Now that's enough endorsing, let's get down to business shall we?

To start off our wonderful journey through the one known as Byakuya we decided to conduct some interviews with friends of Mr. Kuchiki (which reminds us: the editor requests you don't berate us for the use of American titles. We are not Japanese!)

And kicking off our series of interviews is none other than Renji Abarai, Lieutenant of Squad Six! We found Mr. Abarai casually sitting in the restroom, found on site at the Squad Six training grounds. Naturally we did the only humane thing and pushed the port-a-potty over. We laughed for quite some time as the helpless red haired idiot rolled end over end, landing with an expert flare at the bottom of a pond.

But that's not important! After we fished Renji out and accused one of the lower-ranking peons of doing the deed, we convinced Mr. Abarai to partake in this interview.

Renji Abarai: Uh. So what did you say this is about again?

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: We were wondering if you could share a few words concerning your captain.

RA: Is this being recorded or published in any way?

BWT: Not if it means getting a slightly more interesting answer!

RA: Oh, well, if that's the case…

BWT: …

RA: I wish I could transfer!

At this point Renji breaks into rather obnoxious, snort-filled sobbing. We patiently give him a few seconds before dumping ice water on his head.

RA: I'm sorry. It's just that… he's so cruel and unfair! I mean come on look at the guy! Who dresses like that?

BWT: We don't think you have any room to talk, Red Pineapple!

RA: Yeah, whatever. The point is, well, you try living with him! Half the squad has filed for a transfer, and most of them have only been here a few weeks! We are possibly the dullest, most boring squad out of all thirteen! Take this application for example!

Renji generously allowed us to copy the notice of transfer into the magazine for your viewing pleasure!

Official Notice of Transfer, Squad Six, Member 56032:

I am writing to ask—no beg—for a transfer out of Squad Six. Captain Kuchiki is a dead man—and I don't mean that in a threatening way! He has no soul! He just stands around staring off into space half the time! He never even allows us to take care of anything! I mean have you ever even seen one of us on BLEACH? Please allow me to move to Squad Four, where I hear they are in desperate need of help. Cleaning sewers is better than hanging around this place. Oh for the love of Yamamoto—healing dead men is livelier than watching Byakuya for five minutes!

Utmost respect,

Member 56032

BWT: Now that is awkward!

RA: That's only scratching the surface! At night, I'll sometimes see him creeping around, and every now and again I see him gawking at Rukia when he thinks no one's watching.

BWT: Okay, that will be quite enough!

RA: It's his sister! I don't care if she is adopted!

BWT: Just what we needed: another crazy person!

RA: I mean he doesn't like me just because I'm her friend—I think he's some sort of sick pedophile! Wait… are you leaving? No, please! Come back! Don't leave me here!

So ended our thrilling interview with Renji.

Next on our star-studded list of interviews was the adoptive sister of Byakuya herself: Rukia Kuchiki. As most people know there are plenty of rumors constantly swirling about this young clan member, all of which started with her unheard of adoption into the Kuchiki Clan! Nowadays there are rumors about her affair with a substitute shinigami, among other topics, which will be divulged in future issues!

As we arrived on scene at one Ichigo Kurosaki's bedroom, we couldn't help but wait outside for a moment and spy—we mean listen with great interest to the sounds coming from within, which were recorded as such:

Female Voice: Stop it! Your sisters might be home or dad and what would they think—.

Male Voice: They're not home and you know it—come on, just a quickie.

FV: Not right no—oh! Oh, oh, oh…

MV: What was that you were saying?

FV: Shut up and kiss me, idiot.

Since continuing the publishing of this story would change the rating, we quickly stopped recording and banged on the door, yelling, "Hello in there!"

Crashes, curses, and multiple thumps were heard in response.

After a short wait the door flew open to reveal Rukia Kuchiki herself standing, hair a-mess, clothes wrinkled and sloppy, and panting. We also noticed the window was opened, and by open we do of course mean utterly destroyed with some glass still falling from the frame making a pleasant tinkling noise, almost like wind chimes. Violently created wind chimes.

BWT: Hello there Rukia, are you ready for your interview?

Rukia Kuchiki: What interview?

BWT: The one you agreed to!

RK: I never agreed to an interview!

BWT: Whatever you say… we suppose we could go back to the Soul Society and give Byakuya this rather incriminating recording instead.

At this point we played the above-mentioned conversation we heard through the door, and watched as Ms. Kuchiki's eyes widened in horror. After hearing this recording she quickly re-agreed to the interview on the terms the tape was destroyed—we had our fingers crossed the entire time!

RK: Okay, so what do you want to know?

BWT: Is it true you're having an affair with not only Ichigo but also Renji?

RK: I-us-uh-uh…

BWT: Oops! That one's for next time. Okay here's the real question: What do you think of Byakuya?

RK: Wait next time?

BWT: So you do hate him, is that correct?

RK: What? No? Hey, I didn't say that!

BWT: Sure, sure, whatever you say.

RK: He adopted me into his own family; I could never hate him!

BWT: We could cut that never out of the recording with some fancy video editing and no one would be the wiser.

RK: You're really getting on my last nerve, you know that?

Suddenly and without warning the door flew open and distracted us from her remark! There stood Ichigo, panting, bleeding, and rather angry looking—more so than normal! Rukia covered her face with her hand, muttering something about, "Today is just _not_ for me." Ichigo marched over, tripping over our cameraman who had been laying on the floor, and started yelling at poor Rukia.

Lover's abuse? We report next week…

Back to the special at hand, we decided to take advantage of this moment and ask young Ichigo about his thoughts on Byakuya.

Ichigo Kurosaki: You threw me out the [censor] window! [Censor] [censor]!

BWT: Hello there! Can you tell us what you think of Byakuya Kuchiki?

IK: Who the [censor] are you?

BWT: Funny, that's the second time in a week we've been asked that!

IK: Whatever. What do I think of Byakuya? He's the biggest jerk who's ever lived that's what I think. I don't care what kind of excuses he's trying to make up, it all comes down to that stick up his [censor].

BWT: That may be the most insightful thing said all day! Thanks for your time; we'll be leaving now!

RK: Wait, what about my interview?

BWT: What interview?

On that note, we quickly made our way back to the Soul Society to find Byakuya and wrap up this special before we ran out of fuel! Not surprisingly we found Mr. Kuchiki in the Squad Six barracks, by himself, staring at what we assumed must've been a bird. Just for kicks, we snuck up behind him and screamed, "Boo!" at the top of our lungs. This caused Mr. Kuchiki to cringe visibly and flinch towards his Zanpakuto.

BWT: Ready for that interview?

Byakuya Kuchiki: What interview?

BWT: Oh, Byakuya, you slay, but we already used that joke!

BK: Can you give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you in the next thirty seconds?

BWT: We're publishing a special on you and your awesomeness!

BK: …A special?

BWT: For this… thing…

An awkward silence falls over us for a moment.

BK: Fine, make it quick.

BWT: Okay! Since we don't want to die, we'll stick with one question! Is it true, while Rukia, Ichigo, and company were in Hueco Mundo against the Soul Society's wishes, that your "brotherly senses" were tingling?

BK: Excuse me?

BWT: Oh, you know, when Rukia was separated from Ichigo and friends in the Forest of Menos during yet another anime filler arc. It was around episode 147…

BK: …Of course it was.

BWT: Just answer the question.

BK: …No.

BWT: Why not?

BK: This interview is pointless—I'm leaving now.

At this point, BLEACH Weekly Tabloid struck yet another chord of luck as a drunken member of Squad Six stumbled in out of nowhere!

Drunken Squad Member: Waz goin' on?

BWT: We're trying to get Byakuya to admit he comes equipped (waiting for fangirl squeals to die down) with a Rukia-is-in-trouble sensor!

DSM: Oh, like durin' tha one episode with 'em filler thingz?

BWT: Indeed we are good sir!

DSM: Oh, haha, yeah, tha waz funny. He waz sittin' in th' corner o' 'is room in tha fetal position!

BWT: You don't say!

DSM: Uh-hu. Uh-oh, think it's time to go… (The drunken squad member passes out at this point, and Byakuya kicks him off the walkway and into the grass, a little harder than necessary.)

BK: That's not true.

BWT: …

BK: … I didn't think anyone saw!

BWT: So you do admit to the built-in radar.

BK: I had it installed to keep track of Rukia—it was to help me keep a promise to a… well, that's not something I'd like to share.

BWT: You don't have to! Most everyone already knows!

BK: What?

BWT: So you do stalk Rukia, is that correct?

BK: No, the radar just had some… unmentionable side affects.

BWT: …You are a pedophile! Renji was right!

BK: Renji? Wait, no, that's not what I—!

BWT: Too late!

With this we promptly fled the scene, hearing the words, "Scatter, Senbonzakura," echoing behind us. Which brings us to the current moment. After a day full of Byakuya stalking, we here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid hope you enjoyed this special. The regular issue will be published on Sunday as always. Until then—Oh, no, he's found his way to our secret lair!

Please stand by!

**A/N:** _Just popping in to say hello, and that this episode is dedicated to the first reviewer: smartdeedee. It's also a good time to mention I do take suggestions, as I'm always up to the challenge of a new perspective. However I am not an author who will only update if you give me ideas either, or even review for that matter._

_TGIF,_

_Kiba_


	3. Ranginku?

**A/N: **_To Gin&Tonic, thanks for the idea and review. I promise there will be Yoruichi and Urahara madness in the future (some of my personal favorite characters right there!) To everyone else, hope you continue to enjoy the "story"._

_~Kiba_

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Ran-gin-ku? **

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

Welcome to another _fascinating _issue of the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! This week we return to Squad Ten to seek out the morally questionable lieutenant of the division: Rangiku Matsumoto! More specifically the "secret relationship" between her and one Gin Ichimaru!

According to some—er—surveillance we conducted, the lieutenant kept in contact with one Gin Ichimaru even after he left the Seireitei to join Aizen's—Momo Hinamori appears out of nowhere.

Momo Hinamori: Did someone say Aizen?

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: …Maybe?

MH: Do you know where he is? Can you take me to him? Aizen! Aizen! Aizen!

BWT: Security! Security! Security!

After a brief scuffle and one very angry, icy soul reaper intervention, Momo was carried off to the psych ward where she would be, "happier." We think they were referring to the drugs they shot her with!

Moving on!

Today we take you to Hueco Mundo to talk with some of the folk there about Gin's relationship with Rangiku. First we talked to the man in charge himself—Aizen! As many of you are probably aware, Aizen is a very busy person, what with the mass murder, take over the world agenda. Luckily for us, no man is immune to the charms of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid!

We entered the depths of Aizen's keep to many surprised yelps and a few unkind words, such as Grimmjow's rudimentary greeting of, "Who the [censor] are you [censor]ers?"

It's like mommy always told us: ignore the strange people sitting on the corner.

At long last we reached Aizen's throne room, a wide, open space, filled with the dread of souls. What a lovely ambience!

BWT: Hey Aizen—what are you doing?

Sosuke Aizen, who had been staring off into space: Hm? Oh. I was just thinking of ways to torture people. I'm up to way number 782—death by chocolate.

BWT: We are now on a diet! Thank you Aizen!

SA: Not a problem. Now, what is it you need?

BWT: Well… We… Uh…

SA: What is it?

BWT: We're just not used to people cooperating without some kind of fuss… it's a little weird.

SA: Oh, would you like me to bring Grimmjow in?

BWT: No, that's okay we just said hi to him!

Somewhere, far away in Aizen's keep, muffled sounds of, "I'm gonna kill you [censor]ers!" could be heard coming from one of the many secret bathrooms scattered through out the massive castle, as Grimmjow struggles to remove his head from a toilet.

SA: That was rather awkward and unnecessary, don't you think?

BWT: Of course we think!

SA: …

BWT: So what do _you_ think of the fact that Gin is still tight with the Soul Reapers and one Soul Reaper in particular, and has everyone betting that he'll betray you in the end to rejoin said particular Soul Reaper?

SA: Oh, so you can get to the point granted enough time.

BWT, in a singsong voice: _You're avo-oiding the quest-tion_!

SA: I don't need to answer, I know it's all nonsense—isn't that right, Gin?

Ichimaru himself slinks out of the shadows, sweating profusely and mouthing the words, "who told you?" while looking panic-stricken at us.

Gin Ichimaru: Why, Lord Aizen, you know as well as I do that I'd never dare to betray you!

SA: Is that so? Then, why are you sweating so much, Gin?

GI, laughing nervously: Whatever do you mean Lord Aizen?

Kaname Tosen jumps out of, quiet literally nowhere, severs the arm of a random Arrancar and then proceeds to blowing said arm up.

Kaname Tosen: Justice!

SA: [Censor] Tosen! I told you to stop doing that! What am I supposed to do with an army of one-armed Arrancar?

Unfortunately, Tosen disappears before answering and Aizen simply pinches the bridge of his nose in a manner we assume is frustration.

GI: So, I'll just be going now, okay?

SA: No. You. Stay. Here.

BWT: We suddenly feel out of place!

GI: You people shut up; this is all your fault!

BWT: Hey, don't blame us for your stupidity!

GI: That doesn't even make sense!

SA: That will be quite enough. Gin, just tell us the truth; I promise you won't be penalized for it.

GI: Really, Lord Aizen?

SA: Of course, when have I ever lied to anyone?

BWT: We will refrain from comment!

GI: Well… the truth is…

Everyone in the room, one-armed Arrancar included, lean forward in their seats at this point, waiting with bated breath for the answer of the century. We wait with pens on paper, recorders at the ready. Even Aizen himself seems interested in the answer, and is now at the edge of his throne.

GI: I—!

Suddenly, and in a totally unpredictable manner, a loud explosion is heard as the roof is blown to bits and in flies multiple Soul Reapers! Arrancar and Soul Reapers alike race about, taking up fighting stances as the entire room turns into one chaotic tornado of shouting and sword clanging!

Rangiku Matsumoto: Captain! Quickly, destroy their recording devices!

BWT: Are you talking about us?

Toshiro Hitsugaya: My pleasure!

BWT: Hey! You are talking about us!

Swiftly Captain Hitsugaya destroys our recording devices and we are left stranded in the middle of an epic fight without a way to publish a word of it—or so they thought.

SA: Enough! Stop at once—all of you!

Abruptly everyone in the room freezes, swords in mid-air, fists millimeters from contact. Even we find ourselves speechless at Aizen's outburst.

SA: Now then, let's get some tea, and discuss this like civilized human beings—.

Everyone in the room gives him a weird look.

SA: —Uh, civilized undead.

RM: Allow me to explain.

Once again everyone silently shifts attention to the lieutenant of squad ten. Everyone with the exception of Rukia and Renji who are currently making out in the corner of the room.

RM: You see, once we in the Seireitei got wind of those guys showing up here.

BWT: It's not nice to point!

RM: We realized we had to get down here and stop them before they embarrassed all of you as well.

SA: I don't believe I quite understand. Wouldn't you be rooting for them if they were here to embarrass us?

BWT: Hey! We're still here!

RM: No one deserves to be made a fool of by them—especially not by them.

BWT: That hurt our feelings!

GI: Rangiku…

TH: We need to move out; our work here is done.

We couldn't help but notice how Captain Hitsugaya glared at Aizen the entire time he was speaking. Naturally another person randomly jumps out of nowhere and glomps Aizen!

SA: Ah! Who are you—wait… Momo?

MH: _Cap-tain Ai-zen!_

TH: Momo! I thought we locked you up—uh, I mean, I thought you were still safe in the Seireitei!

MH: Oh silly Little Shiro, nothing can stop true love!

Toshiro curls up into a tiny ball and started whimpering at this, which Momo completely ignores as she firmly attaches herself to Aizen's leg.

SA: Gin! Get her off right now! She's creeping me out—not an easy thing to do, living with you!

GI: At once, sir!

Several minutes of struggle, several Soul Reapers, Arrancar, Captain Hitsugaya, Ichimaru, and Aizen later, Momo is finally removed and sent back along with Rukia and Renji who, quite frankly, weren't really helping anyways. Most everyone else followed suit afterwards with the exception of Rangiku and Gin, who remained in the throne room patiently waiting for everyone to clear out.

We hid and observed.

RM: I better get going, you know how the captain can get when I'm late.

GI: Like that's ever stopped you before, neh?

RM: Yeah, well…

Gin leans towards Rangiku, and she leans towards him. We lean forward, cameras at the ready. Slowly… slowly…

_**Bang!**_

RM: Who's there?

BWT: Oops.

GI: You again? I thought we killed you!

BWT: Haha, you can't kill us, we're the gingerbread men!

RM: …

GI: Shoot to kill, Shinsō!

Naturally we didn't stick around for long. Something told us they wanted some privacy. Perhaps it was that stabbing feeling in our gut, but much like the mystery surrounding Ichimaru and Matsumoto's relationship, we may never know.

Once again, this concludes another issue of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid. We'll be in the Squad Four hospital room for quite some time; perhaps while we're here we could look into some interesting rumors surrounding Captain Unohana…


	4. Doctor Unohana

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Doctor Unohana **

Reporting from the hottest spot in the Seireitei, it's BLEACH Weekly Tabloid live in Unohana's office! As always, we'd like to remind you that you should not piggyback on Kenny, despite what Ikkaku tells you!

This week we take a look at the innermost workings of the legendary Squad Four barracks! The massive, well-equipped hospital sets in the central-most area of the Seireitei for easy access and easy protection! Or in this case easy hiding! So, hidden in an upper room of the Squad Four emergency room, we patiently waited to come across a story.

Then we got bored and decided to create our own! The conversation used to get out of the locked room went something like this:

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hey, you, let us out!

Hanataro Yamada: Um, Captain Unohana told me not to listen to your insane chatter…

BWT: Insane? Now that's not nice at all—is it?

HY: Well, I guess not, but that's what she said and she _is_ my captain…

BWT: So it's okay to discriminate because your captain told you to?

HY: Well, no, but—well I mean—!

BWT: —No, no! We get it! You hate us!

HY: Wait I didn't say—!

BWT: —Gosh, why don't you just leave us so we can die in peace!

HY: Hey, hold on! You don't have to hurt yourself or die or anything I like you just fine! Oh, please don't do anything insane!

At this point the unwitting short-man flung the door open, thus freeing us from our prison!

BWT: Haha, fools!

HY: Ouch—My head is not a springboard! Stop! You can't leave I'll get in trouble! Please come back—!

We promptly fled down the hall, desperately looking for a story to entertain our dearest readers. Turning one of many corners found us running headlong into none other than Kenpachi Zaraki!

Kenpachi Zaraki: Hey, what do you think you're doing running into me like that?

BWT: Well—!

KZ: Do you know who I am?

Suddenly Mr. Zaraki started to grin maniacally and release his spiritual pressure quite rapidly, casting a yellow glow about him.

BWT: Wow! You're even more insane than we are!

KZ: Hahah! You picked the wrong corner to turn—prepare to die!

BWT: …This won't look good on the insurance report.

Luckily, just as Kenpachi raised his sword in preparation to murder us in a bloody, M-rated matter, who would turn the corner (again) but Captain Retsu Unohana herself!

Retsu Unohana: Captain Zaraki, I do believe I asked you to stay in your room; you too Mr… Tabloid Person.

BWT: That's Mr. Tabloid People to you.

KZ: There's only one of you, so it's person.

BWT: Don't be racist, Kenpachi.

KZ: Why I oughta—!

RU: Now, now, why don't you both stop the bickering and head back to bed?

BWT: Wow, that is a creepy smile!

KZ: Hey, watch what you say about her!

BWT: Ooooo does Kenny have a crush?

KZ: The only thing I'll be crushing here is your skull!

BWT: Mommy Unohana big, scary, eye-patch, dog collar man is scaring us!

RU: …Never say that again.

BWT: What? Big, scary—!

KZ: Oh would you shut up for once? Geez, you're annoying even me, and that takes a lot considering the morons I put up with on a daily basis!

BWT: So I guess those rooms about you and—!

KZ: I'm about five seconds from turning you into dog meat—no better! Five seconds from turning you into Squad Eleven meat!

BWT: You're a squad of cannibals then?

KZ: What? No! Do you even watch this show?

BWT: What show?

KZ: …

RU: Okay that's quite enough—Kenpachi?

KZ: Yeah?

RU: Please go back to your own barracks unless you have further business here.

KZ: Wait a minute are you kicking me out?

RU: As for you… tabloid people… I strongly suggest you leave—now.

BWT: You scare us!

KZ: Wait I'm not done here!

BWT: Time to find the next great story!

KZ: Hey, hold on! I said I'm not finished!

BWT: Thanks for the yummy hospital food Unohana!

RU: You're quite welcome, be on your way now.

BWT: O~kay!

KZ: What about me?

BWT: What about you?

KZ: …

BWT: Glad that's settled, now, as Gin would say: Bye bye!

On that note we continued on down the hall, skipping along and singing like… like… some person who sings!

BWT: Gee, this sure is a boring issue we've got going here.

Ikkaku Madarame: Why are you freaks talking to yourself?

BWT: And a fine good day to you sir!

IM: I thought you got kicked out of the Seireitei with that first issue you published—do you realize you've emotionally scarred him?

BWT: We've been known to do that to people!

IM: …Just get out of here.

BWT: Wait! We have a question for you!

IM: Ha! You can't fool me with your fancy journalist speak! I know how to evade your stupid questions!

BWT: Oh really?

IM: Yeah really!

BWT: Haha! You answered us!

IM: Grr…

We felt it wise at this point, watching Mr. Madarame drawing his sword, to run in the opposite direction around another corner! Our next super-surprise guest in this weeks issue just happened to be:

Kaien Shiba?

Wait, what time zone are we in again?

Kaien Shiba: Whoa, watch it, Twerp!

BWT: …

KS: Is there something wrong with you or are you always this disrespectful to your superiors?

BWT: … For once we just don't know what to say.

KS: Is that so?

BWT: Yes, it's quite a strange feeling.

KS: …

BWT: …

KS: Right. So are you gonna move or will I have to get my assistant here to move ya?

BWT: Wait—Kaien Shiba never had an assistant! You were Squad Thirteen's lieutenant!

KS: I don't know what kind of drugs you're on, but I do have an assistant, see?

On cue, none other than Rukia Kuchiki rounds the magic corner of doom.

Rukia Kuchiki: You called, Kaien?

BWT: Wow, we never thought her voice could be so thickly saturated with… wait was that love?

RK: L-love?

KS: Yes, Rukia, love.

BWT: We don't approve of this pairing!

KS: I'm sorry did I ask you?

RK: Kaien, I-I don't understand!

KS: Rukia, you can be so stupid at times. Don't you see?

RK: K-Kaien!

BWT: Wait no! Don't do that! Curses, this tabloid is rated T! T we say!

One may think his or her day can get no stranger, and then Ichigo Kurosaki turns a magical corner and stomps over to find a black-haired version of himself making out with Byakuya's little sister. We need to lay off the sugar.

Ichigo Kurosaki: Who the [censor] are you? And what are you doing with Rukia?

KS: Who the [censor] am I? How about who the [censor] are you? And what does it look like I'm doing?

IK: It looks like you're trying to rape her! Where's Byakuya when you actually need him?

KS: Rape? You're accusing me of rape? For your information, moron, it's not rape if it's condoned!

IK: Why you—!

BWT: This is a bit more weird than normal!

IK: Zangetsu!

KS: Swinging your sword at me, boy? I'll teach you some manners!

Just as a bloody battle was about to ensue we closed our eyes, and upon opening them after hearing no sound of death, found ourselves back in the emergency room.

BWT: Hey, wait didn't we leave this place like three pages ago?

Retsu Unohana: You haven't left this room since you got here.

BWT: But what about—?

Suddenly the door to the clinic room flew open and with a flourish stood Isane Kotetsu—better known as the lieutenant of the wimpy squad—um, we mean 'Squad Four'.

Isane Kotetsu: I can explain everything.

RU: Where have you been all day?

IK: Well you see, I drugged this man—.

BWT: Men.

IK: There's only one of you.

BWT: …

IK: …

RU: …

IK: As I was saying, I sedated this—these people earlier, but I seem to have used the wrong drug.

RU: What drug did you use on them?

BWT: Hold it! T rating! For the love of Yamamoto T rating!

IK: Uh, a bad drug that kids and teens should never use?

BWT: Thank you!

RU: So he—they were hallucinating?

IK: It would seem so—I'm sorry for the trouble, Captain.

RU: It's no problem but… what did you see?

BWT: Uhm… Look! A bird!

IK: A wha-?

UR: Where?

With our captors distracted we quickly fled the room… again. That's all for this week's filler tabloid. In the upcoming week we'll be coming at you with at least one special, if not two, along with our normally scheduled program. Until then—is that Kaien again?


	5. Awkward Special

**A/N:** _Neh, not the best chapter, but here it is._

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Awkward Special**

Welcome to the special of the week: liver! We mean: awkward phrases sure to spoil any mood! Yes, any mood! Fangirls were injured, and some died, during the making of this special—please enjoy!

Today we interviewed multiple people ranging from the Seireitei all the way down to Hueco Mundo, asking them for their best awkward phrases and boy did they respond! First up, the Seireitei!

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Say you were on a date with the woman of your dreams…

Byakuya Kuchiki: Fine.

BWT: And she asked to see your zanpakuto's released form…

BK: …I don't find that humorous.

BWT: Well we do! Thanks for your time… Flower-Man.

BK: Don't make me kill you…

So we left Byakuya and bumped into Renji on our way out.

BWT: Number one awkward moment?

Renji Arabia: The girl of your dreams breaking up with you by saying, "I met this orange haired kid in the world of the living."

BWT: That was… oddly specific.

Moving on we headed over to the Stealth Force – also known as Squad Two!

BWT: Soifon!

Soifon: That's Captain Soifon to you… wait who are you?

BWT: We're—!

S: Doesn't matter, out of my sight.

BWT: Wait! What about your number one awkward moment?

S: My number one awkward moment…

A far-off look overcomes the captain until she starts muttering angrily about "good-for-nothing, running away with the creep from Research and Development!" Figuring that about answered that question we skipped off to find our next victim—uh, candidate! We found ourselves in the Squad Five barracks, faced with an angry Captain Hitsugaya and stunned Lieutenant Hinamori!

BWT: What's the number one way to kill a mood in your opinion, Captain T?

Toshiro Hitsugaya: What did you just call me?

BWT: Don't avoid the question! Bad things happen to people who avoid the question!

TH: Fine—how about your best friend calling you Aizen while you're _trying_ to confess your love for her! Wouldn't that be something—hu, Momo?

Momo Hinamori: Oh, Toshiro, calm down! It was a little slip of the tongue!

TH: Slip of the tongue? You imagined me as my mortal enemy just to fulfill your sick little fantasies!

MH: Calm down! You're starting to cause a scene, Little Shiro!

TH: Don't talk down to me! And it's _Captain Hitsugaya!_

BWT: We'll be leaving now.

Next we headed to the local bar to find Shuhei resting his head on the counter. We poked him.

Shuhei Hisagi: What do you want?

BWT: What's the most awkward thing a woman's ever asked you?

SH: "What does the '69' stand for?"

He smirked at us, but we didn't get it and left for more interesting prospects. Next we rolled along to Squad Thirteen where we confronted Captain Jushiro Ukitake.

BWT: Hello!

Jushiro Ukitake: Why, hello there. How can I help you?

BWT: What's the most awkward question you've ever been asked?

JU: I believe you just asked it.

BWT: …No, seriously.

JU: Fine, I suppose it would have to be a question Rukia asked me once…

BWT: So… you're a pedophile too? 'Cause we know of this other guy, and you guys could totally start a Pedophiles Anonymous group! —Or something!

JU: What? No! She asked me where babies come from.

BWT: Doesn't the Shinigami Academy have some sort of Sex Ed. Class for that?

JU: Her brother made her skip it.

BWT: We just don't know how to respond to that.

After leaving the… slightly creepy… Captain Ukitake we headed over to Captain Unohana's place, but only briefly.

BWT: What's the most awkward phrase you've ever heard in your life.

Retsu Unohana: Actually I'd have to say it's a phrase I hear quite often.

BWT: Which is…?

RU: Am I pregnant?

Choosing an utterly priceless moment to round the corner, Kenpachi Zaraki froze in what we assumed was shock.

Kenpachi Zaraki: You're what?

RU: Oh, you have it all wrong Captain Zaraki—.

KZ: Not mine!

Kenny ran down the corridor so fast that his lieutenant, Miss Yachiru Kusajishi, fell off his shoulder. Turning our attention back to Captain Unohana, she smiled and shrugged her shoulders ever so slightly.

RU: Then again… Maybe that's the most awkward phrase I've ever heard.

Leaving behind the Soul Society (for now…) we headed on down to the World of the Living (what ominous music!) First on our stop was Kisuke Urahara's shop where we conveniently found everyone of significance.

BWT: Hey, Hat-and-Clogs, what's the most awkward thing you've ever heard in your long… long… long… long—!

Kisuke Urahara: …

BWT: Long… long… long lifetime!

KU: Well, normally I wouldn't reveal this kind of thing, but for you fine folk I'll tell you that the most awkward phrase I've ever heard in my life was—!

Suddenly the doors to the shop blew open and none other than Yoruichi Shihoin marched in, grabbed Ex-Captain Urahara by his ear, and dragged him into the next room over. We simple couldn't resist listening _very_ carefully through the wall—they aren't that thick, trust us.

Yoruichi Shihoin: Kisuke were about to say what I think you were about to say?

KU: Why, what ever do you mean, sweet Yoruichi?

YS: Don't you play games with me—I told you never to repeat those words to anyone, under any circumstance, even with the threat of death! Were those idiots threatening you with death? I don't think so!

KU: Oh come now, it's all in good sport.

YS: You want good sport? How about I hunt you down after a five-minute head start? _That _would be good sport!

KU: Why, Yoruichi, if I didn't know better I'd say you were coming on to me.

YS: Too bad you know me better.

KU: Oh, I don't know about that, it has been a while since—.

YS: Shush!

KU: Aw, you know I wouldn't say anything.

YS: Yeah, right. Come here you idiot.

KU: I knew it…

At this point we stopped listening in feeling that the former Soul Reapers could—er—use some _alone_ time! We quickly moved to the guest room where Uryu and Chad sat drinking tea. Why they sat there drinking tea as people were making love two rooms over, we do not know!

BWT: Hey, what's the most awkward phrase and or question you've ever heard?

Uryu Ishida: I'd have to say that time when Ichigo sat on the whoopee cushion Kon planted.

Chad: Yeah, that was pretty awkward.

BWT: …No. You guys are awkward. I don't see how you managed to gain any fans at all.

UI: Hey! I'm way cool! I wear stylish clothes and sew and shoot a shiny bow!

BWT: No comment!

C: Well, I guess I'll be going. I need to set up shop.

BWT: Shop?

C: Yeah, outside of Ichigo's house so I can watch out for him.

BWT: …Stalker!

We quickly fled the shop (we are fairly certain there was a gas leak), and headed down to Hueco Mundo. Once we arrived we immediately ran into Uliquiorra and Grimmjow.

BWT: Hey what's the most awkward phrase you guys have ever heard!

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Who the [censor] wants to know?

Uliquiorra Cifer: Wow. So mature, Grimmjow.

GJ: Wow. So depressing, Uliquiorra.

UC: I am not depressing.

GJ: You depress me just by listening to you!

BWT: People, please! Can we get back to the question at hand?

UC: Grimmjow's most awkward phrase came on one of his most memorable dates. How'd it go again? Oh, yes: "What do you _mean_ you're allergic to cats?" Followed by the very classy: "[Censor]!"

GJ: Oh, yeah? What about you, Mr. Super-Emo-Man? Your whole life is one big awkward mess!

UC: I'll be going to my room now.

GJ: Hey! You know what Aizen said—you're not allowed to take any sharp and pointy objects into your room after what happened last time! If he finds out that you did and I know about it the psycho Tosen will lop off my arm again!

UC: …

GJ: I'm not losing this [censor] arm again!

BWT: That ate up more time than expected! On to Aizen!

We once again, despite unpopular demand, found ourselves in Aizen's throne room.

BWT: H~I Aizen!

Sosuke Aizen: Oh. It's you… again.

BWT: Yup, that's what they all say!

SA: I see you've created unrest amongst my ranks once again, so why not just tell me what you want so you can leave?

BWT: What's the most awkward thing you've ever encountered ever?

SA: You said ever twice.

BWT: No you didn't.

SA: …Okay. Well I can summarize all awkwardness that exists in this world with one word: Momo.

BWT: We had better stop reporting the Momo bashing soon, otherwise we'll lose subscriptions!

SA: I was completely serious.

BWT: Oh, we know.

Gin Ichimaru: What's goin' on in here?

BWT: Well, I guess that settles it. There is the most awkward thing in the world.

GI: What's that?

BWT: Your face!

Laughing madly we dashed down the hallway, past Grimmjow banging on Uliquiorra's door, past a rather bored-looking Orihime, around a twitching Tosen, and through the front doors of Aizen's Keep.

Which brings us to the end of this week's special. We here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid hope you enjoyed this trip of awkward moments and quotes. As always, if you have a topic you think we should explore, or a character we should give props to, feel free to mail us at the address below. Until next time!


	6. Off Topic Part One

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Off Topic**

Every now and again the team here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid like to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Yes, sometimes even we _like_ to be serious. Sometimes we _need_ to be serious to get a point across. And so we ask you, seriously, _stop abusing Ichigo and Renji, Rukia. _

This week we take a look at the occasionally violent relationship between Ichigo, Rukia, and Renji. No you sick, sick little fangirls it is _not _a love triangle. We here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid don't swing that way! And just because we love to abuse – uh, play with – Byakuya we decided to pay him a visit to start this thing off with a _bang_.

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Byakuya! It's us! We're back!

Byakuya Kuchiki: Oh dear—! Please someone kill me!

BWT: Aw, you always know how to make us blush Captain Kuchiki!

BK: Just… tell me what you want so we can get this over with for the week.

BWT: Did you raise your adopted sister as an abusive person?

BK: No, Kuchiki know better than to waste their time over such silly matters as abuse.

BWT: So…

BK: …

BWT: Why do you think Renji has all those tattoos?

BK: Leave now.

Taking to his sage-like advice we pranced out of his office to find the red-faced, snake-butt himself: Zabimaru! But first we had to get the zanpakuto away from Renji. Being naturally clever, the solution came instantly.

BWT: Hey, Renji, look! It's that guy who pushed your port-a-potty into a pond!

Renji Abarai: What? I'll kill him!

BWT: Ha ha ha haa…

Quickly taking off with Zabimaru before Renji noticed his absence we found ourselves at Squad Twelve's barracks.

BWT: Yo, Nemu! Can we hide in the lab again?

Nemu: I don't think that's such a good idea.

BWT: You're no fun!

Nemu: Please leave the premises.

BWT: Nya, nya! Or what!

To our utter shock Nemu's hand started to rapidly rotate, turning into some kind of… drill?

Nemu: I strongly suggest you leave. Now.

BWT: Holy [censor]!

We promptly left the premises as suggested, only to end up at Squad Eight's barracks. Here we ran into the lieutenant and captain of the squad, both of which seemed generally surprised by our sudden intrusion.

Nanao Ise: Who are you?

Shunsui Kyoraku: Yeah, haven't I seen you before?

BWT: We're from the weekly tabloid published every—!

NI: Leave these barracks at once!

SK: Now, now, Little Nanao. Let's give them a chance; I think that's all they—hey is that Lieutenant Abarai's zanpakuto?

BWT: …maybe.

SK: Wow. They were right, you guys are pretty messed up—want a drink while you're staying?

BWT: Sure!

NI: Captain! What are you thinking? These people would be considered ryoka if not for the fact that they're total idiots!

SK: Calm down Nanao. We're just going to get a few drinks at the local bar—.

BWT: We're buying!

SK: A few dozen drinks at the local bar—.

NI: Fine! I have no part in this though!

So we marched happily to the nearest bar (it's a bit strange, but the bars seem to be concentrated near Squad Three, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten) and order a round, then another round. And another round. And another round. And—it gets a bit fuzzy after that. We think it went something like this:

BWT: _Hic_, this is really good!

SK: I know, _hic,_ right?

BWT: Hey how do we, _hic, _summon Zab—Sob—Soba—Zen—Ma—ru—uh… Renji's s-word!

SK: Why'da wanna do that?

BWT: So we, _hic,_ can ask him if R'kia beats Renjuice!

SK: Isn't that, _hic, _what the tattoos are for? _Hic_, hiding the bruises? Why else would he have so many? _Hic. _

BWT: Th'as what we thought!

NI: Captain! What happened?

SK: Oh, if it isn't my Nanao, come to check on me!

NI: Don't touch me you pervert!

_Thwack. _

BWT: Oh, nice going—you killed him,_ hic_!

NI: You're lucky I don't kill you! I'm just hoping the alcohol poisoning will finish you off while I take care of Shunsui.

BWT: …

NI: Why are you giving me that weird look?

BWT: You totally just called your captain by his first name. _Hic! _

NI: I did no such thing! Good day!

With Nanao stomping off into the distance (heading towards the nearest medical unit) we couldn't help but feel we'd forgotten something. Something important. Something related to all of the cameramen passed out on the floor, the scribbled notes in our hands, and the zanpakuto on the counter.

We just couldn't figure out what.

*

*

*

**A/N: **_Cliffhanger? Hu? Don't worry, the rest is coming tomorrow morning._


	7. Off Topic Part Two

**A/N: **_Part two, yo._

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Off Topic**

The next day we awoke to find ourselves outside of a bar with a headache that felt like some obnoxious child was pelting us continually with rocks… large, painful rocks. Finding our cameramen by our sides, notebook in hand, and the realization that we lost a certain zanpakuto we decided there was only one right thing to do!

Flee to the world of the living and hope Renji finds his sword before he finds us!

Not to mention we still had an issue to publish!

We arrived at Ichigo's house at approximately 3:05 am and, not wanting to disturb the residence, decided it would be best to scale the side of his house and crawl in through his window. We forgot one important detail though: We failed gym class in high school.

Flailing our arms and screaming like a little girl we fell two stories to the ground, hitting it with a loud _crash!_

BWT: Darn. That was close; better try again!

The young Kurosaki himself launched himself from the house and ran over to us with nostrils flared.

Ichigo Kurosaki: If you're from the Soul Society you can just get lost now! I'm not dealing with another bunkmate!

BWT: _Wheet~woo!_ Too much information Strawberry Boy!

IK: Why you—!

Rukia Kuchiki: Ichigo, what the [censor]! We're in the middle of—!

The young Kuchiki who decided to join us stopped mid-sentence to glare at us. We smiled and waved!

BWT: Hello, remember us?

RK: You.

BWT: So that's a yes, right?

RK: What are you doing here?

BWT: What else? We're reporting!

IK: At three in the morning? Who the [censor] does their journalism at three in the [censor] morning?

BWT: From what we hear, you weren't sleeping so it doesn't really matter.

IK: …

BWT: Wow, your face matches your head!

RK: Okay, forget Ichigo for a minute, what exactly are you reporting on?

BWT: Glad you asked, other wise this pointless conversation and hints at a pairing would've gone on for another ten lines!

RK: …The point is…?

BWT: Oh right—we're here reporting spouse/lover abuse!

RK: …Isshin didn't kill his wife, moron.

BWT: We aren't talking about Isshin (he's great ain't he?)

IK: If not him then who—?

Both looked away from us, at each other and fireworks went off. Angry, fiery, deadly fireworks.

RK: You told them?

IK: Of course not!

RK: Then who did?

IK: All I know is that it wasn't me, so get off my case!

RK: Oh, you know what! I have half a mind to—!

BWT: Come on, three more words and we've got proof…

RK: Get that annoying recorder out of my face!

Who would come on scene at this opportune moment but Renji himself! Oh, wait. Renji? Oh sh—(oot)!

Renji Abarai: What's everyone doing in Kurosaki's front yard at this time of night?

IK: What are you doing here?

RA: I don't think I like that tone of voice Sub!

IK: What did you just call me?

RA: You heard me, idiot!"

RK: Knock it off you two!

IK and RA: Yes, Ma'am.

BWT: Wow guys, being her play toy is one thing, but worshipping her is another…

IK and RA: What?

IK: Stop copying me!

RA: Whatever! What are you talking about whoever the [censor] you are?

BWT: Well, Rukia's been using both of you for, like, six installments now, probably more.

IK: I thought there was only six installments?

Everyone stopped to stare at Ichigo for a moment, even we were a bit confused.

BWT: You read…?

IK: Yeah.

Awkward.

RK: Okay, this is stupid! I'll confess if it'll get everyone off of my back!

Everyone turned to Rukia, waiting for the answer (that we knew was coming eventually).

RK: The truth is, I've been… in a relationship with both of these men.

BWT: Although the word may be way outdated and overused sometimes we just need to say it: _O snap!_

RA: B-but Rukia! I don't understand!

IK: Really, what the [censor] Rukia?

RK: What can I say; I have a thing for redheads.

Rukia shrugged off the confession while Renji and Ichigo stood, silent and stunned. We noticed Renji found his zanpakuto—we'd have to ask about that later. Suddenly, randomly, and totally unpredictably Orihime leapt onto the scene, chest puffed out, fist in the air, and face smug.

Orihime Inoue: Ha! I knew tonight was the night!

BWT: Who are you?

OI: Orihime Inoue, one of the few people yet to be mentioned in your tabloid!

BWT: …Of course you are.

IK: Inoue? What are you doing here?

BWT: Gee, Ichigo, you sound nervous.

OI: Don't worry Ichigo, I know all about you and Rukia.

IK: W-what?

OI: Yes, and she knows… about us.

IK: What the [censor] is going on here?

BWT: Beats us; we just write what we hear.

RK: Allow me to explain.

RA: Rukia?

BWT: Renji! You're still here?

RA: …

RK: As I was saying… You see, Ichigo, Orihime and I are good friends as you know, but what you didn't know until tonight was _how_ we became such good friends.

BWT: It's true! You and Orihime barely talked for the longest time, then all of a sudden—bam! You're joining Ichigo to save her.

IK: Hey! Wait a minute! Orihime! You already appeared in the tabloid—you were briefly mentioned in issue five, better known as 'Awkward Special'!

OI: Please, Ichigo, everyone knows specials don't really count. It's the reason there's an update every Sunday regardless of the amount of specials released through the week.

BWT: You guys are really killing the fourth wall…

RK: Can I please talk for five [censor] seconds before getting interrupted? Now as I was saying—!

RA: Hey Rukia!

RK: What?

RA: Oh, I was just interrupting you 'cause it'd been five seconds.

RK: …

IK: Dude, she's going to kill you.

RK: As I was saying… Shortly after Ichigo and I started, uh, dating, for lack of better word—

BWT: —that's T rated! —

RK: —I found out that Orihime was also in a relationship with Ichigo. Being the mature people that we are, we talked things over—

OI: —I got a black eye! —

RK: And, long story short, we were all find with it.

BWT: That's like some kind of double love triangle with no prudence… or morals!

RK: Precisely.

IK: Wait, that doesn't explain why you and Orihime are such good friends.

RK: Ah, Ichigo, foolish, dense Ichigo. Everyone knows that girls create stronger bonds through sex than boys do. That is if we get past the "I'm-going-to-kill-you-[censor]" stage.

OI: It's true!

IK: …

RA: …

BWT: Best issue ever.

IK: So let me get this straight: Renji was banging Rukia who was getting it on with me who was doing it with Orihime who laughed about it with Rukia behind our backs?

BWT: I just got even more confused!

RA: Wait! We can't be in a love triangle like this! The fans will never accept it!

BWT: Sure you can!

After this last statement we headed off, back to the Seireitei! Without much more to say, we leave you with this wise advice: When pairing wars have you down, create confusing love triangles where no one cares who's sleeping with who when!


	8. Zangetsu Special

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Zanpakutos Can't Walk, But They Can Cuss! **

This… is… Zangetsu, zanpakuto private eye extraordinaire. I'm taking over this special edition of… BLEACH Weekly Tabloid… to bring you in-depth coverage concerning the mystery surrounding Zabimaru's disappearance. First I take you back… to the time… of the disappearance…

Zabimaru: This place smells like [censor]! Where the [censor] am I? And where's that [censor] moron, Renji?

Shunsui Kyoraku: Hey waz that?

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Oh, this? Yeah, it's Renji's sword-thing-y!

SK: Why do you have his Zanpakuto?

BWT: I don't know… Dude! Let's see how far I can throw it!

It seems at this point the "BLEACH Weekly Tabloid" reporter threw the zanpakuto at the bar mirror, shattering it, and causing the bar owner to grow angry.

Bar Owner: What the [censor]!

_Zabimaru: Seriously! What! The! [Censor]! _

BWT: Oops! Heheh!

SK: Haw-haw!

BO: If you people weren't racking up such a tab right now…

At this point in time it would seem Zabimaru lay, injured and alone, on the cold, harsh stone floor of the pub. Until, that is, a particular lieutenant happened by the scene after everyone else had been kicked out.

Chojiro Sasakibe: My, my what have we here?

_Zabimaru: Thank goodness a total idiot didn't just walk in and pick me up!_

Why the first squad's lieutenant happened to be at this bar remains unknown. He quickly picked Zabimaru up and took him back to the Squad One barracks. Once there another particular lieutenant that's had no more than three lines in the anime thus far confronted him.

Marechiyo Omaeda: Hey, Lieutenant Sasakibe, what're you doing out this early in the morning?

CS: Oh I found some idiots zanpakuto lying around in a bar.

_Zabimaru: That's Renji for you._

MO: Why were you in a bar, sir?

CS: That is none of your concern! Leave me at once!

_Zabimaru: Sensitive much?_

MO: Wait! What are you going to do with that?

CS: I don't know; return it to the Head Captain I suppose.

_Zabimaru: Yes, the Head Captain knows what he's doing! …Sort of. _

MO: I always knew you were a stick in the mud.

CS: Such insolence!

MO: Are you saying it wouldn't be fun to gamble with a dude's zanpakuto?

_Zabimaru: Why do I have the feeling that a battle of idiotic proportions is about to occur?_

CS: Gamble with a Soul Reaper's Zanpakuto? —

MO: —Why do you always talk like you capitalize those words? —

CS: I think not!

MO: Think not what?

CS: What?

MO: No, what did you say?

CS: What what did I say?

MO: What what did you what say what?

CS: Just shut up and take the stupid thing! Honestly it's only six in the morning and I've already got a headache!

_Zabimaru: Wait—what?_

MO: Score! Party! Party! Party!

With this the rather… hefty… lieutenant dashed—or hobbled rather—towards Squad Three's housing. Not before using Zabimaru to… oh, that's just gross!

_Zabimaru: [Censor]! _

MO: _Ohhh_ yeah. That hits the spot! _Ohhhhhhhh_ baby!

I felt sorry for Zabimaru—who knows what could be up that man's nose. Alas I could not intervene.

At last he arrived at Squad Three with Zabimaru in tow. Walking straight for the lieutenant's room, he wasted no time. He banged on the door in a loud obnoxious manner shouting, "Open up Mr. Super Depressed!" After only a single outburst on Omaeda's part, the door swung open to reveal the Squad Three lieutenant and temporary captain: Izuru Kira.

MO: Holy [censor]! What did you do to your hair?

Izuru Kira: I dyed it. What's your issue?

MO: [Censor].

IK: If that's all you had to say could you let me get back to… my project?

MO: Dude, what's with the candle light in there? Hot date?

IK: N-none of your business!

MO: Oh, come on! Just let me see what you're up to in here!

IK: I don't think that's a good idea—!

MO: I'm surprised you even have time for any side projects, what with being in charge of your division now. I hardly have a moment to rest or eat, and I'm only the lieutenant!

IK: Please! Don't go in Lieutenant Omaeda!

MO: How bad can it—?

IK: …

_Zabimaru: Holy [censor]!_

MO: Mother of [censor].

IK: Lieutenant Omaeda, it's not what it looks like!

MO: [Censor] Kira! [Censor] man! Holy [censor]! Are you [censor] me?

IK: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

MO: Dude, what the [censor] is wrong with you?

Indeed, what the [censor] was wrong with Izuru? For there, within the confines of his newly adopted office space, stood a half-finished shrine. A shrine dedicated to Gin Ichimaru. The little creeper had pictures of his former captain everywhere on the wall, along with a huge portrait in the middle, surrounded by candles and a circle of—wait, is that blood?

His creeping, stalker-like tendencies remind us all of the former captain himself.

IK: This isn't what it looks like!

MO: Then what the [censor] is it?

IK: I-I I'm not a traitor if that's what you're thinking!

MO: Never said you were…

IK: I just miss him so much!

MO: Wow and I thought only Momo could sound that… devoted…

IK: Although, now that you know maybe you can help me!

MO: I don't like that eager look in your eyes…

IK: I _need_ a sacrifice!

MO: Whoa. You're not right in the head are you?

IK: Help me, Lieutenant Omaeda! We can worship and pray for the safe return of Captain Ichimaru together! We can give ourselves to him!

MO: Not only do you sound like a total stalker you also sound a bit…

IK: Please! Join me! Join me!

MO: You know what? Take this zanpakuto and use _it _as a sacrifice! I'm out! Later Kira—hope you start feeling, uh, not unwell in the head soon!

_Zabimaru: No! I changed my mind! I'll poke your brains for you! Don't leave me here!_

Lieutenant Omaeda rushed off, faster than I imagined possible for a man his size, leaving behind Zabimaru once more.

IK: Well if it isn't Zabimaru. I should probably return you to your rightful owner.

_Zabimaru: Yes! Thank you! Finally someone with a brain!_

IK: Then again, you'd make a really nice sacrifice, and I can always return you to Renji later!

_Zabimaru: Oh [censor] no. _

After several hours the noonday sun reached high into the sky, and Izuru walked forth from his barracks with sake on the brain. Zabimaru in hand, he went on over to the nearest bar to do what he did (second) best: getting smashed.

IK: Ah, I wonder how much I can drink before forgetting _all_ about my problems.

_Zabimaru: He sounds _way_ too happy. After doing all of those… those unmentionable things! How can he be so normal? _

Who would walk in but Shuhei himself, who hasn't received nearly enough air-time according to the most recent poll.

Shuhei Hisagi: Kira! You sure are getting good at this, you got in here before Rangiku even—and she usually slips away from her barracks at the crack of dawn!

IK: Shouldn't she be here by now if she left that early?

SH: Well, she always needs to create a diversion to throw her captain off.

IK: Oh.

Meanwhile, far away in the Soul Society…

Toshiro Hitsugaya: I know she's around here somewhere! Where did that lazy bum run off to this time?

Back at the bar…

Rangiku Matsumoto: Hey guys!

SH: Hey Matsumoto—what took you so long?

RM: Well, you know how the captain is. Child genius and all—I had to use a new trick.

SH: Where'd you lead him to this time?

RM: A place where no one will ever find his rotting corpse…

_Zabimaru: That is one [censor] up [censor]._

SH: Okay, whatever, so who's buying?

IK: I am today.

SH: Awesome! Let's get—hey what's that?

IK: What's what?

_Zabimaru: Not this again._

IK: Oh, it's Renji's zanpakuto.

RM: Why would you have Renji's sword?

IK: Lieutenant Omaeda gave it to me earlier.

RM: What was he doing with it?

IK: He—actually, I don't know. I never asked.

RM: Okay then.

Just when it seemed as if Zabimaru was doomed to repeat the last twenty-four hours over again, who would stumble in but the red pineapple himself?

Renji Abarai: Oh, I'm so [censor] dead! Kuchiki's gonna kill me. [Censor] kill me!

IK: What are you whining about Renji?

RM: Which Kuchiki?

SH: Why are you in a gigai?

RA: I'm not whining! I'm mourning the loss of my zanpakuto! Byakuya Kuchiki, my captain! And because it's like comfort food!

SH: Since when are gigais comfort food?

RA: Since now!

Renji quickly proves his point by taking a giant chomp out of himself.

RA: Ow! [Censor]! That hurt!

SH: That's what I thought…

RM: Wait. Doesn't Kira have your zanpakuto Renji?

RA: Who has my what?

_Zabimaru: Over here you idiot! In your depressing friends hand! [Censor] moron!_

RA: Zabimaru!

IK: Oh yeah! Renji I found your zanpakuto!

RM: …

SH: …

RA: … Shut the [censor] up. And give me my zanpakuto!

_Zabimaru: About [censor] time._

RA: I'm so sorry Zabimaru! I'll never lose you again!

_Zabimaru: Keep telling yourself that. _

RA: Well, how about a trip to the world of the living?

Zabimaru: Why the [censor] do you want to go there?

RA: I—! I don't know actually.

_Zabimaru: What the [censor] you idiot?_

IK: Is it just me or has Renji been having a conversation with himself?

SH: Idiot, he's talking to his zanpakuto, obviously!

RM: With Renji you can never be sure…

So ended Zabimaru's adventure through the multiple hands of people that no one really pays any attention to, or enjoys mocking to such an extent that it makes young children cry. Luckily, Zabimaru made it through every one of those people—even the gold digger Marechiyo Omaeda.

Zabimaru: Wait a minute! You [censor] saw this guy doing that to me and didn't help? I'll [censor] kill you!

Zangetsu: Come now. Don't be. So. Judgmental.

Zab: Oh! You're one to [censor] talk! Why don't you try to actually say something at a normal pace for once? Oh, look at me—I'm [censor] Zangetsu. Look at me [censor] around! I can't talk at a normal rate. Oh [censor] no! I have to talk in broken English like some [censor]!

Zan: That was uncalled for.

Zab: Just wait till I see you on the 'field again! You're gonna be [censor] sorry you ever did this to me! Oh [censor] it's the popo! I mean… Renji and Ichigo! Act natural!

Zan: …You are such an idiot.

Ichigo Kurosaki: Oh there's Zangetsu!

Renji Abarai: How did you manage to lose your zanpakuto?

IK: You're one to talk—isn't that Zabimaru right there?

RA: What the [censor]?

IK: You know Renji, holding my zanpakuto, standing here, makes me realize something.

RA: What's that Ichigo?

IK: I really want to kick your [censor].

RA: Oddly enough, I agree with you. Let's have a nice long battle in the Seireitei and see how many buildings we can knock down before someone calls the cops.

IK: You guys have cops up there?

RA: No. No we do not.

IK: [Censor] sweet.

And so, hand in hand, Ichigo and Renji returned to the Soul Society where they fought until one of them died. The end.

*

*

*

*

*

BWT: Cut, wait, hold it, stop the press, no go, and slam on the brakes! What is this?

Zangetsu: This is the special edition of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid you asked me to write.

BWT: No that's what we asked you to write—what you actually wrote makes a small part of us die on the inside!

Zan: Don't be so… _sniff…_ judgmental.

BWT: Aw, Zangetsu, are you crying?

Zan: No! I've just got something in my eye! [Censor]!

BWT: Come here, Zangetsu, it's okay, just let it _all_ out.

Zan: _Sniff,_ thanks man, I needed that. Ichigo never connects with me on an emotional level… and sometimes that really hurts, know what I'm saying?

BWT: We hear you, Zangetsu. We hear you loud and clear. Tissue?

Zan: Thanks. _Thbbppt! _Here you go.

BWT: …That's all right, you can keep it.

And so ends another issue of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! Be sure to check in later this week for the publishing of the first ever 'What If' special! Until then, we remind you to stop feeding the menos living souls—you're making the Soul Reapers _very, very_ angry!

**A/N: **_Can anyone guess my inspiration for the (really, really) long title? Look for the second special Thursday or Friday!_


	9. What If Special

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Narcolepsy **

Welcome to another amazing special—this one filled with twice as much special-ness as the last! No, not really! This week BLEACH Weekly Tabloid takes you inside the Seireitei for a question of what if!

More specifically—what would happen if Toshiro Hitsugaya, Momo Hinamori, and other random BLEACH characters suddenly had incurable narcolepsy! For those who don't know what narcolepsy is—look it up! *

Naturally we must put a warning on this chapter. If the mocking of people with incurable conditions, raging out of character-ness, and an overall good time bothers you, then please, go find another tabloid. We don't want you here. So just get out of here already!

Okay, now down to business. We started our first issue of what-if-ness by visiting Squad Five's designated area.

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Oh Hinamori, are you in there?

Momo Hinamori: Ah! The voices! They're back!

BWT: This is already fun!

MH: Oh, it's just you.

BWT: Two can play at that game! Say, what would you do if you unexplainably and suddenly had narcolepsy?

MH: Nar-a-what?

BWT: Hey look! It's Aizen, come to confess his love!

MH: Aizen? Where—_Crash!_

After a few seconds Lieutenant Hinamori stood up, looking rather confused.

BWT: So how do you like being narcoleptic?

MH: What did you do to me?

BWT: Don't get too excited—stimulation, neurons firing, chemicals reacting, all cause your chances to paralyze to greatly increase!

MH: I'll react however—_Crash!_

BWT: This will only get better.

MH: Ow, my head. I'm going to—_Crash!_

BWT: To Squad Ten!

We returned to one of our favorite respites only to be turned away at the door by none other than Captain Hitsugaya.

Toshiro Hitsugaya: What do you think _you're _doing here?

BWT: That's what your mom said.

TH: How dare you insult my long dead mother!

MH: No! Shiro! Don't let him get to you!

TH: Momo? Did you forget to take your medicine again? I swear you're all stressing me to high—_Crash! _

BWT: Muhahah!

TH: What the [censor] just happened—_Crash!_

MH: Shiro listen—_Crash!_

BWT: Dance, puppets, dance!

TH: I have half a mind to—_Crash!_

MH: Oh no! Toshiro—_Crash! _

BWT: This is awesome!

Toshiro managed to stand long enough to get a warning out to his lieutenant after several tries, though.

TH: Matsumoto!

Rangiku Matsumoto: What is it Captain? And what's everyone doing in your office?

TH: No time to explain—!

RM: Oh, are you throwing a party?

TH: No you—_Crash!_

RM: Has he been drinking?

MH: _Sigh—Crash!_

TH: Matsumoto listen! I need you to—!

RM: Pick up milk? I already did!

TH: No—_Crash!_

RM: Okay, sir, it's not that funny. Cut it out.

TH: You idiot—_Crash!_

RM: Maybe I should just let him calmly explain—whoa that's the best idea I think I've ever had!

TH: Tell everyone! The madmen have returned with a disease to kill us all! And it's spreading!

RM: Spreading? I don't want to—_Crash!_

BWT: Haha, gottcha!

Rangiku quickly sounded the alarm, while suppressing her own alarm. More fun for us as more Soul Reapers rushed in to 'save' Squad Ten from utter moronic destruction!

Random Soul Reaper #1: There he is! Kill him!

BWT: Time to go!

The chase was on! We raced through the Seireitei, laughing madly all the while. And spreading the joy of narcolepsy while we were at it.

BWT: Hey Renji!

Renji Abarai: What?

BWT: Tell your mom I had fun last night!

RA: _Crash!_

BWT: Oh, and Ikkaku?

Ikkaku Madarame: I call the head!

BWT: You're so bald that when the sun looks at you it screams, "I've blinded myself!"

IM: _Crash!_

BWT: Hey Rukia, Ichigo, I have a question!

Ichigo: Just hold still so I can kill you!

BWT: So I guess that means you _don't_ want me to tell Rukia about you and Byakuya?

Ichigo: _Crash!_

Rukia: _Crash!_

BWT: Isn't narcolepsy fun?

Half of the Soul Reapers: _Crash!_

BWT: Well, let's just wrap this up—we're bored! This is the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid crew showing you what would happen if the Soul Reapers suddenly contracted narcolepsy! Look for the regular edition out this Sunday, and as always if you have a character or topic you'd like us to explore, feel free to contact us. Until then, this is BWT saying, "Hey! Look it's Aizen!"

All Soul Reapers: _Crash!_

**A/N**: _*If you're really too lazy to look it up: Narcolepsy is a condition where people "fall asleep" when stimulated. These people are not actually asleep—they see and remember everything that happens in most cases. What actually occurs is a kind of paralyzed state within the narcoleptic similar to the state of REM._


	10. Old Folk

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Old Folk**

Ah old people, is there anything they _can't _do? We don't really know, but this week we intend to find out! We head to the World of the Living to talk to some of the oldest people there! Namely: Isshin Kurosaki (!), Kisuke Urahara (!), and Yoruichi Shihoin (!)!

To start things off we headed to the greatest shopkeeper with the lowest income known to mankind!

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Yoohoo! Is anyone in here?

Kisuke Urahara: Say, don't I know you?

BWT: Don't ask us questions! They frighten us…

KU: Okay?

BWT: So care to share your deepest, darkest secret with all of BLEACH-kind?

KU: Not particularly.

BWT: Will you do it anyways?

KU: …Maybe…

BWT: …Oh really?

KU: …Yeah really.

BWT: …O really?

KU: … Yeah really.

BWT: … Oh really?

KU: … Yeah really.

Kaname Tosen: … Justice.

KU: Whoa, wait. What in the world was that?

BWT: We don't know and we don't really care!

KU: Agreed! So, wanna buy something?

BWT: Do you accept cookies as payment?

KU: I used to until I discovered that cookies _aren't _international currency.

BWT: Cookies _should_ be international currency though.

KU: Agreed!

BWT: Great! On to the next topic!

KU: Wait I thought you were here to buy something?

BWT: Nope!

KU: …Oh really?

And so our conversation with Urahara continued until we recalled the fact that we had other people to talk to! Next we headed to the Kurosaki household! Banging loudly on the door received the attention of Karin Kurosaki!

Karin Kurosaki: Uhm, do you need something?

BWT: We need to speak with your daddy, little lady, is he home?

KK: No.

BWT: Tsk, tsk! You should never tell a stranger that your mommy and daddy aren't home! (This message brought to you by the Nation Shinigami Safety Association.)

KK: Do you want me to kick your [censor] or will you just leave now?

Luckily for us we didn't need to decide because at that exact moment who would dash to the front door but the man of the hour himself?

Isshin Kurosaki: Hey! Who are you?

BWT: We're from B—!

IK: No way!

BWT: Yeah way!

IK: That's amazing!

BWT: We know!

IK: So why are you here!

BWT: Isn't that a question?

IK: Yes, why do you ask!

BWT: Because you're still using exclamation marks!

IK: Exclamations are fun!

BWT: We agree!

IK: We! But there's only one of you!

BWT: We know!

IK: I want to talk like that too!

BWT: You mean _we_ want to talk like that too!

IK: No! You already talk like that!

BWT: No, we meant you!

IK: What about me!

BWT: I don't know!

IK: What are we talking about!

BWT: Not a clue!

IK: Do you like cheese!

BWT: We love cheese!

IK: We love cheese too!

BWT and IK: We _all_ love cheese!

Upon reaching this conclusion we took part in a long and joyous happy dance. Until _someone_ had to ruin it.

Ichigo Kurosaki: What the [censor] are you guys doing?

BWT: Ichigo! Come, join us!

IsK: Yes, Son! Join us!

IcK: Freaks…

Deciding it was high time to actually find some content for this issue, we went off to search for Yoruichi.

BWT: Nunununununu Cat Lady!

Yoruichi Shihoin: What do you want?

BWT: Awww! Kitty!

As we scooped up the kitty and swung it around in a rapid-fire motion we couldn't help but feel like we shouldn't be tossing this cat around. Perhaps it was the claws digging into our tender flesh.

BWT: Bad kitty! Go to your room.

Shocking us the cat actually listened and walked off. After a few moments Yoruichi appeared! But kitty was no where to be found.

YS: And here I thought Ichigo was an idiot…

BWT: Tell us a story, Granny!

YS: …I am _not _your granny.

BWT: Well, you're old enough for the part.

KU: _Ohhhhhhh _burn!

YS: Shut up Kisuke!

BWT: So… how long have you two known each other?

KU: Oh, ages! We even knew each other in the academy!

BWT: Does that place have a name? Aside from 'The Academy' we mean.

Urahara and Yoruichi exchanged puzzled glances briefly before answering.

YS: Actually, I don't think it does.

KU: Maybe 'Soul Reaper Academy'?

BWT: Still not very original though, don'cha think?

KU and YS: Agreed.

BWT: … So what's the story behind Isshin?

KU: That's classified info, sorry.

YS: … He used to be a captain in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads (that's a mouthful).

KU: Yoruichi what are you doing?

YS: Sorry, it's just karma Kisuke.

KU: You don't dish out your own karma – that's not how it works!

YS: It works this way now.

KU: _Sniffle. _Isshin is going to kill me.

BWT: Why's that?

KU: Doesn't his boy read your magazine?

BWT: Uh-oh, you're right…

YS: … Do you think the world will go out in a ball of fire or just freeze over?

KU: Fire once Isshin finds out...

BWT: Ice, ice baby!

YS: Why are you so worried about him anyways, Kisuke? It's not like he could beat you one-on-one, right?

KU: …

BWT: … !

YS: …Kisuke?

KU: The truth is, I'm not really sure. We've never really fought before.

BWT: I smell a fight brewing!

YS: I agree with the stupid one—we should hold a competition!

KU: Competition, eh?

YS: Yes! One in which we will judge matches, declaring the winner to be the world's strongest fighter!

KU: Imagine the publicity!

YS: Imagine the money we could make!

KU: This is why I love you!

YS: What?

KU: Nothing!

BWT: Candy!

IsK: Urahara! You told him!

KU: Told who what?

IK: My son that I was a Soul Reaper!

KU: Oh right! Sorry, that was so five minutes ago I'd forgotten.

YS: Come on Isshin, was it really that big of a deal?

IK: Well… I guess not.

YS: Great! So let's just forget all about this mess and construct a massive tournament in a style barely avoiding copyright from 'giant-reptile sphere'!

BWT: Don't you mean—?

YS: Do you want to get sued?

BWT: No, ma'am! We're sorry!

YS: Good, now come on guys! Let's go set up a 'Strongest Under the Heavens Tournament'!

BWT: Isn't that copyright?

YS: [Censor]

KU: …

IK: …

Thus ended another confusing chapter of this confusing magazine. Stay tuned for the specials throughout the week, including but not limited to:

Hallow-een!

Copyright Infringement!

And

Yachiru Attacks!

From all of us to you, this is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid wishing those voices in your head the best!


	11. Copyright Infringement

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Copyright Infringement**

Greetings from the newest tournament in the World of the Living! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid, bringing you a special report from opening day at the ring. Contestants from all over will come to test their strength—if we're lucky maybe a few will die!

Ichigo Kurosaki: You can't hope for people to die! It's wrong!

BWT: And this is our lovely assistant for the day: Ichigo Kurosaki!

IK: I am _not_ your assistant!

BWT: Due to many, many, many, many—!

IK: Get on with it!

BWT: Many complaints, Ichigo will not be allowed to participate.

IK: Cowards… afraid I'll beat them. Humph.

BWT: Well you _should _be able to beat them seeing as you're the main character. And what fun would it be if we already know who the winner is before the contest even starts?

IK: Whatever.

With that reassurance, we made our way to the preliminaries!

BWT: Hi everybody!

Everybody: Hi Doctor Nick!

BWT: … Whatever!

Yoruichi Shihoin: Who invited you?

BWT: Someone has to broadcast your event—how else will your tournament grow into the greatest show of strength on earth between living and dead? Wow, we almost ran out of breath trying to say that! You should shorten the name!

YS: We already did—didn't you get the memo?

BWT: No.

YS: Oh.

Kisuke Urahara: Yes! The new name is Copyright Infringement!

IK: That's a stupid name. How'd you come up with that one Hat-n-Clogs?

KU: Well, all the really cool names were already taken!

BWT: Good enough for us! So what kind of competitors do we have?

KU: I'm glad you asked! Tell them what they've won, Yoruichi!

YS: An [censor] kicking if they don't beat it.

BWT: We're excited! Now time to die our hair in honor of our favorite participant!

IK: Wait! You don't even know who's competing!

Five minutes later we returned with blue hair, a green face, and cheap white cardboard taped to our face.

IK: What the [censor] is that supposed to be?

BWT: We're cheering on Grimmjow!

IK: …

BWT: Go Grimmy!

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Shut the [censor] up!

BWT: That's our boy!

IK: Jeez.

BWT: Now's not the time for cheese, dear Watson! Now we must go to the snack stand and buy overpriced pieces of butt-meat!

IK: Wha—?

Too late he was as we merrily skipped off to the snack stand. Here we met up with Aizen, who for whatever convenient reason, didn't want to participate.

Sosuke Aizen: What would you like?

BWT: Uhmmm! How about: a hotdog; nacho—with cheese; pretzel—with cheese; another hotdog—with cheese; a watermelon; large coke; large diet coke; anything of the candy variety including but not limited to chocolate, sour candies, and suckers; cotton candy—mostly blue please; ice cream—preferably vanilla with hot fudge; and a snickers bar! That should be enough till halftime!

SA: I lost track after 'cheese'.

BWT: Just get us two of everything with lots of cheese!

SA: How much cheese?

BWT: Lots!

SA: Tons?

BWT: More than that!

SA: Okay then. That'll be ready for pick up in a few moments. Tosen! Ichimaru! We've got a whopper of an order and it's not going to fill itself!

Grumbling was heard as we casually walked off, searching for a souvenir stand.

BWT: Oh! Look! T-shirts and hats and little useless toys and stuffed versions of your favorite fighters and—!

IK: This is gonna take a while isn't it?

BWT: —and collectable cards and more t-shirts—!

After our shopping spree was complete we began listening in on random people's conversations as we waited for the preliminaries to finish (which we all know are unexciting and horribly boring!) First we came across some dudes with totally unrealistic hair and bulging muscles.

??? : Why did we come to this stupid contest anyways, Carrot? All of these cowards are using _swords_ for crying out loud!

Carrot: Well, we use ki and that's kind of cheating to them. Besides, this place is packed with powerful people—even if most of them use weapons to fight! C'mon tell me this ain't fun Vegetable!

Vegetable: Hmph!

Carrot: Always such a party pooper…

Next we came across a trio consisting of a blonde-haired idiot, pink-haired ditz, and black-haired depressed fellow (to sub in for a more appropriate word that could also be associated with Uliquiorra!)

Blonde-y: Believe it!

Pink-y: I believe in Sadsuke!

Sadsuke: I'm depressed. I want to kill my only family. I hate you all. I wish you'd all just die. I should just crawl into a hole and die. The world is depressing.

Blonde: It's not the only depressing thing here—believe it!

Moving past them we shifted through the crowd for a livelier group of folk. Just as we passed the concession stand for the twentieth time we saw them. Well, actually one of them tripped and head-butted us, then her group came running over.

BrownEyes: Princess! Ah! Are you hurt? Did he hurt you? Should I kill him? Princess? Princess!

BlueEyes: Ah Solong, don't worry so much.

RedEyes: Easy for you to say, Magician, you're always relaxed!

BlueEyes: Now, now Ku-puu, let's not start a scene. We just got to this world after all!

GreenEyes: Ah, uhm, Solong?

BrownEyes (whose voice went rather dreamy): Yes… Princess?

GreenEyes: Could you put me down now? It's a little embarrassing…

BrownEyes: Eh! Sorry, Princess!

BlueEyes: Ah, young love!

RedEyes: Tch.

Feeling rather weird-ed out by this experience we went off in search for another interesting group of people. Walking towards the stands we noticed what a diverse crowd filled the seats. We didn't think a single one stuck out until we saw a dude with a freaking huge red suit on. Talk about retro eyesores…

RedSuit: I'm hungry! Krackome don't you have any more money?

Krackome: You know Intusasha, you complain an awful lot. You're lucky I even brought you here in the first place!

Intusasha: Tch! Fine. But how come I couldn't participate?

Krackome: I already told you—you'd get carried away and wind up hurting someone! Then we'd _have _to go back just to hide from the cops.

Intusasha: Krackome, you're being overly emotional again.

Krackome: Shut up, Stupid! Stand!

For whatever reason the fellow in the red suit suddenly stood straight up and didn't move a muscle for several long moments. Stranger things we have seen! Moving on we came across yet another red-coat wearing freak—patron!

Blonde: Wow, this place is amazing! Really an architectural triumph!

Other Blonde: You're right, Windy, this place is pretty amazing.

Windy: Oh, Abraham, this is wonderful! One of the best dates ever! Well, except for the fact that you _insisted_ on bringing your little brother along. Not that there's anything wrong with you, Alexander!

Alexander: Brother never could give me any privacy…

Abraham: Bah! Stop your whining! You're lucky I brought you at all!

Windy: Abe!

Abe: What?

Windy: Will you buy me something?

Abe: Why bother? I can just make you something when we get home, just as good.

Windy: But it means more if you buy it! Well, what about you Al?

Al: Well, I'm almost broke but… Sure, why not!

Windy: Yay!

Having our fill of strangeness for the a while, we made our way to the main fighting grounds where the final round—the only one that really counted—was about to take place!

Announcer: In this final match we have Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez (how do you get 'Jaggerjack' out of that?) and Toshiro Hitsugaya!

Random Person One: Fan favorite cheaters!

Random Person Two: Boo! We want the _real_ most powerful people!

Random Person Three: Stop satisfying the fangirls!

Yoruichi Shihoin: Hmm, this doesn't sound good. The fan favorite system has… failed us.

Kisuke Urahara: You're right. So what should we do?

YS: We give up the dream for a while longer… but sell all of the merchandise first.

KU: Good call. Hey tabloid folk?

BWT: Yes?

KU: Wanna buy a t-shirt?

BWT: You bet! Hey is that a feather?

Somewhere far away in the stands…

Solong/BrownEyes: My feather senses are tingling… I got it!

Back on the main floor…

BWT: Oh, I just felt a chill.

Well, that's all for this week's first special. Have a wonderful day, and remember: Copyright infringement is serious business… Until you find a way around it.

**A/N: **_Okay there are five 'hidden' animes/mangas in this chapter. If you can name all five—you get to pick the next special! Or something like that… Have a nice day!_


	12. Orihime Special

**A/N**: _Since I'm sure no one can wait till the end, here's the animes/mangas (in order of appearance): Dragonball Z, Naruto, Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles (None of you could guess that? Hehe…), InuYasha, and Fullmetal Alchemist. Cheers to Wayoshi for getting the most right and Necros348 for 'second place.' Enjoy the chapter!_

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Orihime Special**

Here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid, we serves all kinds. With that being said, let us introduce you to today's special: Orihime! Ah, yes, Orihime. That insane… well we'll get to all of that in a bit. Today we started with the girl of the issue herself, Orihime, just to get to know her a little better.

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hello! Care to answer some questions?

Orihime Inoue: Well, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to.

BWT: What do you mean?

OI: Uliquiorra might get upset.

BWT: …That dude is depression defined and you're worried about upsetting him over an interview?

OI: Of course!

BWT: What have we gotten ourselves into this time…

OI: Want to try some of the cake I made for him? I'm afraid he won't like it…

BWT: …Did you put sticks in that?

OI: Well, yeah, I had to use oak bark, actually. Can you believe they don't have cinnamon down here?

BWT: It would seem your cooking skills have improved over the duration of your stay!

OI: Not really, no.

BWT: Oh.

Uliquiorra Cifer: What are you doing here?

BWT: Um, hey look! Is that Grimmjow standing in a seductive pose?

UC: Where?

BWT: Haha! You fell for it!

So we left Hueco Mundo for the time being and headed off to the world of the living!

BWT: Ishigo!

Ichigo Kurosaki: That's Ichigo!

BWT: Whatever! Care to comment on Orihime?

IK: I thought she died?

BWT: Not that we're aware of!

IK: Oh… I should probably go save her now…

BWT: …Probably?

IK: Well, yeah. I could save her, but… I don't know. What's in it for me?

BWT: Good questions.

At this remark we contemplated the universe for several hours. Since it was a rather unremarkable conversation and mostly went something like this:

IK: Dude.

BWT: Dude.

We decided to skip it! Next he headed over to her friend's house. Not only did we find Tatsuki, but also some person named Chizuru Honsho!

Tatsuki Arisawa: Who are you people?

BWT: Glad you asked! We're the crew from BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! The greatest show on—!

TA: I'm sorry; you seem to be under the impression that I care.

BWT: Why are you people so hurtful! You're just like Grimmjow—always denying love!

Chizuru Honsho: Did someone say love?

BWT: Who are you, Ms. Crazy?

CH: I am Orihime's best friend in the world! Or at least that's the public story. The truth is—!

TA: Would you shut up! No one believes you!

CH: Aw, come on Tatsuki! Don't be so jealous…

TA: Who's jealous?

BWT: Wow, that's a scary glare! We think it beats Ichigo's by a long shot!

TA: What do you people need, anyways?

BWT: Oh, we were going to ask you about Orihime!

TA: Orihime? You know where she is?

BWT: Yeah, everyone knows.

TA: You have to tell us! We need to know so we can go help her!

BWT: Uh, yeah. We don't think we're allowed to do that.

TA: What? Why not?

CH: Ow, my head. Oh? Did someone say Orihime?

BWT: Why is she taking her shirt off?

TA: Hold on; I'll fix it.

At which point she promptly knocked her 'friend' over the head, leaving her unconscious and twitching (slightly foaming at the mouth) on the floor.

BWT: Interesting company Orihime keeps!

TA: You had better start coughing up some answers, or you're next!

BWT: Uhm, we just remember we have to go do something… over there!

TA: Get back here! Where's Orihime? Did Ichigo murder her? Tell me!

Barely escaping yet another stark-raving fan, we headed towards Ichigo's house!

BWT: Oh, Ichigo!

IK: Go away!

BWT: Aw, why?

IK: I've been in the tabloid too much… go bug Hitsugaya. You like him, right?

BWT: Neh.

IK: …

Giving up on that endeavor we headed off to the Soul Society. Ah, yes. The Soul Society.

BWT: Hello Seireitei! Let us in!

Seireitei Collective Response: No!

BWT: Well, I never!

Fed up and ready to end this special with a big bang, we did the only thing we know how to do: put on _Dude Looks Like a Lady_ and invaded Hueco Mundo!

BWT: Grimmy! Where are you!

Uliquiorra Cifer: Go away! We're busy!

BWT: Too bad!

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: What do you want this time?

BWT: We want to make a decent special and everyone's kicking us out of their houses!

GJ: Never stopped you before…

BWT: They found a way.

GJ: … [Censor] them. Now I have to deal with you.

UC: See you later Grimmy; I'm going to go check on Orihime.

BWT: …Fine! Don't help us with our problem!

With that we marched off to Aizen's chambers, just barely hearing Uliquiorra's shout of, "She's missing!" and of course Grimmjow's, "[Censor]!"

BWT: Aizen! Everyone is being mean to us and won't help us with this special.

Sosuke Aizen: Is that so?

BWT: Yup. We just don't know a thing about this Orihime person. How do we write a special if no one talks to us?

SA: I have the perfect solution! Let's have tea!

BWT: …Tea's cool.

SA: With a special guest!

BWT: …Special guests are fun!

Orihime Inoue: How did I get here?

BWT: Aw, Aizen, you're the best!

SA: I know.

BWT: So Orihime, any comments on your crazy friends?

OI: Sure! Well, Ichigo is totally a two-timer, even if he does save me, Rukia's a lying, cheating, [censor], and Chizuru is just a [censor], who really creeps me out; Tatsuki is overprotective and I question whether or not her and Chizuru will end up together, Chad creeps me out, and Uryu is a complete nerd who thinks he has a chance with me. Uliquiorra raped me, then made me watch him rape Grimmjow (who I think enjoyed it more than he'll ever admit), and Aizen has a few bolts loose. Rumor has it that he's been in both Gin and Kaname's rooms for more than a few minutes at a time!

BWT: Wow.

OI: Don't even get me started on the Soul Reapers—I mean, hello? Toshiro is, like, ten years old in human years or something. And he's one of their most powerful captains? No wonder the Soul Society keeps getting attacked by its failed experiments and whackos! And why is it they have a thousand year old dude for their leader? I mean, I'm pretty sure he's senile. And what about Shunsui and Byakuya? All that pink is giving people the wrong idea—I don't care how masculine they think it is. And another thing—!

BWT: Wow.

SA: I wonder how long this will go on.

BWT: Not sure.

Six hours later we got our answer!

OI: So, in conclusion, would you like to try some of my cooking?

BWT: What's in it?

OI: Oh, the usual. Some peppers, rat's tails, rice, toenail clippings, I took a bath in it then dropped it on the floor, sushi, a biology book, seaweed and a dash of salt!

BWT: Uhm… We think that's against our religion! Thanks, though!

OI: Oh well, more for me.

BWT: Gross.

So we left Hueco Mundo, hoping the editors wouldn't fire us for this issue. Even if they do, we'll be back! Every day! Any day! For we are… BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! We wonder if they'll let us back in the Seireitei yet. We hear there's a candy-obsessed child that would be a perfect predecessor to the Hallow-een edition!

Until next time, remember: if you see Grimmjow and Uliquiorra making out, it's best not to mention it.

**A/N: **_I didn't like it, but I'll retain hope for a little while. This one goes out to The Layman. _


	13. Halloween

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hallow-een **

Welcome to the very late, almost past deadline, special edition of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! Today's special is all about Halloween, and the spectacular that is puns! Before we begin, we'd like to advise you _not_ to trick-or-treat in Hueco Mundo—it's not safe kids!

To start things off we headed around the Seireitei asking the only question that matters: "Trick or treat?" First up, Squad One!

BWT: Trick or treat!

Squad One Candy Man: If I give you candy, will you leave without causing me any mental pain?

BWT: Probably!

SOCM: Here ya go.

BWT: Wee!

Next we headed to Squad Two, who chose to be much more interesting!

BWT: Wow, nice decorations.

Scary Dude in a Mask: Rawr! Rugh! Blah! Blergh-a!

BWT: We don't get it!

Soifon: Ugh. All of the strobe lights, the mysterious fog, the _real_ decaying corpses—they're supposed to scare you! We took all day off just to turn Squad Two into a haunted house!

BWT: Oh. This is supposed to be scary?

Soifon: Yes! Now Yoruichi will be angry with me!

BWT: What does she have to do with anything?

Soifon: Well, you see, it's been a tradition of the Stealth Force to create the scariest barracks for Halloween. If I fail in this task what will Yoruichi think of me?

BWT: We're pretty sure she wouldn't really care!

Soifon: What do you know! Get out of my barracks! No candy either!

Mean while, some where in the World of the Living…

Yoruichi Shihoin: Mmm, Kisuke.

Kisuke Urahara: Say, Yoruichi, didn't you have somewhere to go tonight?

YS: Hm. Nope!

KU: Okay then!

Back with the BWT crew…

BWT: We're going to Squad Three! We're going to Squad Three! Trick or treat!

Izuru Kira: What do you want?

BWT: Whoa, you and your barracks totally match the Halloween theme!

IK: What do you mean? This is how I always dress, and this is how my barracks always looks.

BWT: … On second thought, we don't want any candy.

A few minutes later we found ourselves at Unohana's office.

BWT: Trick or treat!

Retsu Unohana: Sounds more like 'Shot or toothpaste' to me.

BWT: …Uh?

RU: Yes. Now what would you prefer? A free flu shot or a tube of toothpaste?

BWT: How about… neither?

RU: Oh ho ho ho! You have to pick one, other wise you don't leave!

Suddenly Isane Kotetsu and Yasochika Iemura appeared behind us, and grabbed one arm each.

BWT: On second thought, toothpaste would be lovely! We could really use a new flavor!

RU: Try some cinnamon flavored!

BWT: You betcha!

Upon receiving our… 'treat' we quickly fled the Fourth and headed on to… Oh great.

BWT: Uh, trick or treat?

Momo Hinamori: Aizen.

BWT: What?

MH: Aizen.

BWT: We're not sure…

Random Squad Five Member: Sorry about that. She gets like this every Halloween. Here's some candy.

BWT: Thanks we—!

MH: Toshiro.

RSFM: Oh my [censor] goodness! A breakthrough! A Halloween miracle!

BWT: Okay then, we'll just…

RSFM: Someone call a doctor! Someone mark the calendar! Someone get Toshiro! I mean Captain Hitsugaya!

BWT: We'll be going now.

Next stop: Squad Six.

BWT: Ah, the nostalgia!

Just as a tiny, little joke we decided to dress up as Rukia Kuchiki just to see Byakuya's face. Of course we didn't just dress up like Rukia— where's the fun in that? —We dressed up as a dead/dying Rukia! Ah the joys of fake blood!

BWT: Byakuya!

Byakuya Kuchiki: R-Rukia?

BWT: No silly it's—!

BK: No! Rukia! I've broken my promise to my late wife! My honor! My honor! Gah! My honor burns!

BWT: We never realized someone could _feel_ dishonor…

BK: No! Why!

Renji Abarai: Captain Kuchiki! What happened—Rukia?

BWT: No we—!

RA: Rukia! No! Why!

BWT: Um, we're just going to take some candy and leave now.

So we left Squad Six with a captain and lieutenant who were bawling in their own special corners and headed to Squad Seven!

BWT: Trick or treat! Oh, nice costume.

Sajin Komamura: This isn't a costume. This is my face.

BWT: Of course it is.

SK: I hate everyone's guts up here. Why did you leave me to this horrid place Kaname? The only thing worth staying for anymore is Head Captain Yamamoto!

BWT: Wow, if you think that's all that's worthwhile up here, you really need to get out more.

Next up, Squad Eight!

Shunsui Kyoraku: Woo! New arrival! Hey there, fella! Care to join us for a few drinks?

BWT: After what happened last time?

SK: Sure! That's half the fun!

Shuhei Hisagi: Yeah come on!

Rangiku Matsumoto: Really, you need to loosen up a bit, other wise you'll be like my captain—short and loveless!

SK: True, true! So what do you say?

BWT: Well, just a couple for on the road!

SK: Woohoo! That's the spirit!

Nanao Ise: Captain, please! Put your pants back on!

Once more we were off, drinks in hand, headed past Squad Nine, —being that the place was deserted— and to Squad Ten!

Toshiro Hitsugaya: Get out of here! You stupid people, for the last time, we don't have any candy here!

Random Kid One: Stop hogging all the candy! We saw Captain Ukitake give you a ton earlier!

TH: Shut up and get out of my barracks! Hey! Stay off the grass!

BWT: You're not much of a 'holiday spirit' kind of guy are you?

TH: Get out of here _before_ I decide to drawHyōrinmaru!

BWT: Fine, fine, Mr. Cranky Pants!

TH: Have you been drinking?

BWT: Mebe…

TH: Grr…

Feeling the temperature drop, we headed off to Squad Eleven, only to nearly get run over by a pink blur! Following said blur was the unmistakable bulk of Kenpachi Zaraki, followed by the entire Squad Eleven!

BWT: Trick or treat?

Kenpachi Zaraki: We don't have any!

Random Squad Eleven Member One: Because of Yachiru!

Random Squad Eleven Member Two: She goes nuts when she gets a hold of anything sugary!

Random Squad Eleven Member Three: Try Squad Thirteen!

Understanding there was no candy to be found here, we marched off to Squad Twelve!

BWT: Trick or treat!

Mayuri Kurotsuchi: Another one! Quick, abduct him too!

Nemu Kurotsuchi: At once.

MK: This is always my favorite time of year! So many fine specimens march right up to me! I'm always stocked for months after today!

BWT: Meep!

Fleeing swiftly, we headed off to Squad Thirteen.

BWT: Although we're a bit afraid to ask… Trick or treat?

Jushiro Ukitake: Treats! Treats for all the small children!

BWT: Why are you singing like that?

JU: Candy for me, candy for you, candy for all! Sweet treats and more!

BWT: Jackpot!

Exhausted, we headed back to home base with a sack of goodies (plus one bottle of toothpaste) to show for our hard work. We hope you enjoyed today's holiday special, remember to eat all your candy in the first two days!


	14. Yachiru Attacks

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Yachiru Attacks **

Greetings! As the mad dash to return unused party supplies ensues, please keep in mind that killing people is a profession best left to the Arrancar! We decided that one night simply isn't enough for Halloween, and so we sought a pro to help us with the daunting task of extending this holiday until Monday comes crashing in!

To the Seireitei!

Once we arrived we headed straight over to Squad Eleven. The meanest, cruelest, toughest, downright nastiest group of marauders ever to be on the side of good!

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hello Ne'er-Do-Wells! Anyone seen the lieutenant around?

Random Squad Eleven Soul Reaper: I think she's still on a sugar buzz from last night…

BWT: Perfect!

RSESR: No! You don't understand! She's insane when there's even a trace of sugar in her blood! You'd be mad to confront her!

BWT: …We've been called worse!

We then made our way to Kenpachi's office where we found his chair vibrating rather rapidly, but no Kenny sitting upon the chair. What we did find was one Yachiru foaming at the mouth, and shaking the chair apart!

Yachiru Kusajishi: Need. More. Candy!

BWT: Hello there! We heard you might be able to help us!

YK: With what?

BWT: Making Halloween last forever! Or at least until Monday!

YK: That sounds fun! Hey, what's your name anyways?

BWT: We are the Bleach Weekly Tabloid group!

YK: Bl… a… kly… a… oid? Hmm… Baka-Chii!

BWT: Works for us!

YK: Let's go find Kenny!

Since her eye was twitching a little, we decided it best to keep a good distance away from Yachiru as she led us off into the Seireitei to wreak havoc!

Soon enough we stumbled by Mr. Zaraki who was just leaving Unohana's office.

Kenpachi Zaraki: What are _you_ doing with my lieutenant? She was supposed to stay inside until the sugar wore off!

BWT: We're trying to extend Halloween! Last night was _so much_ fun we decided it _needed_ to keep going!

KZ: … Is Byakuya aware of this?

BWT: Nope!

KZ: Carry on.

YK: Wait! Kenny, we need your help!

KZ: Ugh. What's in it for me?

YK: We'll visit Ichi!

KZ: Is that right?

BWT: Sure!

KZ: Well, if you'll be paying a visit to Ichigo, I suppose I could go along for the ride.

BWT: That's the spirit!

With that we were off once more. Naturally we sought out Squad Six's illustrious captain and lieutenant!

BWT: What do you mean they're in the psych ward?

Retsu Unohana: Someone gave them quite a fright last night it would seem. They've been in shock for several hours now.

BWT: Aw! What kind of jerk would do that? Now who are we supposed to show our Zombie Hisana costume to?

RU: …

Spirits dampened, but far from soaked we looked to Yachiru for our next step!

YK: There's only one thing to do now.

KZ: I don't like the sound of this…

BWT: Sounds good to us so far!

YK: We must… attack.

At this point the BLEACH Weekly Tabloid crew asks you to apply your favorite brand of action music and read on.

YK: Yoohoo! Baldy! Give us candy!

Ikkaku Madarame: I don't have any more! You ate it all!

YK: Get 'em boys!

BWT: For pony!

KZ: Cause I'm bored!

IM: Ah! No! Captain please! Get off me you idiots!

YK: Now to the old guy!

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: What do you need Sqaud Eleven?

YK: Can~Day!

GSY: Wah! My grandmotherly complex! Save me Zoro!

Chojiro Sasakibe: For the last time! My name is _Cho—_!

BWT: Wahaha!

GSY: No! Not another one! How will I ever get a replacement that enjoys sewing as much as I do?

KZ: I want to kill Ichigo now!

YK: To the World of the Living!

So while the Seireitei burned down, we skipped off to Earth, munching on leftover Halloween candy.

Rukia Kuchiki: Oh no.

Ichigo Kurosaki: What? Hallow?

RK: No. Worse. Much, much worse.

IK: What could it be—?

Suddenly Ichigo went flying through the nearest window.

YK: Wow! Look at Ichi fly!

BWT: We should get a taller building next time!

KZ: You're right. Five stories isn't enough. I better go help the building finish him off!

YK: Bye Kenny! Have fun!

BWT: Candy!

YK: Candy!

RK: Ahh! Byakuya save me!

BWT: …

YK: …

RK: …

BWT: Maybe he's not—.

Byakuya Kuchiki swiftly crashed through the window next to the one Ichigo had flown out of, followed by Renji and the rest of Squad Six.

Byakuya Kuchiki: Back away from her now!

BWT: Hey! Look at our new costume!

BK: Ah! My eyes! My heart! My spleen!

Renji Abarai: Oh, no! Captain! Speak to me!

BK: …Kill…

RA: What Captain? Kill who?

BK: …Kill Blah…

RA: Blah?

BK: …Kill the crew!

RA: Oh!

BK: Also!

RA: Hu?

BK: If you touch Rukia when I'm gone… I'll make your life a living nightmare.

RA: Wait! Sir that doesn't make any sense!

BK: …One last thing… Renji…

RA: Yes, sir?

BK: …You're…

RA: …

BK: …An idiot.

RA: No! Captain!

BWT: Uh?

RA: This is all _your _fault!

BWT: Um?

RA: I'll kill you!

BWT: Meep!

YK: Hold it right there Red Man!

RA: Hu?

YK: Baka-Chii has been helping me collect candy so that my sugar high may never die all day! The only one who's normally this nice is Kenny! You touch a hair on this guy's head, and you'll answer to me!

RA: Pft! What could a kid like you do?

YK: …Get me the razor and stick, please. Oh, and another chocolate bar!

BWT: Here you are!

YK: Thanks, Baka-Chii!

RA: Hey! Keep that away from me! No! Don't stick that there! No! Mommy!

BWT: Wow, we never realized chocolate could bring about such violence!

All too soon Kenny was done beating up Ichigo (neither could move), and we hauled them up to Captain Unohana's place. Yachiru was forcibly dragged back to Squad Eleven on Kenpachi's orders (because he couldn't keep an eye on her from the hospital), but most of the squad was injured in the process.

We hoped you enjoyed this week's issue; look for more of the same and better next Sunday!

**A/N: **_Unlike most weeks, I don't have any ideas for a special this week. If you have a cool idea, shoot me a line, eh? Good luck on Monday!_


	15. Road Trip

**A/N: **_I've been having some technical difficulties, so sorry. Never fear though; I'm back! Blah blah blah disclaimer. _

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Road Trip!**

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid would like to remind you that crickets are not a nutritional substitution for major food groups.

This week the crew takes you along for the ride as your favorite characters go on their first camp out! Do we really need to say anything more? First step? Packing.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi: You dolts! Be careful with that equipment! Idiot! Don't spill that acid all over yourself; it'll burn holes through _my _floor if it drips off you!

Nemu Kurotsuchi: Ah, Captain?

MK: What is it now?

NK: I was just informed that we won't be allowed to take along any equipment.

MK: What?

NK: It would seem the goal of this trip is to go "all natural" and "back to basics".

MK: …I don't get it.

NK: No experiments, Sir. We'll be staying on an animal reservation.

MK: … What the [censor]?

Meanwhile over at Squad Two…

Soifon: Okay, pack up everyone. We'll need tight security out there in the wilderness. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I've heard. Serial killers, murderers, rapist, on and on!

Marechiyo Omaeda: Have you been watching scary movies again?

Soifon: No! Hey, is that a hockey mask? You're under arrest!

The captain of Squad Two then proceeds to tackle an innocent Lieutenant Omaeda, who shouts back, "Wait! I'm Canadian, this is my lucky goalie mask!"

Next we moved to Squad One!

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: Whose idea was it to go camping again?

Chojiro Sasakibe: Yours, Sir.

GSY: Oh, I see.

And to Squad Four!

Retsu Unohana: Now, we need to pack plenty of medical supplies. We must be prepared for everything! Bug bites, cuts, scrapes, broken bones—everything I tell you!

Isane Kotetsu: Do we really need _all_ of this?

RU: Oh of course! Do you realize an untreated wound suffered in such an uncivilized environment could lead to death if not properly and promptly treated?

IK: Whatever you say, Captain.

Yasochika Iemura: Look Mom! I'm in BWT!

RU: Back to work!

So the day progressed as everyone in the Seireitei packed his or her bags in preparation for the biggest camp out of all time! Naturally, things couldn't go all smooth for our beloved Soul Reapers, because, of course, the Human World caught wind of it!

Ichigo Kurosaki: Rukia! I already told you: I'm coming too!

Rukia Kuchiki: Ichigo do you honestly think that's a good idea? My brother, you, and Renji all in the same tent? You'll be at each other's throats before night falls! I bet you wouldn't even make it five minutes!

IK: In the wilderness?

RK: No, you idiot! Camping out with the entire Seireitei!

IK: I don't understand what the big deal is!

RK: They're all crazy! That's what the big deal is!

IK: …Do you listen to yourself?

RK: …Fine. You can come. Be packed and ready to go by sun-up tomorrow!

One last stop before heading into the woods for the weekend! We made our way to Squad Eleven (back by popular demand!) to check up on their progress before getting some sleep for the big day of reporting coming up!

Kenpachi Zaraki: Okay men, listen up! Squad Eleven is only for the toughest in the Seireitei, therefore we will not be packing anything! Real men can survive with their own wits and strength! If you're not alive by the end of this little trip, don't come crying to me. And don't bother coming back to this squad!

Cheers erupted and Squad Eleven marched off for its hourly training. We headed to bed for the night, patiently awaiting tomorrows chaos.

The next morning we awoke to the loud trumpet blares of Squad Two and shouts of:

"What the [censor]?"

"Shut the [censor] up! Time to get going!"

followed by a collective groan. We grabbed our backpacks, picked up Ichigo, Kisuke and Yoruichi from the World of the Living, and headed to the biggest animal reservation known to Soul Reaper-kind: Seireitei International Animal Reservation!

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: Now then, all captains will be in charge of setting up their division's tents. Even though the captains will be in charge, the purpose of this trip is to form stronger teamwork skills. Be sure to treat everyone equally and—Kuchiki what are you doing?

Byakuya Kuchiki, who had been glaring at Ichigo, who was staring at Rukia, faced the imposing commander and quickly said something about 'hearing a squirrel'. Ignoring "Byakuya's Squirrel Issues" the commander dismissed the captains, and the fun began anew. First we went to record Soifon and the second squad's progress! (Did we mention she's BWT's character of the week? It's true!)

Soifon: Okay you lazy bums, get moving! I want this tent set up by 0600!

Random Punishment Force (Ninja) One: But, Captain, we arrived at the grounds at 0600. How could we have had the barracks erect by then?

Soifon: You stupid lazy ninjas! We're the Punishment Force! The Secret Remote Squad! We're supposed to be ahead of everyone! We're the ones who prep the battleground for the front linemen!

Kenpachi Zaraki: Hey, hold on just a minute. No one assists Squad Eleven.

Soifon: What are you rambling on about?

KZ: I'm saying that your lousy ninjas don't _do_ anything. It's all Squad Eleven on the frontlines!

Soifon: Is that a challenge?

KZ: You tell me!

Soifon: It's on, Fatty!

KZ: Bring it, Midget!

Soifon: Get ready to eat my fairy dust, Tinkerbell!

Random Soul Reaper: Ooooooooo! Burned like a piece of toast!

Ikkaku Madarame: Did the Punishment Force's commander just insult Captain Zaraki's bells?

Yumichika Ayasegawa: She said what about his balls?

IM: Bells! I said bells, you pervert!

As the awkwardness of the situation settled in, both squads marched off to construct their temporary barracks. Renji muttered something about, "as immature as a snowball fight" before continuing to assist with Squad Six's tents. Speaking of Squad Six…

BWT: Yoo-hoo! Byakuya!

Byakuya Kuchiki: What now?

BWT: Look! A squirrel!

BK: …

BWT: Oh, we thought you'd be worried. Considering you have issues with squirrels and all. Heheheh…

BK: Your jokes do not amuse me.

BWT: Oh. Ever heard of the one where the squirrel's making out with your sister?

BK: What? That doesn't even—.

Suddenly his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when he caught sight of said squirrel and sister.

BK: Scatter Senbonzakura…

Ichigo Kurosaki: My squirrel senses are tingling! I suddenly feel like my life's in danger!

Just as he was about to be run through, Ichigo nimbly dodged the thousands of petals, and took off into the forest alone. That was weird! Next we headed to Squad Ten's neck of the woods.

Toshiro Hitsugaya: Hurry up over there; we don't have all day!

Rangiku Matsumoto: Say, Captain? Can I go over to Squad Five's tents?

TH: Why would you want to go there?

RM: Oh, no reason.

TH: Whatever. You're just in the way here.

RM: Yay! Thank you Captain! Have fun with Lieutenant Hinamori later!

TH: What—!

BWT: Say, Mr. T, what was your lieutenant talking about?

TH: N-nothing!

BWT: Oh, okay, well then I guess we'll just—!

Momo Hinamori: Toshiro?

TH: Captain Hitsugaya.

BWT: Whatever.

TH: …

BWT: Wait a minute…

TH: …

MH: …

BWT: Is that a squirrel in that tree?

TH: Leave now.

With that we headed off to Squad Seven, a squad we rarely visit! We arrived on the scene to see the first fully constructed tent-barracks.

BWT: Wow! This is amazing! Really top-notch—and that's saying a lot coming from us!

Tetsuzaemon Iba: Well, that's the boss for you. He's really dedicated to following the big guy's orders down to a tee. I'm gonna go get drunk now.

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: I am rather impressed by your promptness and solid execution. Good boy, Komamura, here's your doggy treat.

Sajin Komamura: Oh boy, oh boy! Snack time! I love the bacon-flavored kind!

GSY: Hoho, yes I know, my loyal dog. Here's a bacon nom-nom for you.

SK: I love you!

GSY: Good boy, now roll over.

SK: Yes sir!

At this point Captain Komamura begins rapidly rolling across the forest floor, and quickly meets the edge (followed by the bottom) of a near by cliff. Good thing he has that helmet. Oh, wait. No he doesn't—he took it off to get the doggy treat.

BWT: That was probably more violence than we could afford in one issue!

GSY: I've never seen you around before—what squad are you in?

BWT: Uhm, I'm in the one squad with that captain with the thing and the yeah.

GSY: Oh! You're in Shunsui's squad?

BWT: Sure, why not!

GSY: Shunsui has always been one of my favorites— along with Jushiro of course.

SK: M-master? I'm not your—but I thought—!

GSY: Oh isn't this wonderful… now you're going to start crying, is that it? You can be such a worthless mutt at times!

SK: B-but Master! I love you! _Sniffle! _Tell me how to serve you better Master! _Waaah!_

GSY: This could take a while.

BWT: We'll be on our way then!

Just as we turned away from the Captain Commander, a loud explosion went off in the distance. We remained still long enough to hear Old Man Yama's comment of:

GSY: I told those idiots from Research and Development they weren't allowed to bring anything!

We arrived on the scene, which happened to be the area between the areas designated for Squad Eleven and Squad Two, to find Soifon and Kenpachi at each other's throats—literally!

Soifon: Why can't I cut you?

Kenpachi Zaraki: Get off of my head you freakish midget! And stop poking me with your zanpakuto—it tickles!

Yachiru Kusajishi: Kenny's having fun!

KZ: No I'm not!

YK: Oh. Kenny's not having fun!

KZ: … Hey! You!

BWT: Us?

KZ: Yeah, get this _thing_ off my head would you?

BWT: Why can't you?

KZ: Because it's not worth my time.

BWT: Guess she'll be stuck up there for a while… unless Yachiru tries to get her down.

YK: No way! Kenny's having fun!

KZ: No I'm not!

BWT and YK: Whatever! Yay!

Soifon: Die!

Nodding to ourselves, seeing that all was well, we made our way to Squad Twelve's temporary barracks!

Mayuri Kurotsuchi: Quick! Catch that squirrel before he chews on some wires!

BWT: What's going on?

MK: That [censor] Kurosaki-Squirrel is jumping all over the place, and we can't catch him—or I should say my idiot assistants can't.

Nemu Kurotsuchi: Sir! Look out, the squirrel is coming your way!

MK: Shoot it!

Random Assistant One: We left all our weapons in the Seireitei!

MK: Don't we have some acid or something?

Random Assistant Two: It was all confiscated!

BWT: Wait. Captain Ugly-Face, where's your make-up? You actually look kind of nice without it.

MK: What the [censor]? You creepy… thing! Don't touch me.

BWT: But your hair is _purple!_

MK: It is not!

NK: My captain is right, it isn't purple.

BWT: …

NK: It's blue.

MK: …

BWT: Bwahaha! That's so cool! Is it real? Or is your mask real and they just decided to de-freak-afi you?

MK: Let go of my hair, blast you!

Just then Captain Zaraki walks over with Soifon still on his head, and Yachiru looking rather cross because Soifon is in her saddle.

Kenpachi Zaraki: So, you've got an idiot tugging at your head too?

MK: Yes, as you can plainly see.

KZ: Hmm. I've got an idea.

BWT: The way he says 'idea' scares us! Oh look! We pulled some hair out; we should totally start a scrapbook!

KZ: We'll just have to collide!

MK: What do you mean?

KZ: You know, like how people wake up from a dream—they shock themselves awake! Except in this case we head-butt each other, and in affect we smash these two like pancakes, causing them to fall off!

MK: That's… brilliant! You should join Research and Development!

KZ: No thanks, not enough blood.

MK: You obviously haven't seen me operate on some of my experiments before.

BWT: We're even more frightened, but still pre-occupied by Captain Creepy's hair!

Soifon: Die!

KZ: It. Is. Time.

MK: …Agreed.

What follows, we were told, is incredibly violent and not suited for young readers! However, being that we were too preoccupied to notice anything but Captain Creepy and Kenny screaming at the top of their lungs as they charged towards each other, we can't really tell you what happened first hand! Another reason we can't tell you what happened is because we blacked out! The next thing we knew, we were in Squad Four's camp!

Retsu Unohana: You sure do get into the middle of a lot of peculiar situations, don't you?

BWT: The cow ate an orange; the chicken ate the moon. Spoon.

RU: Hmm, maybe I should refrain from speaking to you until the head scans have come back…

With this Captain Unohana left the room, long enough for us to escape!

BWT: Haha! You'll never trap us here!

Perhaps leaping through the window shortly after suffering a possible concussion wasn't the best idea, but, hey, they weren't supposed to bring anything modern—what was Squad Four doing with glass windows?

BWT: Yay! Blood loss!

Yachiru Kusajishi: Yay! What're you doing?

BWT: Bleeding to death!

YK: That's great! Want to catch a squirrel?

BWT: Sure! Hey wait. We just thought of something!

YK: What!

BWT: Where are Urahara and Yoruichi?

YK: Hmm, last I heard Hat Man and Cat Woman were staying in the Squad Thirteen's extra room!

BWT: Why do they have an extra room…?

YK: I don't know! Now let's go get us a squirrel!

BWT: Here, here! But first…

YK: Yes…

BWT: We must gather people!

YK: Let's get Kenny!

And so we left with the rambunctious lieutenant and headed off to Squad Eleven!

BWT and YK: Kenn~ny!

Kenpachi Zaraki walked out of the captain's tent with an ice pack on his head.

KZ: Hey! Keep it down! I have a [censor] awful headache from knocking skulls with that creep from Squad Twelve.

YK: Kenny! We're going to go find _the squirrel._

KZ: The squirrel? What squirrel?

BWT: No, no! Not the squirrel. _The squirrel._

KZ: That's what I said!

YK: Come on Kenny help us find _the squirrel._

KZ: …I'll pass.

YK: Aw! Kenny you're no fun!

BWT: Oh well. If he doesn't want to fight _the squirrel…_

KZ: Fight a squirrel? That's just a waste of time!

BWT: Is it a waste of time if…

YK: _The squirrel_ is the strongest…

BWT: Being currently in existence?

KZ: Strong, hu? How strong are we talking?

BWT: … Ichigo strong.

KZ: Why didn't you say so in the first place? Let's go!

YK: Yay!

BWT: Yay!

KZ: Let's go boys!

Suddenly every Squad Eleven member within a five-mile radius converged on the spot and we were off on our squirrel hunt!

BWT: Wait!

KZ: What?

BWT: We need to go get someone first!

KZ: I think my entire squad is enough to catch a squirrel.

BWT: Whatever!

With that we skipped off to Squad Six's tents.

Byakuya Kuchiki: What do _you_ want?

BWT: We wanted to know if you want to catch _the squirrel._

BK: I'm not interested in any stinking animals.

BWT: Not even if it's the animal that was making out with your sister?

BK: …_That squirrel?_

BWT: Indeed!

BK: …I'll get Renji and meet you at the cliff.

BWT: Okay!

Next we headed off to the cliff, only to be stopped on the way by a Squad Two ninja that we accidentally tripped over!

Squad Two Ninja: Mine!

BWT: Hu?

STN: My food!

BWT: We may not be the brightest star in the sky, but even we know that is _not_ food. That's a cricket!

STN: Master Soifon has taken away all food. It's every man for himself! Stay away from Jimmy!

BWT: Who's Jimmy?

STN: Jimmy Cricket!

BWT: Ah! Spit our hand out!

STN: Never!

BWT: You should get that foaming-at-the-mouth thing checked out!

STN: Mrrgllfump!

BWT: Whatever you say!

Luckily for us, another Squad Two ninja chose this moment to show up and distract our captor long enough for us to escape!

Squad Two Ninja Two: My cricket!

Squad Two Ninja One: Mine!

STNT: Mine!

STNO: Mine!

STNT: Mine!

STNO: Mine!

BWT: Okay, we'll just be on our way!

Poor cricket. Not our problem though! At the cliff we found Captain Zaraki and Kuchiki talking, and very likely discussing strategy.

KZ: So while my boys come up behind him…

BK: We'll attack head on; Renji will be heading a back-up force in case he eludes us.

KZ: We've got this squirrel in the bag!

BWT: _The squirrel._

KZ: Whatever. Are you ready to go or what?

And so we headed off into the deep, dark woods in search for the elusive squirrel!

Renji Abarai: Did you guys hear that?

BK: Stop jumping at shadows.

RA: No, really! There's something over there!

Suddenly we saw a blur moving between the tree branches at lightening speed! Just as Kenpachi was about to give the command to attack, someone fell out of the branches and crash-landed in front of our search party!

BK: Rukia?

Rukia Kuchiki: Ow.

BK: What were you doing up there?

RK: Uh. Nothing. Nothing at all—run Ichigo!

BK: After it!

KZ: Wait, I thought it was a squirrel!

BWT: _The squirrel._

Once again our party charged forth, rushing through the woods until suddenly someone else fell out of the treetops, thus halting us once more!

KZ: It's the crazy ninja!

Soifon: My head continues to take abuse this day.

BWT: Crazy ninja lady, what were you doing in that tree? Even we don't know!

BK: Wait. Does that mean you know what Rukia was doing in the trees before?

Soifon: Well, my squad turned against me.

BWT: …

BK: …

RK: …

KZ: …

YK: …

Soifon: What?

BK: Never mind, we don't have time for this. Squad Six, after that squirrel!

BWT: _The squirrel. _

KZ: Don't let him show you up—get that squirrel Squad Eleven!

BWT: _The squirrel._

YK: _Now_ Kenny's having fun!

Soifon: Hey! I refuse to be left out of this! Get _the squirrel _Squad Two!

Squad Two: Food… need—is that a cricket? Mine!

Soifon: [Censor].

BWT: At least you got the name right!

So after a long, grueling chase we finally caught up to _the squirrel_ at the bottom of the cliff we so conveniently camped next to!

Sajin Komamura: Head… treat… woof.

BWT: Hey look! We haven't seen you since you fell off the cliff yesterday!

SK: Doctor. Please… I—!

BWT: Not now Mr. Puppy-Face! We've almost got _the squirrel._

SK: Tell my master I—!

BK: Squirrel!

At this we turned to see Renji bravely being thrown by Kenpachi to knock _the squirrel _out of the tree!

RA: Tell my wife I love her!

BK: You're not married.

RA: [Censor]!

And when the smoke of the explosion (because someone thought it would be a good idea to attach the dynamite they found in an old mine shaft along the way to Renji's leg) _the squirrel_ lay there, exposed for all to see.

All: Ichigo Kurosaki?

Ichigo Kurosaki: And I would've gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids!

BK: Gotten away with what, exactly?

IK: …Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.

And so the camping trip of the century reached its conclusion, with many ending up in Squad Four's medical tents due to head injuries and starvation. Everyone packed up and went their own ways for the time being, and most felt fine after a good night's rest. From BLEACH Weekly Tabloid, we wish you a good Monday and a happy Thanksgiving; we'll see you Sunday!

…Although we can't help but think we forgot something the next day…

Sajin Komamura: Someone… please… help me. Pain… hurts…


	16. Ninja Dog

**A/N:** _For those who caught my big mistake last chapter: kudos to you. I fixed it and reposted the chapter, though, so it's gone now. Enjoy!_

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Ninja Dog**

This week, the tabloid crew wishes to remind you that not all people are cut out for the life of a ninja. Unless of course you're talking about the ninjas from Naruto who sit around eating ramen all day—even we could do that!

The BLEACH Weekly Tabloid crew knows that everyone has something to be thankful for. Some appreciate the high-tech drugs that keep their minds numb and unfocused; while others really enjoy those annoying stories that take characters and settings from the real author and twist them to their own desires. Those people are sick! But to each their own, and this week we will be exploring what the folks around the Seireitei are most thankful for! All the while this issue will actually be ninja based—maybe!

Off to Squad Two we go!

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hey, Soifon!

Soifon: What do you want?

BWT: What are you thankful for?

Soifon: For you—.

BWT: Aw, really?

Soifon: —Leaving.

BWT: Fine.

Soifon: Stick that tongue out again so I can cut it out!

BWT: We'll just be going now!

Next we headed to Squad Seven!

BWT: Puppy Man! What are you thankful for?

Sajin Komamura: Oh, woe is me. I am but a noble warrior, lost in these peaceful times.

BWT: Uh?

SK: Oh, Master, why have you abandoned me? Left me here to rot along side Iba!

Tetsuzaemon Iba: Wow, I'm insulted now… Oh, I'm thankful for sake!

Shuhei Hisagi: Me too!

Renji Abarai: Same here!

Shunsui Kyoraku: Diddo!

Rangiku Matsumoto: Totally!

Izuru Kira: I'm thankful for the color black.

BWT: At least that's more thoughtful than the last five people!

SK: Master! I know what I must do! I'll become the best ninja dog this towns ever seen! I'll train constantly so that I may follow you around like a stalker, but actually be rewarded for it! It's my dream job! Plus black seemed to help Izuru through his depression!

Soifon: If you want to go all depressed 'cause your master hates you, join Izuru's squad not mine! Plus training everyday so that you can stalk someone is my thing!

BWT: When'd Soifon get here?

Soifon: Just now, [censor].

BWT: …That was uncalled for.

Soifon: I think that's just what these [censor] need! They need to get together in some kind of I-Have-Issues-With-A-Former-Comrade/Mentor/Whatever Group, and stop bugging those of us without issues like that!

BWT: Wait, what about you and Yourichi?

Soifon: I'm so over that [censor]!

SK: Hey, is that a black cat over there?

Soifon: What? Where? Master! Come back, I miss you!

Black Cat: [Censor]!

SK: And she says I have issues.

BWT: Wow, nice own Master Puppy-Face.

SK: Thank you, kind reporter. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Master! Why?

A few days later a group was formed for all obsessive people in the Seireitei. Tickets to the first meeting were quickly sold out, but luckily we snagged a few!

Ticket Dude: You only need one ticket per person, you know that right?

BWT: But there are many of us here.

TD: No… There's only one of you…

BWT: Well, no wonder you work the ticket booth. You must've failed every math class you took!

TD: No I didn't! I'm working this job to pay for college!

BWT: Whatever Mr. Oh-I'm-So-Smart! When you have that fancy piece of paper, tell us and we'll show you how good your 'degree' is! Good day sir!

TD: Wait, did you just insult me?

BWT: We said good day!

Inside, Yamamoto kicked things off with a thrilling speech that we did not record because we feel asleep as soon as he opened his mouth! First on the board was—wait that can't be right…

Toshiro Hitsugaya: Greetings colleagues. My name is Toshiro.

Audience: Hello, Toshiro!

TH: Ever since I was a young boy—.

Random Dude: Aren't you currently a young boy?

TH: …

RD: Sorry.

TH: Ever since I was a smaller boy—.

RD: How can you get any smaller than _that?_

TH: _If_ you do not shut the [censor] up, I will freeze this entire [censor] auditorium!

RD: Well—!

Suddenly, several unnamed spectators tackled Random Dude to shut him up so that they all might be spared.

TH: Now. As I was saying, for the longest time I've been obsessed over my—my—mah—I—uh!

BWT: Next!

Rangiku Matsumoto: Well—.

She pauses to take a long drink of whatever's inside her bottle.

RM: Ever since I was a little girl, I've been obsessed over—.

Again she pauses and drinks.

RM: My—.

And again.

RM: Best friend.

A shocked silence filled the stands, until we helped out!

BWT: What's his name?

She takes a long, long drink.

RM: Gin Ichimaru.

Everyone: …!

Matsumoto stands up and walks off, only to be seen backstage hugging Hitsugaya and crying.

BWT: Whoa! It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

(There. We included some holiday cheer, now can we get back to our regularly scheduled program?)

Next up came Izuru!

IK: I've been told that I'm either obsessed or desperate over Gin Ichimaru as well.

Random Dude: Wow. That's creepy, considering we just heard the same thing from a chick.

IK: I didn't want to come to this thing anyways.

And so another one down and Soifon steps up.

Soifon: Stupid no good—Ahem, I was _forced_ to come here by my traitor squad, all of whom insist that I'm _still_ obsessing over Yoruichi or at least black cats. Which I so am not!

All: …Yeah…

Soifon: What's that supposed to mean? I'll kill you all! For Lady Yourichi!

As a few random spectators fled the scene, being pursued by Soifon, Sajin Kommamaru stepped up to the mic.

SK: My name is Sajin.

Audience: Hi Sajin!

SK: I'm obsessed with Master Yamamoto because he is awesome and will never hurt me like others have.

All: …

SK: Thank you for your time.

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: Great. Just what I didn't need—another fan-girl!

The Head Captain's lieutenant looked slightly disturbed at this remark, but held his tongue. Kudos to him for that feat of strength!

As Dog-Face shuffled off the stage, a large numbered of people shuffled on! Hmm. So _that's _where all the tickets went!

Squad Eleven: Hi, we're Squad Eleven.

Audience: Hi Squad Eleven!

SE: We came here tonight because we're obsessed with our captain. We worship the ground he walks on and our only goal in life is to grow strong enough to give him a decent challenge.

Audience: Wow. Hmm. Quite sad. Oh, how tragic!

SE: Thank you for your time.

The audience applauds, and one person shouts out, "Be strong!" to which several members raise their fists in promise.

After that slightly disturbing escapade, the final act walked out onto the stage and—oh no.

Momo Hinamori: Hello. My name is Momo.

Audience: Hi, Momo!

Must… resist… urge to act out!

MH: For a long time now, I have not been well.

Mustn't… open mouth!

MH: And all for the sake of one person.

Tongue… hurts… from biting!

MH: Still today I am obsessed with him.

Don't… give more reason… for Momo fans to hate us!

MH: I am still obsessed with my old mentor, Sosuke Aizen.

BWT: She's hot for teacher!

All: …

BWT: Oh [censor]. We didn't say that aloud did we?

MH: I'll kill you!

BWT: Wait! No! We tried to resist; the temptation was too great!

So, writing on the run, this has been BLEACH Weekly Tabloid, wondering what the point of this issue was exactly!


	17. What If: Bunnies

**A/N: **_Oi, you want more scandals? We'll give you more scandals!… This Sunday. Now, though, it is time for another issue of what would happen…_

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid Presents:**

**What If: Bunnies**

Back by popular demand, the long awaited return of the 'What If' special returns, now with 100% more fluff! Today we explore what would happen if the simple, docile, and fuzzy creature known as a bunny, were suddenly introduced to the Soul Society. A harmless fuzz-ball or a weapon of mass destruction? We're here to find out!

Up to bat is the character of honor this week: Soifon!

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Hello Squad Two!

Soifon: What do you want, and why hasn't anyone killed you yet?

BWT: We never die!

Soifon: …

Marechiyo Omaeda: What's going on?

Soifon: Go away Omaeda! No one likes you!

MO: …Fine.

BWT: Hey Soifon, what's small, occasionally black, and fuzzy?

Soifon: A cat?

BWT: Wrong!

Soifon: …

BWT: A bunny!

Soifon: A rabbit? Rabbits are weak!

BWT: No they're not, see?

At this point we draw a bunny from behind our backs and chuck it at Captain Soifon!

Soifon: Ahhh! Get this blasted thing off my face!

BWT: Wow, you're going red in the face—literally!

Soifon: I'm allergic to rabbits you idiot!

BWT: …oops. Well, don't step outside your house for a few days…weeks…years.

Soifon: What… did… you… do?

BWT: …Nothing.

The captain of Squad Two promptly rushes to the door and flings it open to find her entire barracks covered in multi-colored rabbits! That's right! We dyed their fur to color-coordinate with the squads!

Soifon: What are all of these things doing here?

BWT: They're the Black Bunnies of Squad Two of Doom!

Soifon: I'd kill you, but I have to take care of these [censor] rabbits first! _Shunko!_

BWT: That poor bunny. On to Squad One!

Meanwhile, far away in the World of the Living…

Ichigo Kurosaki: Rukia? Is something wrong?

Rukia Kuchiki: I-I don't know.

IK: Is it a hallow?

RK: No. But I must return to the Soul Society at once!

IK: Wait! What?

Back at Squad One…

BWT: YooHoo, Mr. Yam!

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: That is not my name. That is a potato.

BWT: Whatever Mr. Senile! We brought you a gift!

GSY: …Really?

BWT: …Really.

GSY: …What is it?

BWT: …It's outside.

GSY: …Let's go.

BWT: Okay!

With that we moved outside to witness the greatest calamity the Seireitei has ever faced! Worse than that horrible plot from Memories of Nobody and Bount arc combined!

GSY: Are those… rabbits?

BWT: No, of course not! They're White Bunnies of Squad One of Doom!

GSY: …What have you done?

BWT: Oh hahaha, you know how it is!

At this point Old Man Yama falls over, and his lieutenant rushes over in a panic while screaming at the guards to escort us out! Next we headed to Squad Three!

BWT: Hey Lieutenant Kira! We've filled your squad barracks with red bunnies! They're the same color as Gin's eyes!

Izuru Kira: I know.

BWT: Also we filled your toilet with—wait, what?

Izuru then holds up a bunny, which looked slightly scarred for life.

BWT: What did you do to it?

IK: I tried to send it to Hueco Mundo as a gift.

BWT: Wait, does that mean that—?

Momo Hinamori: Yes, yes it does.

BWT: Those poor Brown Bunnies of Squad Five of Doom.

Meanwhile at Squad Four…

Retsu Unohana: These rabbits are going into shock! Where did they come from?

Isane Kotetsu: The purple ones are from Squad Twelve; those lavender ones have been here since I woke up!

RU: What's the difference between lavender and purple?

IK: I'm not really sure!

To Squad Six!

Byakuya Kuchiki: Renji?

Renji Abarai: Yes, Captain?

BK: Why are there pink rabbits everywhere?

RA: Ah, I'm not sure sir.

Shunsui Kyoraku: Oh, sorry about that Byakuya. Those pink ones are mine; the red ones are yours.

BK: Do you find nothing wrong with this situation?

SK: Not really, no. Why?

BK: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Back with the BWT crew…

BWT: We're going to Squad Seven, we're going to Squad Seven!

Tetsuzaemon Iba: You people! Why are there blue rabbits here?

BWT: Well, see—Oh our goodness! Is Komamura eating that one?

TI: Captain! Spit that out!

Sajin Komamura looks at us with a full mouth.

SK: Mrgf?

TI: …!

BWT: These poor bunnies are really getting abused! To Squad Nine!

We enter Squad Nine to find Shuhei Hisagi and a good majority of the bunnies we left passed out on the floor!

BWT: What happened here?

Shuhei Hisagi: Them rabbits can _drink_.

BWT: You gave the rabbits alcohol?

SH: Hey! Don't make me sound like a bad guy! _They _started it!

Orange Rabbit: _Squeak squeak, [censor]!_

BWT: We think that rabbit just cussed you out!

SH: Ah shuddup!

Next we skipped off to Squad Ten!

Rangiku Matsumoto: Aw! Aren't they adorable captain? Look! They're the same color as your eyes!

BWT: Aren't the Teal Rabbits of Squad Ten of Doom wonderful?

RM: I'll say!

Toshiro Hitsugaya then arrives, drawing his zanpakuto.

TH: Unless you want to be rabbit-cicles, I suggest you leave my barracks now. And if I find _any_ messes, I'll hunt you down!

Teal Rabbits: _…!_ _Squeak!_

Suddenly all of the rabbits rushed away, looking rather frightened, and we headed out with them to check on Squad Eleven.

Kenpachi Zaraki: Whoever brings me the most yellow rabbit pelts gets tomorrow off!

Squad Eleven: Yes, Sir!

BWT: Today we honor the deaths of…!

Finally we headed to Squad Thirteen!

Jushiro Ukitake: Well, I don't really have a problem with them here. Although it is a bit odd that they're gold.

Rukia Kuchiki: RABBITS!

JU: What the [censor]?

RK: Mine! All mine!

BWT: This is… not surprising at all!

JU: Someone restrain her! She has mad rabbit disease!

BWT: We never knew she could breath fire like that!

Random Squad Member: Agh! My arm!

BWT: That's going to hurt in the morning!

As we watched Rukia single-handedly destroy the entire Seireitei over multi-colored bunnies, we couldn't help but wonder one thing. Does this mean there'll be rainbow colored bunnies some day?

**A/N: **_Thanks to MyMusesSpeakToMe for the idea. Oh, and I just saw DiamondDust Rebellion this weekend; how amazing is that movie? Especially compared with the first one!_


	18. Free Time

**BLEACH WEEKLY TABLOID: Free Time**

Greetings! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid reminding you that corpses have feelings too!

This week BWT asks the simple question of what do _you _do in your free time. Oh the answers we received! Naturally to lead things off we headed to Squad…

Thirteen!

BWT: Hey Squad Thirteen what do you guys do in your free time?

Sentaro Kotsubaki: Take care of Captain Ukitake.

BWT: Isn't that what you do normally?

Kiyone Kotetsu: Oh yeah? I take care of him in my free time _and_ during my lunch break!

BWT: This is about to turn lengthy and predictable!

SK: Well _I_ take care of him during my free time, lunch break _and_ while I'm asleep!

KK: That's not physically possible, idiot!

SK: Your chances with Captain Ukitake aren't physically possible!

KK: How dare you insult Captain Ukitake and I like that? At least it's not creepy for me to wait on him hand and foot, but you—_you—_are a guy!

SK: So? There've been plenty of great male servants!

KK: Oh, sure, pervert.

SK: Hey! I heard that! Tomboy!

KK: Stinky breath!

SK: Midget!

Rukia Kuchiki: What did you call me, Ichigo?

SK: Hu?

Rukia then roundhouse kicks Sentaro into the nearest wall! Well, _through_ the nearest wall.

KK: I think I heard Captain Ukitake calling—over there!

BWT: Well Rukia, since you're here… What do you do in _your_ free time?

RK: Oh, I read these wonderful books!

Miss Kuchiki then proceeds to dump fifty or so random, cheesy horror mangas on the floor.

BWT: "The Scary Monster That Is Very Scary"… Okay then!

RK: They're very wonderful stories, not to mention really scary too!

BWT: Oh… k?

RK: Of course, anything that Brother gives me is amazing.

BWT: Wait, what?

RK: Byakuya is the one who loaned me all of these in the first place—he used them to improve his amazing art skills!

BWT: We're not sure how to respond to that!

RK: You should ask him about his secret Shojo collections—oops!

BWT: Oops? Wait… Shojo? As in little girl manga?

RK: Wait! Don't tell anyone about that—I'll pay you in bunnies!

BWT: That sounds desperate coming from you!

RK: Just don't tell anyone I told you!

BWT: Well… we won't—!

RK: _Phew._

BWT: If you give us a tour of his collection!

RK: _What?_

BWT: We'll pay you in strawberries!

RK: …

Ichigo Kurosaki: When'd I get here?

BWT: …When did you get here?

RK: …

BWT: To the Kuchiki Manor!

RK: Wait, no! My brother promised to kill you next time he saw you!

IK: I'm going to go watch.

RK: You _all_ fail!

BWT: Oh Mr. Kuchiki! Oh Mr. I-Have-Such-A-Pretty-Zanpakuto-And-Nice-Haircut-That-Takes-More-Time-To-Do-In-The-Morning-Than-It's-Worth!

Byakuya Kuchiki: What _now_?

BWT: We heard you have a Shojo collection—we want to see it!

BK: I don't know what you're talking about—.

RK: Sorry, Brother…

BK: _Sigh._ This way.

BWT: You keep a lovely home Mr. Kuchiki.

BK: Shut up. And when did Kurosaki get here? _How_ did Kurosaki get here?

IK: I don't know, actually.

BWT: None of us do!

BK: Here we are.

BWT: …!

In a dark chamber, deep inside the Kuchiki mansion there is a room. A dark, cool room, filled to the brim with colorful… Shojo manga.

BK: Touch anything and you're dead—.

BWT: Oh! Look at this one!

BK: Be careful, you'll mess up the covers.

BWT: Hey look! Cardcaptor Sakura!

BK: Be care—!

_Riiip. _

BWT: Uh-oh.

BK: Scatter, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi.

BWT: We'll just be going now!

Later at Squad Seven…

We walked in to find a very familiar dog-like captain chasing his… tail?

BWT: Well, I guess that explains what Captain Komamura does during his free time.

**A/N: **_Short, sweet, and look for the Christmas Special out Sunday!_


	19. XMass Special

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Christmas Special**

The crew would like to remind you that you are _not_ imposing your own views on someone when you wish them a 'Merry Christmas'.

Cops suddenly flood into the Tabloid Headquarters.

Cop One: Stop them! They're trying to promote their religion!

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: No we're not! It's humor! All humor, we swear!

Cop Two: Quick! Beat the Christmas spirit out of them!

BWT: No! The pain! The horrible pain!

After that ugly little encounter we made our way to the Seireitei to once again wreak havoc in the only way we know how!

BWT: Merry Christmas!

Toshiro Hitsugaya: I'm actually in a good mood for once—please don't ruin it.

Rangiku Matsumoto: Yeah, I don't have to do any paperwork because he's in such a good mood!

TH: I'm in such a good mood I wont even bother pointing out how totally untrue that is!

Momo Hinamori: He's in such a good mood he let me kiss him!

TH: I did wh—?

Suddenly Momo grabs her Little Shiro and plants a kiss on his shocked lips.

BWT: Aw young love. (That was my Christmas present, now on to yours!)

To kick things off we headed to the world of the living.

BWT: Ah, something smells good in here!

Ichigo Kurosaki: What the [censor] are you doing in my house?

BWT: Eating gingerbread cookies of course!

IK: Get out!

Yuzu Kurosaki: Aw, brother! Don't be mean to them!

BWT: Yeah, Ichigo, don't be a jerk!

Rukia Kuchiki: Really, Ichigo, what's wrong with you?

Isshin Kurosaki: Indeed, what's wrong with my first-born and only child?

IchiK: You have two daughters, idiot!

IsshK: Don't spew your lies at me demon! Take this!

Doctor (Captain) Kurosaki then executes a perfect roundhouse kick only to be punched in the face by Ichigo mid-spin. He then limp/crawls over to the Masaki poster, which was currently adorned with a festive red hat!

IsshK: Oh Mother! Our son is going through his rebellious stage!

IchiK: Shut up already!

Karin Kurosaki: Forget this, I'd rather go mope in a dumpster for Christmas!

BWT: No! Don't say _that word_ or bad things will happen to us!

KK: What? Do you mean Chris—?

Out of nowhere multiple SWAT members smash through the roof and carry Karin away.

IsshK: Thank goodness one of those insane stalkers was finally taken away!

IchiK: That was your daughter, moron!

BWT: I agree Doctor Kurosaki.

IchiK: You shut up!

BWT: We'll just be going to Orihime's house now!

Later at the apartment of one Inoue…

BWT: What smells so…

Orihime Inoue: Good? Wonderful? Super fantastic yummy?

BWT: We were thinking puke-worthy, but that works too!

Uryu Ishida: Orihime? Who's in the kitchen with—?

The Quincy stopped short and gaped at us. We gaped back, because it would be rude not to. Honestly though—a scandal on Christmas Eve? Wait! No! We mean Holiday Eve!

BWT: So…

UI: What?

BWT: How long have you been living with Orihime? And do you realize how many people you share her with—?

UI: Get out of this house _before_ I decide to shoot you.

BWT: So you know about her Ichigo fantasies?

With arrows zooming past our heads, we decided it would be a good time to head to Hueco Mundo.

BWT: Ah, Hueco Mundo. The fresh, dead air, and loving undead hollows. We missed this place!

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: What are you doing here?

BWT: Visiting for Holidays!

Kaname Tosen: Don't you mean C—?

Randomly, several FBI agents burst through the walls, arrested Tosen, cut off his arm, lit it on fire, strapped a bomb to it, and yelled "JUSTICE" as it blew up! They then carried him off to some place that we will not describe at this time!

Sosuke Aizen: Did they just carry away one of my subordinates?

BWT: Yes. Yes they did!

SA: Okay then.

Gin Ichimaru: What's going on out here?

SA: Those people came back.

GI: I thought we installed a defense system specially designed to keep them out…?

SA: They got pass it.

GI: … That's almost creepier than I am.

BWT: Almost but not quite!

GI: This might be the best time to ask for Holiday off.

SA: I don't know…

BWT: Aw, don't be a scrooge!

SA: Fine. Go do whatever you want. You always do anyways. Leave me here… alone… by myself…

BWT: Wow, we didn't think Aizen could be so depressing! At least this means we get to skip Izuru!

Izuru Kira: Hey! I wanted to be in this issue!

BWT: What are you doing in Hueco Mundo?

IK: Nothing! Not conspiring against the Soul Society if that's what you're thinking, because I'm not!

BWT: That was oddly defensive!

GI: …As I was saying, I'll just be going now.

BWT: Have fun! And take this cookie!

GI: … I like cookies.

BWT: And you're still creepy!

Uliquiorra Cifer: What's going on out here?

BWT: _Giggle._

UC: Why are you laughing in that girlish manner?

BWT: You're standing under mistletoe—Grimmjow's mistletoe.

GJ: What?

BWT: Kissy-kissy! Come on, we need to make the yaoi fan girls happy!

UC: I don't think so.

GJ: Who put that above my door?

At this time we'd like to remind you that you should not put mistletoe over Grimmjow's bedroom door.

BWT: We'll just be going now!

GJ: Get back here! I'll kill you! And Ichigo! And Aizen because I don't like him and hate his guts but follow him anyway! And Tosen! And Ichimaru because he's a creeper! And that random guy down the hall!

Random Guy Down the Hall: Oh come on! Where's your Holiday spirit?

With the temporary distraction we were able to escape Hueco Mundo and make our way to the Soul Society!

To Squad (pulls a random number out of hat) Ten!

BWT: Wait, weren't we here earlier?

To Squad Twelve!

BWT: Hello Crazies!

Mayuri Kurotsuchi: What are you people doing here?

BWT: Spreading the Holiday Spirit!

MK: Bah-humbug!

BWT: Aw, do you need a hug?

MK: No!

Nemu Kurotsuchi: It is unwise to disturb Master at this time. He always gets cranky this time of the year.

BWT: Is that so?

MK: Yes! Now get out of my laboratory!

BWT: Never! Come with us, and we will show you the True Meaning of Holiday!

MK: No! Get your filthy hands off of me! Nemu! Do something!

NK: I-I can't! My programming doesn't tell me how to deal with this situation!

MK: Curse unpredictable incidents! Access code number—!

We promptly clonked Crazy Man over the head with a lead pipe we found laying around so that he wouldn't strain himself. Nemu waved tearfully as we dragged him away.

BWT: Wake up or we'll make Nel spit on you!

MK: [Censor] no!

BWT: Glad you're awake! You see this is the true meaning of Holiday!

MK: Kisuke and Yoruichi making out?

BWT: What? Oh, no, they do that all the time! _That's _the Real True Meaning. Random Capitalization!

There, sitting in the middle of the Seireitei was a giant Holiday Tree, where Soul Reapers were gathering around it. Byakuya was crying on Rukia's shoulder, and she was winking at Ichigo who once again found his way to the Soul Society!

IK: How do I keep getting here?

Shunsui and Jushiro were sharing drinks with Matsumoto and Shuhei, while Kenpachi was laying down his zanpakuto. Instead of fighting, as he typically does when mass amounts of people/Ichigo are gathered, he begins to sing—in a surprisingly high pitch voice. Squad Eleven joins in, Yumichika and Ikkaku hand-in-hand, and soon enough other Soul Reapers chip in and the entire Seireitei is singing in-tune.

Yes. Even Byakuya.

In other news, totally unrelated, a gas leak was later discovered in the Seireitei. It turns out that the Sekkiseki barrier doesn't only repel spirit energy, but it's also efficient at trapping gases!

**A/N: **_Merry Christmas everyone! See you next Sunday! _


	20. Crack Pairings

**A/N: **_Busy, busy. Sorry for the delay. Thanks to the Layman for the kick start! _

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Crack Pairings**

Hello and welcome to another exciting edition of BWT! This week we actually did some research for our article to uncover the best crack pairings of all time! Naturally we never _intend_ to mock anyone and their "otp," but _should_ we insult you, please take it up with our lawyers!

Oh yes, and we'd like to warn you that putting Aizen in a dress in any way, shape, or form could potentially end the world!

The first 'couple' of the day will be… Ichigo and his Inner Hollow! Or Hichigo or Ogihci Shirosaki or whatever else you crazy fans think up. For now, we will call him…

Bob.

We met up with them in Ichigo's mind!

Ichigo Kurosaki: At least I'm safe inside my mind.

BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: At least we're safe inside your mind.

IK: [Censor]!

BWT: Greetings! We want an interview with you and your hollow—now known as Bob!

Bob: We'd love to—isn't that right Ichigo, sweetie?

IK: Don't call me that! You're such a creeper!

BWT: Considering the fact that he's a part of your unconscious wouldn't that make _you_ a creeper?

IK: …

Bob: He's got you there, king.

BWT: Anyways, what's it like knowing that people pair you with yourself?

IK: Isn't this breaking the fourth wall?

BWT: Isn't this entire tabloid breaking the fifth wall?

Bob: I didn't even realize there was a fifth wall…

IK: Me either…

Bob: Oh, Ichigo! We're so alike!

Bob then proceeds to jump into Ichigo's arms, who then collapses under the sudden weight. Zangetsu then shows up for no really apparent reason until…

Zangetsu: At least they don't pair zanpakutos. Wouldn't that be rather strange?

BWT: Great, way to go, Zangetsu. You just gave a bunch of nutcases access to an idea they'll latch on to and never give up… Oh well!

Zangetsu: I hate myself a little more everyday…

Then we left those three to wallow in self-pity and identity crises, and went off in search of our next pairing: Toshiro Hitsugaya and Karin Kurosaki! We found them at Ichigo's place playing soccer—the only thing they have in common!

BWT: Hello people!

Toshiro Hitsugaya: [Censor], I was hoping they wouldn't find me here, since it makes no logical sense!

BWT: That was rather robotic and pre-scripted sounding!

Karin Kurosaki: Could you just get this over with? I have a game to play after lunch.

BWT: Okay, so how does it feel knowing you were utterly thrust into the world of Soul Reapers because of one filler in which Hitsugaya slew a hollow as he was expected to and also helped you win a soccer game?

KK: That was a horrible run-on sentence.

BWT: Just answer the question!

KK: I don't know, it was just a soccer game—I mean Chad saved me from a hollow while I was playing soccer too, and you don't see stories where—.

Chad: Hi guys. Am I late for the interview?

KK: That's sick! He's as old as my brother!

TH: Hey! What about me, I'm hundreds of times your age!

BWT: No! Don't point that out or we'll have to count Ichigo and Rukia as a crack pairing!

Rukia Kuchiki: Excuse me?

BWT: Oh great, now you've gone and done it!

TH: You're the one who's yelling!

BWT: Now, now, Toshiro, you're the only one yelling here.

TH: …

BWT: That's better! On to the next couple!

And so we skipped off, leaving a very confused couple of Soul Reapers and humans!

Our next set of couples took us to the distant land of Hueco Mundo where we met up with Aizen to discuss the complex web of pairings, both crack and explainable, surrounding him!

BWT: So Aizen, what's it like knowing that every single BLEACH character in existence has been paired with you at one point or another? Everyone from Ichigo and Toshiro down to Momo and Gin!

Sosuke Aizen: Well, I'm rather disturbed by it frankly.

BWT: Wow, you have a creepy smile!

SA: I learned from the best.

Gin Ichimaru: …Hehe…

BWT: That's really creepy!

SA: Indeed it is. Now how about some of those other pairings?

BWT: Alright well there's Aizen and… Jushiro Ukitake!

JU: But, Aizen is the mortal enemy of the Seireitei—do I even talk to him?

BWT: Shunsui Kyoraku!

SK: Aizen who? I love my Nanao!

_Thwack!_

BWT: Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto!

GSY: I'm old, senile, and don't know who this man is!

JU: Master Yamamoto, this man betrayed the Seireitei—he used to be a captain of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads!

GSY: What? This man must be executed! And that reminds me—where'd that Kuchiki child go?

BWT: Rukia Kuchiki!

RK: …Well he's the reason I escaped death… sort of… in a vague way.

BWT: Renji Abarai!

RA: What? That's sick!

Random Fan Girl: Totally! Besides, you belong with Ichigo.

RA: _What?_

BWT: Kaname Tosen!

SA: Why am I paired with so many males?

KT: Justice.

SA: …I do not find your humor humorous.

BWT: Orihime Inoue!

OI: No! Please, no more! I like Ichigo!

BWT: Which reminds us of the greatest crack pairing of all time! Ichigo and Orihime!

IK: Stop twisting this manga for your own sick needs!

BWT: It's a crack pairing because we said so!

OI: But I've already confessed my love for him!

BWT: That just makes you a stalker until he says it back!

IK: Fine! Orihime I—!

BWT: Oh, my! Look at that, Ichigo has suddenly fell unconscious!

OI: You just hit him over the head with that giant club—!

BWT: And there goes Orihime! My, my, we better get going before the same fate befalls us. Look for our special edition 20th anniversary issue sometime in the future! And remember, if you don't like any of the canon pairings just make up your own!


	21. Rap, Yo

**BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Rap, Yo**

Hooray! It's the twentieth edition of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! In honor of that (and one hundred reviews, because we like to roll things together like sushi!) we're throwing a party! Although we must warn you—CDs should _not_ be used in combat!

Toshiro Hitsugaya: Wait! We all thought you were retiring after that last issue!

BWT: What? No, of course not! We won't be retiring for a long, long, long, long, long—

Mayuri Kurotsuchi: No! Curse my fate!

Momo Hinamori: Someone kill me now!

Byakuya Kuchiki: I wonder how much hiring the Royal Guard would cost per week…

BWT: —long, long, long, _long_ time!

With what some may call an evil glint in our eyes we headed out to find out what inspires the good people of the Bleach world—wait are we supposed to not use the name of the manga in the tabloid? Uh-oh, there goes the fifth wall again…

Moving on!

After a long abscene we've had a revelation! Everyone loves music!

And everyone has a secret favorite music!

Byakuya Kuchiki was walking around the perimeter of squad six, minding his own business, when suddenly a strange sound came over the loud speakers.

_Cut my life into pieces… this is my last resort…_

BK: What by Yamamoto's beard is that?

Suddenly Hallow Ichi—er Bob—comes out of nowhere and starts trying to kill Byakuya! We grab the popcorn!

Bob: Die! Die! Die!

BK: What the [censor] is wrong with you Kurosaki. I don't care who likes you, I will end you!

Bob suddenly pauses.

_No suffocation… no breathing… don't give a—_

Bob: Really? "End you?" That's so… lame.

BK: What? I—.

Bob: You used to be cool man. You used to be cool.

BK: What the [censor]?

Bob: I remember when we had an epic battle, but now you're just boring.

Bob begins sniffling a bit, tears leaking from the corners of his—wait do hollows have eyes? Do they even have tear ducts?

We sure as [censor] don't know.

Bob: I'm going to go fight some cool espada!

With that Bob runs off crying…

_Nothing's all… right!_

…And we followed him to Heuco Mundo where the Soul Reapers and Espada were currently engaged in life or death battles. We thought it would be a good time to interrupt!

BWT: Hey guys, we're back!

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Oh [censor].

Ichigo Kurosaki: I thought you guys died or something. You haven't tortured any of us in, like, weeks.

BWT: More like months!

IK: That's not something to be proud of!

BWT: Yeah so anyways, what music do you listen to?

IK: What?

BWT: Music.

IK: …

BWT: As punishment we're doing a special on you!

IK: Wait what the [censor]?

BWT: It'll be called Everybody Loves Ichigo and this is called blatant, shameless advertisement! Yeah!

IK: What the [censor]?

GJ: Would both of you shut the [censor] up?

IK: They won't go away until we tell them what music we like.

BWT: Someone's catching on!

IK: Shut up!

GJ: Well, I of course, like manly music. Manly music that's very manly.

BWT: Such as…

Grimmjow looked around nervously, he appeared to be sweating a bit!

GJ: You know like… uh…

Orihime Inoue: I'll tell you what my favorite music is!

BWT: Yay!

Uliquiorra Cifer: Hey useless people have you seen—? How the [censor] did you get out again?

OI: Oh hi Uliquiorra!

BWT: It's a pairing!

IK: Shut up!

BWT: Also a pairing!

GJ: Stop encouraging them!

BWT: Also a pairing!

IK: Would you—!

BWT: It's okay; we're doing a special on it later! Now Orihime what kind of music do you like?

OI: Allow me to sing you a verse! Ahem…

BWT: Where are our earplugs?

OI: Kill your enemies! My brothers dead around me! Wounds are hurting! Death is creeping for me!

BWT: …

IK: …

GJ: …

UC: …

OI: Scream, aim, fire! Scream, aim, fire! Over the top, over the top! Right now it's killing time! Over the top, over the top! Right now it's killing time!

BWT: We're really not sure what to say.

IK: Orihime do you really like that kind of music?

OI: My tastes have changed since I've been hanging out with Uliquiorra!

UC: Don't look at me; I don't listen to that [censor].

GJ: Whatever dude, I hear that stuff coming from your room all the time.

UC: Better than the ballerina music from yours.

BWT: Oh is that so…

GJ: No! I do _not_! I've never—why I!

IK: That would explain why you fought me with ballerina moves in our fight. They were, uh, well practiced.

GJ: I do _not_!

Grimmjow then runs away sobbing something about the mean kids and Uliquiorra drags Orihime away. Well no more fun in Hueco Mundo—back to the Soul Society we go!

More specifically… back to Byakuya!

BK: Oh. It's you. Again.

BWT: We love you too!

BK: What do you want?

BWT: We want to know what kind of music you like!

BK: No.

BWT: But—!

BK: No.

BWT: We—!

BK: No.

BWT: Hey Byakuya!

BK: What?

BWT: Knife.

BK: What the [censor]?

Tetsuzaemon Iba suddenly comes out of nowhere intent on stabbing Byakuya. Of course the steely captain just ignores him and Iba misses like the failure he has. What a shame for his first appearance in the tabloid to be such an epic fail!

BWT: Why does everyone keep trying to kill you today?

BK: I suspect you have something to do with it.

BWT: What why we never—yeah we do.

Giggling like mad we make our way to our favorite squad (not that we play favorites), Squad Ten! Infiltrating his room we found the runt captain doing paperwork, of course!

BWT: Hey Toshiro do you have a theme song?

TH: Shut up! They'll hear you!

BWT: Who?

TH: The… fan girls.

Suddenly a sound started to filter into the room.

TH: Great. Now they're playing it.

BWT: Playing what?

TH: …My theme song.

_It's getting hot in here…_

BWT: That doesn't make any sense!

_So take off all your clothes!_

BWT: Oooooh!

TH: Kill me now.

Since Toshiro—!

TH: That's Captain Hitsugaya! For crying out loud someone please just show me some respect!

Uh, since… Toshiro's fan girls have no taste in music we decided to end the issue in Ichigo's bedroom! That'll get the fan girl's really riled up!

BWT: Hey there!

IK: Holy [censor]! How'd you get in my room?

BWT: We'll ask the questions here.

IK: Whatever. What'll take to get you to leave?

BWT: What's your favorite music?

Ichigo looked nervously at a stereo system in the corner. We made a dash for it to find it had a song paused, just waiting for us to push the play button!

IK: Wait! Please before you press that button just answer me one thing!

BWT: Hmm… Ichigo begging? We're interested! So are the fan girls!

IK: Why are you continuing this madness?

BWT: Madness? No this is an overused joke!

IK: [Censor].

Hitting the play button joyously, we here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid end this week's edition with a great thank you and hopes for lots more chapters to come!

* * *

**A/N: **_So if this thing gets a couple of reviews I'll start writing it again. The hiatus was for no reason other than I lost time and then lost track of the series, but I'm catching up on episodes now! Easter special tomorrow with enough reviews for this one, and a special some time after that. Have a good one!_


	22. Easter Chicken

**Easter BUNNY**

What a beautiful day! The clouds are glaring and puking rain, the birds are sodden, and the Easter Bunny marches on!

Rukia Kuchiki: Bunny?

BWT: Uhm, maybe?

RK: Give me the rabbit!

At this point the young Kuchiki starts foaming at the mouth.

BWT: Did we say bunny? We meant chicken. The Easter chicken!

Of course at this the cops burst into the room!

Cop One: They're promoting their religion again! Quick, murder them for the good of the world!

BWT: Ahhh!

Ichigo Kurosaki: Why are you all in my room?

Fleeing the scene of Ichigo's room we head to our favorite place in the whole wide world—Uryu's house!

Uryu Ishida: Who the [censor] are you people?

BWT: It really just never gets old!

IK: Hey Uryu.

UI: Kurosaki what are you doing here?

IK: I was bored.

UI: …

IK: That reminds me though. Where's Rukia?

Meanwhile, back at Squad Six…

RK: I. Want. Bunny!

Byakuya Kuchiki: Renji, fetch her a bunny.

Renji Abarai: Where the [censor] am I supposed to find a bunny? Hey! Wait! Where are you going Captain?

BK: Not my problem and I'm going to go take a bath. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't follow me this time.

RA: I never follow you to the bath!

BK: Of course not.

RA: I don't!

RK: Bunny!

Back with the crew…

BWT: Who cares!

UI: So why are you here?

BWT: We want chocolate—er, chickens!

UI: Why not chocolate bun—?

BWT and IK: Don't say that word!

UI: Uh, okay. Well I don't have any candy. That's juvenile.

Yachiru Kusajishi: Did someone say candy!

UI: Ahh! How'd you get in my house?

YK: Kenny!

IK: Oh [censor] no.

Kenpachi Zaraki: That's right [censor]! By the way Ishida, you may want to patch that hole in your wall.

Everyone in the room then turned to look at said Kenny-sized hole in said crumbling wall.

UI: My wall!

KZ: Get over it you baby! Now fight me Ichigo!

IK: I just remembered I have to go do something, uh, over there. Bye!

With that Ichigo and Kenny took off creating a new hole in another wall. Matching holes are stylish!

UI: …

BWT: Now that that's over—chocolate!

UI: I told you I don't have any—!

Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck: Itsigo!

BWT: Hey look, that person finally appeared in the tabloid! Yay fan points!

YK: Nel!

Nel: Chiru!

Both: Yay!

BWT: You two know each other?

YK: We went trick-or-treating together the year before last!

BWT: Awesome!

Nel: Where's Itsigo?

BWT: Who cares!

YK: Candy!

RK: Bunny!

BWT: When'd you get here?

RK: I figured my best chance at finding rabbits was with you people.

BWT: Wise choice! To the Serietei!

All: Yay!

We arrived on scene at Squad One's headquarters where Old Man Yama was bathing—it's bubble time in the Soul Society!

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto: What the [censor] are you people doing in my tub—wait, Ms. Kuchiki?

BWT: Hey watch the language there are children present!

GSY: Just tell me what you want!

BWT: Chocolate!

RK: Ahem.

BWT: And bunnies!

GSY: Well I heard that Squad, uh, Three was celebrating. Yes, Squad Three. Go kill Lieutenant Kira.

BWT: Okay bye then!

With that we skip happily along to Squad Three where we found not only Kira, but Gin Ichimaru as well!

BWT: Hi emo! Hi creepy!

Izuru Kira: Oh hi.

BWT: …What happened to your emo?

IK: Oh, well, we're in the middle of a filler arc so everyone's out of character.

Gin Ichimaru: Which is why I'm here. Aizen is actually having dinner with Yamamoto later.

BWT: Why?

GI: We don't like to talk about it.

BWT: Uh…

RK: Ahem. Excuse me but are we forgetting something important? Like bunnies maybe?

Nel and YK: Chocolate!

GI: Oh why we have bunnies and chocolate!

BWT: Really? We're confused and slightly frightened!

GI: Of course, just step into my van!

Nel and YK: Yay! Candy!

BWT: We think this is a bad idea!

We all scramble into the van only to find no candy or bunnies. We did find an interesting videotape though—which we copied and sent out with this issue! Enjoy!

Having fled the ever-creepy Squad Three, we made our way to… actually we're not sure where to go!

RK: What a bust. No bunnies.

BWT: No chickens.

Nel: No chocolate.

YK: No candy.

BWT: …

RK: …

Nel: …

YK: …

BWT: Just kidding!

Suddenly a herd of rabbits and chickens manifested on the horizon, chasing a rather frightened looking black cat!

Kisuke Urahara: Yoruichi, my love! No!

The cat was promptly trampled by the ravenous monsters.

Nel: But what about the candy?

BWT: Oh we had that in this bad all along!

RK: OMGBUNNYZL0L!KTHNXBYE!one!1!

With that… uh, statement… Rukia started chasing after the rabid rabbits!

YK: Yay! Candy!

Nel: Chocolate Itsigos!

BWT: Speaking of Itsigo, look it's Ichigo!

Sure enough over the horizon came Ichigo, with Kenpachi still hot on his heels!

Nel: Itsigo!

Nel then launched herself at the unsuspecting Ichigo, causing him to fly backwards, crash into Kenpachi, and then send the entire group hurtling off into the distance.

BWT: Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again—and another successful tabloid issue complete!

As we smiled brilliantly into the rising sunrise (boy, that sure was repetitive!) we realized something…

BWT: Wait a minute! Where'd Yachiru go?

* * *

**A/N: **_Gasp! To be continued? Till next time!_


	23. Everybody Loves Ichigo

**Everybody Loves Ichigo**

Welcome to another action-packed issue of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid where bishounen characters get their daily cardio from fangirls every day! At this time we'd like to remind you that just because it makes sense doesn't mean it has to make sense, makes sense right?

To kick things off we made our way to our fifth favorite room according to recent popularity polls! Speaking of which Kiba Wolf has a poll running that pertains to us! So go vote! We love to shamelessly promote ourselves! Back to the story!

BWT: Hi Ichigo!

Ichigo Kurosaki: Why are you in my room—again?

BWT: Silly Ichigo we told you we'd be back!

IK: I thought you were just trying to give me nightmares.

BWT: Ha ha ha! By the way, we have good news!

IK: I got the lead role in BLEACH?

BWT: Nope! They said you sucked!

IK: …

BWT: The real good news is that it's time for what we like to call Crack Pairings 2.0h!

IK: What?

BWT: Oh you remember that time we pointed out all the crack pairings…

IK: Not really…

BWT: We paired you with Bob?

IK: Who the [censor] is Bob?

BWT: We're hurt Ichigo. You don't even remember our Golden Day Issues!

IK: You have no Golden Day Issues!

BWT: Oh woe is our hearts!

IK: You have no heart!

BWT: Correction, we have no soul!

IK: That's not something to be proud of! Hey get back here! I'm not done talking to you!

Leaving the crazy orange-head to talk to himself we made our way towards Hueco Mundo, but not before we noticed something curious!

BWT: Hey look at this list of fan fiction!

Bob: Let me see!

BWT: When did you get here!

Bob: Ichigo was boring me with his blah, blah, stopped caring.

BWT: Okay!

Bob: So what's on the list?

BWT: Not to break the fourth wall but—!

Bob: You love to break the fourth wall though!

BWT: What are you Ichigo?

Bob: …No.

BWT: Good so look at this list!

Bob: What's so interesting about it?

BWT: Look at all of the Rukia and Toshiro stories!

Bob: So?

BWT: We want to know when they became a popular pairing!

Bob: Why?

BWT: Because it's out job!

Bob: You actually have a job?

BWT: Yes!

Bob: That's, well, surprising honestly.

BWT: Someone's being Mr. Negative Pants!

Bob: Am not!

BWT: Whatever, let's go find Ichigo a girlfriend!

Bob: Okay!

BWT: Hey Grimmjow—!

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: You mentioned me last time.

Bob: Maybe you should go over the list again, since no one seems to remember.

BWT: Maybe we should go over the list again, since no one seems to remember!

Bob: …

BWT: Last time on crack pairings we put Ichigo with Bob (formerly known as Hallow Ichigo), Rukia (formerly known as White Moon), Aizen (formerly known as Captain Aizen), Renji (formerly known as Red Pineapple), and last and also least, Orihime (formerly known as Orihime!)!

Bob: How are you _talking _in parentheses?

GJ: That aside, I thought Ichigo and Orihime _are _canon.

BWT: We noticed you weren't actually on the list, but it sounds like you would like to be!

GJ: No! Wait, I take it back!

BWT: Too late!

GJ: [Censor]

Bob: Good news, I found Ichigo!

IK: Let go of me you creep! And how did you get outside of my head?

Orihime Inoue: Wait! Stop this madness!

BWT: Madness? No. This. Is. An. Over-used joke!

Bob: …Really? Did we have to do that?

BWT: Yes!

OI: Excuse me? Being dramatic here?

BWT: Fine!

OI: I've come to warn you! Stop pairing everyone with Ichigo! He is mine and—Hey where are you going?

BWT and Bob: Blah, blah, stopped caring.

Uliquiorra Cifer: What are you people doing here?

BWT: Hey Uliquiorra! Do you want to be Ichigo's girlfriend?

UC: I'm a male.

BWT: Of course you are!

UC: I hate you.

BWT: But not as much as you hate yourself!

UC: …Touché.

BWT: Where's Gin?

Bob: Over there.

BWT: That's convinent!

Bob: He's been following us for, like, twenty minutes now.

IK: Hey you two! Stop a minute!

BWT: What now Orange-y?

IK: First of all, you! Back in my head now!

With this Bob was promptly sucked back into Ichigo's head! Poor Bob. Oh well!

BWT: Okay then we're going!

IK: Wait a minute! You can't do this issue without me!

BWT: Someone's trying to hog the limelight!

IK: I'm the main character!

BWT: Well Sasuke is the main character of Naruto and you don't see him getting all of the screen time!

IK: He is not! Naruto is the main character of Naruto!

BWT: That's not what the fangirls told us!

IK: Well they're wrong.

BWT: Are you calling the fangirls liars?

IK: Yes. Yes I am.

We stepped out of the way as a dozen fangirls bee-lined for an unsuspecting Ichigo, knocking him to the ground and viciously clawing his eyes out!

BWT: Can we help?

Random Fangirl: Sure!

BWT: Yay!

After several hours the fangirls finally tuckered themselves out and left, but we, in turn, were left with a nagging question.

BWT: So what were we doing again?

IK: Does this thing even have a plot?

BWT: What thing?

IK: Your magazine.

BWT: We don't have a magazine.

IK: …

BWT: So Gin, Ichigo needs a girlfriend, interested?

Gin Ichimaru: I would, but there's someone else…

BWT: Kira?

GI: No, I'm over him.

BWT: Isn't everybody?

GI: So true.

BWT: Well we're bored! Bye Hueco Mundo!

GI: Bye strange people!

IK: Hey wait, I'm coming too! I— What the [censor] Tosen? Get out of my way.

The typically stoic and silent, blind, justice-loving, ex-captain shyly handed Ichigo a bag.

IK: Uh, thanks?

Kaname Tosen: It's chocolate for Valentine's Day.

IK: Okay… that's not weird at all.

KT: Jus—t remember to brush your teeth afterwards.

IK: …That's funny; I swear I thought you were going to say—.

KT: Justice.

With that the unpredictable Kaname Tosen dashed off! In the distance we heard Grimmjow scream like a little girl! Now that would be a good crack pairing! We could picture it now… love lost, arms lost.

IK: …

BWT: To the Soul Society! Squad Two first!

Magically arriving at Squad Two we were quick to find Soifon, our most favorite friend from our cat lovers anonymous meetings! Oh wait those are supposed to be anonymous or something…

BWT: Hey there Soifon! Ichigo needs a girlfriend and we were wondering—!

Soifon: You can haveOmaeda.

An ominous noise like crunching chips filled the air as the one known as Omaeda approached!

Marechiyo Omaeda: Someone say my name?

S: You're Ichigo's girlfriend now.

MO: But I'm a guy.

S: So?

MO: A straight guy.

S: …So?

MO: …

BWT: Fangirl logic in action ladies and gentlemen!

IK: Someone please kill me now…

Suddenly the ground started to shake and buildings collapsed all around us, an evil cackle filling the air! What fun could this be?

Kenpachi Zaraki: Did someone say "kill Ichigo?"

BWT: Nope!

KZ: Aw—hey wait there's Ichigo now!

Drawing his sword he rushed at Ichigo laugh madly! Ah, yes, Another pairing!

IK: How are any of the people you've mentioned pairings with me? Where's the evidence?

BWT: Did you miss the fangirl logic lesson earlier?

OI: Please stop pairing Ichigo with everyone! We're the only canon couple in this show aside from Byakuya Kuchiki and his wife and Kaien Shiba and his wife!

BWT: Too many ands and too long of a sentence with too many words with not enough action and too much blah, blah, stopped caring.

All: …What?

Suddenly a pink blur darted out from behind a bush distracting all present! Not a difficult thing to do considering our attention spans! Hey, we just explained filler arcs!

MO: Oh my Yamamoto! Who's that Pokemon?

BWT: It's Yachiru!

Yachiru Kusajishi: Did someone say candy?

To add to the madness and the already too long list of characters currently present, Retsu Unohana appeared with her lieutenant, Isane Kotetsu! We're losing track of all the—!

Soifon: I'm leaving.

IK: Why are you leaving?

Soifon: In order to make reading easier and more understandable.

IK: You do realize that nothing in their magazine is readable or understandable anyways, right?

Soifon: Whatever.

With that Soifon exited along with Omaeda, which was kind of weird considering we were in their squad barracks!

Retsu Unohana: Kenpachi, please stop killing Ichigo for a moment.

Pouting, the steely captain relinquished the frightened looking substitute.

RU: Now then, help us catch your lieutenant!

KZ: I have a lieutenant?

All: …

Yachiru at this point was foaming at the mouth in the corner of the general vicinity! Wait we're outside… are there corners outside? There are now!

KZ: Oh so that's where my pet lemur went!

All: …

BWT: Oh so that's what happened to her after we fed her the caffeine injected candy!

All: You did what?

BWT: We fed her—!

IK: Shut up we heard you the first time!

BWT: But—!

IK: Shut the [censor] up!

BWT: We're pairing you with Yamamoto next week!

IK: …

KZ: Shut up both of you! We need to catch my pet lemur!

IK: I thought this issue was about crack pairings.

BWT: What issue?

IK: I give up.

RU: Okay, Lieutenant… on my mark lunge for her! That never fails!

Isane Kotetsu: Yes, Captain!

RU: One…

Everyone leaned forward slightly!

RU: Two…

They prepared to pounce!

RU: Just kidding!

Everyone promptly face-planted!

RU: Why would we do something so brutish? We're an advance people. We have technology!

BWT: Yay technology!

IK: Why must you speak?

BWT: It feels so empty without us!

IK: How many jokes have you stolen from other sources with this issue?

BWT: Counting the next one or not?

Before Ichigo could answer though, Captain Unohana drew a lethal-looking gun and aimed it at Yachiru!

RU: Say nighty-night Lieutenant Kusajishi!

KZ: No my lemur!

As Unohana fired the gun, Kenpachi dove in front of the bullet path, blocking the dart she had fired with his chest! What a manly man!

Isane K: Oh my.

RU: Oh my indeed. What a well-muscled chest he has.

BWT: Hey wait! This is supposed to be Ichigo's crack pairing issue!

IK: …Did I not just [censor] say that?

Isane K: Captain, what should we do? The lemur escaped and Captain Zaraki is unconscious!

IK: What did you shoot him with anyways?

RU: Enough knockout drugs to keep an over-sized elephant asleep for a week!

Isane K: So he'll be up in a few hours.

IK: Plenty of time to hide.

RU: Well then I'll be taking Kenpachi back to my room for observation. Farewell!

With that the greatest doctor who ever lived skipped away, merrily dragging the unconscious captain of Squad Eleven with her!

Isane K: I need to… Uh, go do something somewhere else!

BWT: Don't lie! We all know you're a useless character!

She then ran off crying! We get that reaction more than you might think!

BWT: Well that wraps up this issue of—!

IK: Wait a minute! What about my crack pairings? And what about the lem—Yachiru?

OI: And what about me?

BWT: Who cares!

IK: You can't just end the issue without explaining things!

BWT: Or can we?

IK: No of course not! It's wrong to continue ending on cliffhangers like this! What about people who read this stupid magazine of yours? Does anyone even read this garbage that you record? Do you even record anything? Are there any sane people left in this world besides me?

OI: I care Ichigo!

BWT: Blah, blah, stopped caring.

IK: …

OI: …

BWT: By the way, Ichigo, we were kidding earlier!

IK: Hu?

BWT: You did get a role in BLEACH!

IK: Really? As the main character?

BWT: No! As Orihime Inoue!

IK: …

OI: …

With that we leave you with a depressed Soul Reaper questioning his manliness, and more words of wisdom: always make sure to check the correct gender box on applications!

* * *

**A/N: **_I think from now on I'll let the Crew answer reviews instead of me. Keep 'em coming! Oh also, if you're a Byakuya/Hisana fan (and let's face it, who isn't?) I published a little one-shot about them you may want to take a gander at. Have a good one!_


	24. Fan Mail

**A/N: **_Sorry about the late issue guys, I was sick and busy this week. Enjoy!_

**Fan Mail**

Hey there this is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid saying that when your editor is sick your writing fails! Totally unrelated to that statement because our editor was sick we decided (were commanded) to answer fan mail this week instead! That's right, the infamous fan mail! Spoke of but never revealed—until now!

Ichigo Kurosaki: Oh joy, I'm in this one too.

BWT: Joy!

IK: Why can't you just do the issue like planned?

BWT: Ourz EDitor SayS BaD grAMmar wE!

Uryu Ishida: Dear Quincy my eyes! The grammar! The awful grammar! This is the worst story I've ever seen!

BWT: Hey only we can use caps like that! Now stop flaming and fetch us our letters monkey!

IK: You really are sick.

BWT: We're just fun can has!

IK: …

UI: Okay, I brought the 'fan mail,' but I don't think…

BWT: Neither do we! This letter is from one Momo Hinamori and she writes…

_Dear BLEACH Weekly Tabloid,_

_I would sure love it if you would do a special on Aizen. In fact I think Aizen just needs to be featured in more issues in general. You really don't show enough of him and his handsome features and good looks… well I'm sure you know what I mean, after all, who doesn't love Aizen?_

_Sincerely,_

_Momo Hinamori_

An awkward silence fills the room after the final line is read until we have what some people call an "outburst."

BWT: That was predictable!

UI: Hey, wait, there's another line there!

IK: Did she actually ask who _doesn't_?

BWT: Oh right! P. S. I would also like to give a shout out to Toshiro Hitsugaya.

Suddenly said soul reaper bursts through the nearest window, landing gracefully on all fours! Like a cat! Or dog! We give it a ten!

Toshiro Hitsugaya: She mentioned me?

BWT: Someone's overly excited!

TH: She actually mentioned me amongst her Aizen rants!

IK: Hey Toshiro—?

TH: Oh isn't it wonderful Ichigo my old chum?

BWT: We think he's broken!

IK: Snap out of it man!

BWT: The next letter's from Orihime!

IK: …

BWT: Ahem:

_Dear People,_

_I'm coming for you. I will suck out your soul and feed it to the nearest hallow, do you read me? I'm coming! Mark my words, I'm on my way, and you had better not forget it! Consider this a challenge letter!_

_Your rival, _

_Orihime Inoue_

BWT: And the P.S. says… "I'm bringing cookies." She really is threatening our lives!

IK: Wait a second! She didn't mention me at all?

TH: Oh you poor boy.

IK: Shut up Toshiro!

BWT: To answer those questions and avoid an awkward pairing war from taking place: we're staying away from Aizen! Last time we approached him he seriously unleashed Grimmjow on us! Literally! Although we question the collar…

IK: …Did you just—?

BWT: And Orihime is right! She will show up in a few issues!

UI: …

BWT: But not this one!

IK: Whatever, here's the next one.

BWT: This letter comes to us from Hanataro Yamada and he says:

_Dear Magazine, _

_Hello there, my name is Hanataro Yamada. I'm part of Squad Four—!_

BWT: That's weird!

IK: What? Let me see that.

The rude substitute quickly snatched the letter from our hands, but even more quickly gave it back after he realized the problem!

IK: What's up with those ink splotches?

BWT: Who knows! More importantly, who cares!

UI: Well, actually he seemed kind of helpful and—!

BWT: That's right no one! Moving on, the letter continues after the blob of ink:

_I'm sorry, Yasochika Iemura just attacked me out of no where. He claimed to be running from Kenpachi Zaraki, but I don't see—Oh my Yamamoto!_

BWT: Hmm, more ink blobs… what could it mean?

IK: You're really stupid aren't you?

UI: Now, now Ichigo no need to—.

BWT: Zip it four-eyes! The letter continues:

_Well, apparently Captain Zaraki was in fact chasing him, although I'm not sure why. I've gotten off topic though; I'm sorry! I just wanted to ask you if you would be featuring more minor characters in your magazine. Like me for example. I'm actually willing to interview for the magazine, and I wouldn't cause any trouble! Please consider my request!_

_Thank you,_

_Hanataro Yamada _

BWT: Me, me, me that's all we heard! Here Ichigo, burn this letter!

IK: Okay, first of all, I don't have any way to burn it. And aren't you going to consider his request at all? You do use a lot of the same characters over and over again.

BWT: We do not! We even brought Uryu in today!

UI: You told me this was a sewing club meeting.

BWT: Zip it four-eyes!

UI: …

BWT: Next letter!

IK: Hey wait—!

BWT: Next. Letter.

IK: Oh my Yamamoto.

UI: The next letter is from… Aizen? I thought you said you weren't putting him in the magazine any more!

BWT: We don't know, we just work here!

UI: That doesn't make sense!

IK: Give me that! What does it say?

BWT: It says…

_Mr. Weekly Tabloid, _

_Greetings. Although I'd much rather you stay far away, unfortunately Nel is currently storing one of your soul reapers in one of my holding cells. I would appreciate if you came to fetch her and left promptly afterwards. Although, if I must, I will compromise and give you an interview with an Espada of your choice in exchange for a hasty departure._

_Truly yours,_

_Sosuke Aizen_

_P.S. No, I do not have any relation to Sosuke Sagara. That is our first name, not our last. _

BWT: He's not!

IK: He does!

IU: Okay can I leave yet? The stupidity in the room is starting to drop my IQ.

BWT: You have plenty to spare! Now let's go to Hueco Mundo!

As the brave trio—mean us and two hostages—made our way to said desert-like area we read more fan mail! We even allowed Uryu to answer one!

BWT: The next letter comes from Don Kanonji, and as an added bonus, Uryu gets to respond to this!

UI: Wait, why me?

BWT: Because we said so!

IK: Don Kanonji writes…

UI: Stop helping them!

_Greetings Tabloid People!_

_My name is Don Kanonji and I would like to offer you an exclusive interview with yours truly! That's right you can interview me, the one, the only, the great Don Kanonji! Of course there will have to be a small fee as my time is precious, but I trust you'll spread word of me with your great magazine. What's a few hundred dollars between friends after all? No doubt this will be your most popular issue and the dough will just roll in! _

_Have your people call my people,_

_Don Kanonji_

BWT: It's funny because this is a free tabloid!

IK: It is? Rukia keeps charging me whenever I have her pick it up for me at the story!

BWT: Laziness doesn't pay kids! Now answer the letter Uryu!

UI: How am I supposed to know whether or not you want to hang out with this loser?

BWT: Answer the letter! Answer the letter!

IK: Answer the letter!

UI: Shut up! Fine, Don Kanonji, this person—.

BWT: People.

UI: …These people will be in contact and feature you in a future issue.

BWT: Hey why did you agree to do that!

UI: But you just told me—!

BWT: That few hundred dollars is coming out of your pocket!

UI: I don't have—!

IK: He agrees, now let's get the hostage and get out!

BWT: He enjoys this a little too much!

We arrived at the holding cell, finding Nel sitting outside of it playing Pong on a handheld! Technology in Hueco Mundo is low!

Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck: Oh hey there, she's inside.

IK: Who is it?

Nel: Well, it's…

Suddenly a pink blur bursts out from within the holding cell.

Nel: She's loose!

Yachiru Kusajishi: Freedom!

BWT: So that's where she went!

IK: Oh no! Kenpachi will—!

Something crashed through the roof above us, spewing debris everywhere and knocking an unsuspecting Grimmjow unconscious as he rounded the corner.

BWT: The corner…

IK: What?

Kenpachi Zaraki: Ah! There's Ichigo and Yachiru! What luck!

BWT: Hi Zaraki!

YK: I'm not going back! Freedom!

The psychotic lieutenant dashes down the hallway on all fours, howling like a rabid monkey-dog!

KZ: [Censor]! I have to go get her before I can fight you. I'll be back Ichigo, stay right here!

With that the burly captain of Squad Eleven runs down the hallway chasing after the… well we're actually not sure what to think of her anymore!

BWT: How long does it take for her to run out of energy?

IK: After you fed her candy at Halloween it took months.

BWT: Uh-oh!

IK: Yeah no kidding, now how are you going to—Hey you have to take responsibility for this!

BWT: Not caring!

UI: Why am I here again?

BWT: And with that we tack on hastily, this is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! Until next time remember: don't feed the animals—or Yachiru!

IK: Wait a second, how can you just wrap it up like that? I mean where did Toshiro go? Or Nel for that matter? And what about—?

BWT: Bye!


	25. WGoaP

**A/N: **_The hidden picnic._

**We're Going on a Picnic Part IV**

Greetings people of E-arth! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid saying our issues are so out of order, even this professional ventriloquist couldn't help us!

Byakuya Kuchiki: I am _not _a ventriloquist.

BWT: You lied to us!

BK: …

BWT: Anyways, the results from the poll are in, and we decided to—!

The door to Ichigo's room flies open and in stomps more happy campers!

Keigo Asano: Hello! Hello! Bring out the ladies because Keigo is here!

BWT: He uses more exclamation marks than us!

BK: …

Sentaro Kotsubaki: What's this I hear about women?

Renji Abarai: Shouldn't you be taking care of your boss or fighting with your girlfriend?

SK: He's not my boss and she _is _my girlfriend! Er, no, wait that's not right what I meant was—!

BWT: It's canon now!

RA: But seriously why are you here?

SK: I earned this vacation as a special privilege for all my hard work! Which really makes me wonder why you're here, seeing as how you never follow orders.

RA: Hey! I work hard all the time!

SK: For yourself maybe. You're really selfish you know that?

Yumichika Ayasegawa: I second that.

BWT: Hey look, more obscure people!

YA: I'm not obscure you just haven't featured me in your magazine yet! But never fear, I'll make this magazine beautiful!

RA: Yeah, you'll also make it g—.

SK: Renji! That's no way to speak to a lady!

RA: What? I was going to say 'great,' and Yumichika is a _guy_.

SK: Holy [censor]! She—I mean—he is?

YA: Of course I am! Isn't it obvious?

SK: Uh, so anyways, why are we here?

Suddenly the closet door flies open and a very angry soul reaper jumps out.

Rukia Kuchiki: Who the [censor] are you people? And why are you meeting here of all places? I'm trying to [censor] sleep!

To everyone's surprise a more handsome form of Ichigo crashed through the window, landing gracefully on his feet! What a dreamboat!

Kaien Shiba: Now, now Rukia is that any way to talk to your superiors?

RK: Oh, it's you.

KS: W-what? Why the cold shoulder Rukia?

BWT: This is awkward!

KA: Well, you did stab her in Hueco Mundo.

Everyone turns to look at the single human in the room.

SK: H-how do you know about that? I barely know about that and I'm practically a captain's assistant!

KA: It's on Adult Swim, like, every Saturday.

BWT: No! The wall! The precious, precious wall!

BK: …

A tumbleweed blows through the room as old western music starts playing somewhere in the background!

BWT: Uh-oh!

KA: What's uh-oh? And where's that music coming from? Oh gawsh the voices! They're back for me!

All: …

Suddenly the door is blown off its hinges, taking out yet another window!

Quick, pop quiz! How many windows have we broken since the start of this magazine?

BK: Aizen.

Sosuke Aizen: Byakuya. Rukia.

RK: Aizen. Kaien.

KS: Rukia. Renji.

RA: Kaien. Gin.

Gin Ichimaru: Renji. Grimmjow.

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Gin. Uliquiorra.

Uliquiorra Cifer: Grimmjow. Yumichika.

YA: Uliquiorra. Keigo.

Another tumbleweed blows through.

BWT: Us!

All: Shut up!

GJ: So what were we invited to exactly?

SA: I'm wondering the same thing. I didn't bring my best and brightest here for nothing.

GI: I'm your best and brightest?

RA: No wonder you all lost.

BWT: Hey! This magazine is only approved for early-Arrancar arc spoilers!

Everyone ignored this and turned towards the door as footsteps could be heard on the stairs! Who could it possibly be?

The door flies open to reveal none other than…

Ichigo Kurosaki: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What the [censor] are you all doing in my room? How the [censor] are you even fitting this many people?

SA: Ichigo.

IK: Aizen. Byakuya.

BK: Ichigo. Rukia.

BWT: Tabloid people!

All: …

IK: Get the [censor] out.

Only approximately half the group fearing Ichigo's temper, we packed up and left for the park! Where else? As we approached the spacious, crowd-free field we passed a dumpster, which shook and growled at us.

BWT: Ahh! Kaien save us!

Byakuya, Rukia, and Kaien all approached the dumpster cautiously.

KS: …What do you think it could be?

RK: Who knows?

BK: We should kill it. Then kill Kaien.

BWT: We agree!

KS: Yeah, that sounds like a—hey wait a minute! What did I do to you people?

RA: You tried to _kill_ Rukia!

BWT: Early arc spoilers only darn it!

Distracting us from the conversation at hand, the dumpster lid flew off Team Rocket style to reveal a rather ragged person holding a cat, which sat in a hat. More on that in our regular issue this Sunday!

Karin Kurosaki: Oh thank goodness someone opened that lid finally!

KS: But we didn't…

KK: Well I had better get back home. Who knows what's happened since I left!

The odd placeholder promptly left, leaving behind her cat, which of course meant someone came looking for her—no not the cat, the hat!

Kisuke Urahara: My hat! There you are my precious! Did you nice people find my hat?

BWT: Yes, yes we did! Where's our reward?

KU: There isn't one! Ha ha ha!

BWT: Ha ha ha! You're going in our Death Note later! Ha ha ha!

KU: Ha ha h-hey wait, what?

RA: Oh yeah, by the way, the burgers are ready.

KU: Free food?

Yoruichi Shihoin: Always thinking about your stomach.

Everyone in the immediate area went silent and stared at Yoruichi.

KU: Yoruichi my love! When did you get here? And why are you naked?

KS: …

RK: Kaien!

KS: What? I wasn't staring!

RA: Yeah you were.

KS: Shut it! You have no room to talk! You're _still _staring!

RA: So?

KS: …

BK: I'm going to go talk with Gin now.

BWT: We smell a new pairing!

Several minutes later our vast-and-growing group fixed a nice little picnic, but there was still a question left to be answered!

Keigo Asano: Oh my gawsh a hawt babe!

KU: Yourichi darling why won't you put any clothes on?

YS: Meow!

KU: You're not a cat anymore…

YS: Meow!

BWT: Haw!

GJ: What the [censor] was that?

SK: More importantly, when's the food going to be done? This picnic isn't very picnic-y without food you know.

YA: This whole picnic isn't very beautiful.

KA: And if she's taken, we'll need more hawt babes.

BWT: Well we could—!

Suddenly our cell phone rings! Of course we don't have a cell phone; we stole Ichigo's!

BWT: Hello!

_Orihime Inoue: Don't forget, I'm coming for you! I'm on my—where did this traffic come from?_

BWT: Ha ha! You'll never catch us!

_OI: Just you wait! I'll be there soon and when I—what in the world is that police car do—Ahh!_

BWT: How strange, the line seems to have gone dead!

All: …

KA: No more hawt babes?

BWT: Sadly, no!

KA: Aw…

BWT: Kidding! Here comes another guest!

SA: This is an awful lot of people for a picnic.

YA: Yes I'm beginning to sweat. Sweat is so ugly.

UC: You're obviously having trouble juggling this many characters while keeping them in-character.

BWT: Stop! Stop breaking the wall! Bad things happen to people who break the—!

Suddenly a giant hollow foot comes out of no where and smashes Uliquiorra!

GJ: Holy [censor] hollow! Boss that guy just _killed _Uliquiorra! What do we do?

SA: Not now Grimmjow, I'm eating my hamburger.

GJ: …

GI: Yeah so then they come in through the roof, which is impressive since—Why's everyone looking at us?

BK: We're trying to hold a conversation.

BWT: Characters not make sense. Why we talk like caveman?

Suddenly two shadowy, clichéd figures approached from the direction of the setting sun, giving them a cool silhouette-y effect!

In a hopeful manner, Keigo dares to venture a guess!

KA: Hawt… babes?

Sure enough, they were girls!

Nemu Kurotsuchi: Greetings. Apologies for arriving late. May I take that specimen?

Nemu points towards the crumpled corpse of Uliquiorra.

GI: Sure, sure, now where was I?

BK: That part with the flowers.

GI: Oh, right so…

YA: I love this story!

RA: Soup's on!

KU: But I wanted burgers!

BWT: Too American! Soup is funner to grill!

RA: Funner isn't a work.

KS: Besides, we _did_ grill burgers.

SK: Food. Want. Food.

Isane Kotetsu: Oh hello there Sentaro.

SK: Ah! When'd you get here?

IK: I arrived with Nemu.

NK: Please insert burger.

KS: Uh…

RA: Insert where [censor] it?

Meanwhile, with Isane and Sentaro

SK: Oh right. Uh so how's your mom?

IK: She's okay…

SK: …

IK: And Kiyone says hi.

SK: I didn't ask!

Sentaro promptly runs away, stealing another burger off the grill in the process!

IK: Well then, I'll just check and see how that potato salad is doing.

YA: Potato salad. Now that's beautiful.

GJ: How can you all just sit here enjoying a stupid picnic when we're supposed to be mortal enemies? Are you all high?

SA: Grimmjow, please, you're embarrassing me. Again.

GI: Really, Grimmjow, get a grip.

BWT: Stop yelling!

GJ: You're yelling too!

BWT: We're not yelling.

GJ: …Just give me a burger.

RA: One burger coming up!

GJ: I said give me a burger not chuck it at my face!

KS: Oh, here you go!

GJ: Hey! That's raw!

KS: I thought kitty liked his meat raw…

BWT: Early arc only for Yamamoto's sake!

BK: Kaien step away from Rukia. Now.

KS: Sorry, sorry. Still don't get what I did.

BWT: You're dreamy!

KS: You're… really creepy.

BWT: Aw, you make us blush!

KS: …So Rukia!

RK: Drop it!

KS: You're no fun.

RK: I'm sorry Kaien, but you died and abandoned me then you had the nerve to return and stab me! I just can't deal with that type of relationship.

GI: She really can't handle any relationship at all.

BK: That's right. She shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

RK: Brother!

BWT: You got double-teamed!

RA: Wait, why's Gin helping Byakuya?

BK: Lesser of two evils.

BWT: Works for us! Also, everyone look at Cat and Hat!

The entire group turns to stare at Cat and Hat who were currently busy making out.

Renji, Kaien, and Keigo all zone out and stare.

BK: I'm bored. Gin, care for a round of Go?

YA: I'm coming too, these people are all ugly. Not like you though Byakuya.

GI: Sure!

BK: Don't sound so happy.

GI: Hey, I'm no Uliquiorra.

And back with Cat and Hat!

BWT: Those two are really going at it!

NK: Analyzing.

IK: I brought samples; I should give them some…

Then two men came out of nowhere and walked through our picnic area carrying a large glass window! Breakage in five…

KU: I love you burger!

YS: I love you Kisuke!

Four!

GI: Hey! That's cheating!

BK: Like you have room to talk. Aizen keeps sending hollows over to distract me.

SA: Am not!

GJ: Hey boss, I brought more hallows!

SA: …Shut up.

Three!

IK: …and always use protection.

SK: For the last time she's not my girlfriend! And she's your sister, shouldn't you be more defensive about this?

IK: I'm a doctor first though!

NK: Doctors. Winning, duh.

IK: You can say that again Nemu!

Two!

RA: Look! Now you burnt the stupid thing!

KS: Well Grimmjow keeps trying to get me to grill hallows, so I'm grilling everything until I know it's dead!

RA: The burger was _already_ dead though!

KS: Fine! You can eat yours raw now! Like kitty!

One!

RK: Hey Keigo do you hear that noise?

KA: What noise?

RK: Sounds like an angry mass hurtling in this direction.

KA: That was oddly spec—.

_Crash! _

Flying through the once pristine glass, and using the hard work of the two mover guys as a braking system, none other than Toshiro Hitsugaya crash landed in the middle of the picnic.

BWT: Look it's a short thing!

RK: Captain Hitsugaya? What are you doing here?

TH: I was invited, but I got lost!

SK: Is lost a fancy way of saying you were stalking Momo?

TH: Why don't you shut up and go stalk Lieutenant Kotetsu's sister some more?

SK: She's not my girlfriend—!

TH: I didn't say she was your girlfriend! Holy [censor] hallow!

GJ: That's what I said!

An awkward silence fell over the group. Another tumbleweed blew through.

TH: Why are they here?

Toshiro pointed harshly at the Hueco Mundo group, including the corpse.

Byakuya Kuchiki looked around guiltily.

BK: Die foul creatures, scatter!

GI: Hey but what about our Go match?

As fights broke out and the picnic was destroyed we realized two things!

BWT: Hey Yumichika where have you been for the majority of this picnic? You didn't get much air time!

YA: Observing your ugly behavior. Come to my place and we can give your magazine a make-over.

BWT: That answers one question, but… Kaien!

KS: What?

BWT: How—?

KS: Am I here? Well it's a great story and it starts with—!

BWT: No not that! How did you manage to burn burgers this badly?

KS: …

With the beautiful music of summoned Zanpakutos all around us, this is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid ending another special by saying: We're going on a picnic!

NK: Actually, we already went on a picnic.

BWT: …

RA: You got owned!

BWT: Hey Renji!

RA: What?

BWT: You lost your Zanpakuto again!

RA: [Censor]!


	26. Hat in the Cat

**Hat in the Cat**

We're BLEACH Weekly Tabloid and we're not publishing an issue today!

Just kidding, boy you should have seen your face!

This week we take a look at the Hat and the Cat and answer many pressing questions such as: will Orihime ever really show up? Well we certainly don't know!

To Urahara's shop!

We arrived at said shop shortly thereafter only to be ambushed by a crazy Chinese woman!

Soifon: What are you doing here?

BWT: We're interviewing—!

Soifon: I don't care! Who do you think you are trying to sneak up on us like this?

BWT: We weren't sneaking up! You can hear us coming from five miles away!

Soifon: Stop playing your mind games with me!

BWT: Our what now?

Soifon: I'll kill you!

BWT: This seems to be getting out of hand now!

Luckily for us, Urahara made an appearance just then! Walking out of the shop and grumbling about cheap customers, here's…

Kisuke Urahara: Soifon? I thought we had a restraining order placed on you.

Soifon: Never! You'll never restrain me! Smoke bombs!

BWT: Ow our lungs!

Just as Soifon disappeared in a puff of smoke, someone else stepped out of Urahara's shop and it was none other than…

Isshin Kurosaki: Kisuke what's going on out here?

KU: Oh that psycho [censor] was trying to kill someone on my property.

IK: Again?

KU: Again.

IK: Well come on, let's finish this game up. The kids will be getting home from school soon!

KU: You have kids?

IK: No, but those stalkers keep insisting that they're my children. If I don't play along with them, they could hurt my only real son!

KU: Ichigo?

IK: No, [spoilers].

KU: Oh, of course. Well let's get going.

Just as the two ex-captains turned to head back in the house, with us close behind of course, someone fell out of conveniently placed tree and crashed into Urahara!

IK: Oh my Yamamoto! Kisuke are you all right?

Coughing weakly, Urahara stretches out his hand in a dramatic fashion!

KU: _Cough._ Isshin, please, you have to tell him…

IK: Tell who what? Speak to my Kisuke!

KU: Tell Ichigo that…

IK: Yes, yes? Tell him what?

KU: Tell Ichigo that I'm…

IK: You're?

KU: Tell Ichigo that _I'm _his father!

IK: Kisuke! No! Not you too! No!

Weeping dramatically, the older Kurosaki clutches his dear, dead pal close. As he screamed at the top of his lungs, "Why cruel world why?" we decided it was time to check on what had killed him! To our shock and amazement it turned out to be…

Cat: Meow.

BWT: What business could a cat have in a tree!

IK: Can't you see I'm trying to mourn?

BWT: But he's alive!

KU: Shh, I'm trying to fake my death to remove a few, ahem, unsightly warrants.

IK: Warrants?

KU: For, uh, selling illegal drugs! Yeah, let's go with that.

Suddenly rounding the corner in an unpredictable manner came our favorite (only) Quincy!

Uryu Ishida: Hey wait a minute! This isn't the sewing club! Chad you lied to me again!

Chad: My bad.

UI: Well, let's keep looking. It has to be around here somewhere.

Chad: …

With that the two left! That's a weird way to transition! Back to the cat now!

Cat: Still meow.

BWT: Hey that cat can talk!

KU: Did you say talk?

IK: It would seem that creature can in fact speak.

BWT: You sound intelligent!

IK: That's what everyone tells me!

KU: I thought everyone told you, 'Stay away you freak of nature.'

IK: That too!

Cat: Meow. Woof—er, wait I meant meow. Yeah, let's go with that.

KU: I only know of two talking cats… and since I ate one this could only be…!

With a similar dramatic flair as everything else, the cat suddenly started to transform!

BWT: Go, go power rangers!

IK: Oh my gawsh I love that show! Squeal!

KU: Did you just _say_ squeal?

IK: Yeah, so?

KU: Just making sure.

IK: Squeal!

BWT: Squeal!

Ex-Cat: Shut up all of you!

BWT: I liked you better as a not-talking cat!

KU: Yeah!

Ex-Cat: Shut up Kisuke!

KU: Wait I know that tone of voice!

IK: It couldn't be!

BWT: Or could it!

KU: Yoruichi?

Yoruichi Shihoin: That's right! It is I, Cat Woman! Er, I mean Yoruichi!

KU: Why the [censor] were you in my tree?

YS: Why not?

KU: Touché.

IK: Aw man, it's time for the stalkers—I mean children—to get home!

KU: We'll have to continue our game at a later time then.

IK: Fine. I would've won too.

KU: Bye Isshin, better luck next time!

BWT: Needs more transition!

KU: You're right! Let's go inside!

BWT: The in-doors is fun!

We trooped inside of Urahara's house forward slash shop rather sloppy.

YS: This place is a pigsty Kisuke. Don't you ever clean?

KU: If you don't like it then you should have stayed in the Soul Society!

YS: Maybe I'll go back!

KU: You can't!

YS: Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?

KU: No I mean you literally can't! There's an arrest warrant on your head still.

YS: Oh that's right. Well [censor].

KU: Now that that's out of the way, welcome to my humble abode strange people I found on the street!

BWT: We like humble abodes! Even ones that smell like something died!

KU: Why thank you!

BWT: You're welcome!

YS: Ugh, seriously Kisuke, how old is this pizza box?

Our attention was then turned to said pizza box which dangled from Ex-Cat's fingers as she held it at arm length in pure disgust. Ex-Cats have sensitive noses!

KU: Only a day or two…

YS: Kisuke…

KU: Or twenty-three.

YS: That's what I thought. Now where are your magical little cleaning fairies?

KU: I sold them.

YS: You sold them?

KU: For that box of pizza!

YS: …

BWT: We wish we had pizza or cleaning fairies to buy pizza with!

YS: What about those other people. You know, big Mr. Muscles and the two little kids you keep around… which is really creepy by the way.

KU: Yeah see about that…

YS: Don't tell me you…?

KU: Well they're some where in the house I just don't know where! It's not my fault they get buried under avalanches!

YS: Those avalanches are composed of all the junk you leave lying around!

KU: Oh my Yoruichi is that an innuendo in front of our guests here?

YS: What? No! Get cleaning!

KU: Aw, you're no fun.

As Mr. Hat went off to start shoveling away masses of debris, we took a chance to talk to Ex-Cat!

BWT: Hi Ex-Cat!

YS: My name is _not_ Ex-Cat. It's Yoruichi Shihoin.

BWT: Right so Cat, why were in that tree?

YS: …I was hiding from that stalker.

BWT: Which one?

YS: …Soifon.

BWT: We thought you two were best friends!

YS: Well, we were…

BWT: Until she tried to kill you!

YS: What? No. No, it was before that—wait how did you know about that?

BWT: Lucky guess! Also she tried to kill us!

YS: Oh right. She and I were the best of friends until—.

BWT: She tried to kiss you!

YS: _What?_ No! She never tried to—okay no it wasn't because of that either!

BWT: Aha!

YS: Okay, I'm going back to my tree now.

BWT: Bye Cat!

As the crazy cat lady left, Urahara returned, sensing that the danger of an angry girlfriend had passed!

KU: Whew, that was a close one. She almost found out about the new arrest warrants!

BWT: That reminds us, what game were you playing with the eldest Kurosaki!

KU: Pokemon, of course.

BWT: Well that answers that! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid saying thanks for tuning in!

KU: And this is Kisuke Urahara saying buy illegally!

BWT: Next time we eat a dog!


	27. The Dog Goes Moo

**The Dog Goes Moo**

Hey there subscribers! We're BLEACH Weekly Tabloid and this is… The Price Is Right! No wait. This is… Who wants to be a Millionaire! Wait that's not right either…

Well whoever we are, we like dogs, and we assume you like dogs too!

Roy Mustang: I _love_ dogs!

That's the spirit! Now let's go visit our favorite pup and spend the day with Captain Koma-mama-komi-kami-u-ara… Sajin!

Sajin Komamura: Why are you in my house, little ones?

BWT: Why _aren't _you in a dog house? We think that's the more pertinent question here.

SK: Why did you use a plural remark when-?

BWT: That joke's old!

SK: Is this supposed to be an interview?

BWT: _Is _this supposed to be an interview?

SK: I was under the impression you are a journalist of some sort.

BWT: What's a journalist do?

SK: A journalist writes articles.

BWT: . . . About what?

SK: Anything, I suppose.

BWT: Where do they write these 'articles' you speak of?

SK: Typically in magazines or papers or—.

BWT: Wait! You mean to tell us that writing these issues on bathroom walls isn't _right_?

SK: I don't think that's the only thing not right—.

BWT: We have to go tell Kenji!

SK: Who?

BWT: Kenji! Kenji listen to what the dog-man taught us!

Renji Abarai: Have you been drinking again? My name's _Ren_-ji, not _Ken-_ji. Where'd you even get that name from?

BWT: Why are _you _asking so many questions?

RA: You just broke into my house!

BWT: That gives you no right to question us!

Byakuya Kuchiki: Lieutenant Abarai what is—?

BWT: By-by!

BK: No.

After being promptly kicked out of the Squad Six barracks we realized that we totally forgot the point of going there in the first place.

Then suddenly a New Challenger Appeared!

Shinji Hirako: Huh?

BWT: Hey you don't belong in the Seireitei!

SH: Wait. Who are you? What am I doing here?

BWT: We—we're not sure! But we'll find out maybe! But probably not!

SH: Where are you going?

BWT: Follow us Yellow Dog Nine!

SH: . . . Who's Yellow Dog One?

We were quick to return to the doghouse of one Ko-Komaru-Ko—Captain Sajin!

BWT: Yellow Dog One!

SH: Oh so that's who—.

SK: I'm not yellow. Or a dog for that matter—.

BWT: We need you to identify this guy!

SK: Why would you think I—?

BWT: Because Yellow Dogs stick together!

SH: Is this an extended golden retriever joke that lost its punch line twenty minutes ago or what?

SK: No. This person—

BWT: People!

SK: —is right. We must discover the truth behind your appearance here.

SH: Well I guess that would be—.

SK: Furthermore, I believe that Yellow Dog must refer to your hair color, and not myself in any way, shape, or form.

SH: I mean it must have something to do with—.

BWT: That's the spirit Captain Dog! We must go visit Captain Moo!

SH: Is he five years old? And what's with everyone interrupting—?

SK: Right you are little friend. Take us to this one you call 'Captain Moo,' for I fear that my help alone will not be enough in this drastic moment.

BWT: Follow us! Yellow Dogs out!

After a lengthy trip around the Seireitei, we finally arrived at our destination!

SH: _A _lengthy trip? You took us around the whole place _three _times. Do you realize how big this place is? How far that is to _walk? _

BWT: It's not our faults you can't fly!

SH: I can too! You're the one we were waiting on—how did you even _get _here? How do you keep getting back here? How—?

SK: Are you sure this is the right place, young one?

BWT: We guess so!

Our two companions looked at each other nervously for some reason before knocking on the door. They stepped back and watched carefully as nothing happened.

SH: So is he—?

BWT: Darn! Guess they're closed today.

SH: Who?

BWT: Our favorite ice cream store! Oh well!

After another lengthy trip we finally arrived at our true destination!

SH: Is this… a shrine of some sort?

SK: Indeed. It would seem to be a fine shrine—no doubt one of the finest on earth!

BWT: Oh great golden cow!

SH: Why did I get a sudden feeling of sacrilege just now?

SK: Silence! The cow is speaking!

SH: Right…

Golden Cow Statue: What is it you need most exalted Writers?

SH: Wait. Wait. Just—stop. The cow knows this guy? The cow statue is alive and knows this guy?

GCS: These guys.

SH: Do _not _correct me. There's clearly only one—!

_Bsszat! _

SH: Moo?! [Translation: The [censor]?!]

BWT: Oh Cow, you always know just how to solve our problems!

GCS: Think nothing of it O Wise Writers.

BWT: Hey that was pretty good simile!

SK: Do you now mean alliteration young—?

_Bsszat!_

SK: Moo. . . [Translation: I have paid grievously for my transgressions.]

BWT: Huh. You know. We can't remember what we came here for in the first place!

SH: Moo! Mooo! [Translation: Me! Why am I here?]

BWT: Oh well we're sure it's nothing important! Let's go guys!

GCS: Farewell. And may your travels to seek the remaining Yellow Dogs be a success.

SH: Mooo?! [Translation: The statue is in on this too?!]

_Bsszat! _

BWT: Huh. That's new.

Laying before us, where Yellow Dog Nine once stood, was now nothing more than a large pile of steaks. There really was only one _right _thing to do with them.

_Ding-dong!_

Ichigo Kurosaki: Yeah? What is it?

BWT: Hi Red Dog!

IK: I'm not even going to—why the [censor] do you have a cow?!

BWT: Oh this little fellow?

IK: He's [censor] huge!

BWT: He's just Yellow Dog One!

IK: He's not even yellow…

BWT: Enough about him though!

SK: Moo! [Translation: Ichigo, please, you must help me young replacement reaper!]

BWT: We brought you fresh steaks from—uh—the market! Yeah. That's a good cover story…

IK: I don't think… I trust you. At all.

BWT: Why would you hurt our feelings like this?

IK: Wait what?

BWT: Not accepting our gift is bad karma!

SK: MOO! [Translation: Ichigo! Quickly! Do as he asks! Lest you fall to the same fate as poor, unfortunate Yellow Dog Nine!]

IK: What's your cow so worked up about?

BWT: Don't change the subject!

IK: Fine. I'll just give them to my old man or something I guess.

BWT: Well bye then!

With that we made a quick escape having left Ichigo with more pounds of beef than his small family could ever possibly consume—if we lived in the real world that is! Anime families have no problems consuming disproportionate amounts of food!

Meanwhile back at base!

BWT: This is so exciting Yellow Dog One! Now you can be our mascot forever and ever and…

SK: Moo… [Translation: Please kill me now…]

To be continued . . .

* * *

**A/N: **_A big special thank you to ArrancarRayflo for the continued support. _


	28. Orihime's Revenge

_A belated thank you to The Layman, who long ago (when this 'magazine' first started) insisted I do an Orihime dedicated chapter. This has been long awaited and long deserved, so I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading. _

* * *

**Orihime's Revenge**

Guten Tag! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid reminding you that even the princess can be pushed too far. Why else would Zelda and Peach join Super Smash Bros?

Orihime Inoue: Finally! This is the issue I get revenge for that last issue!

Roy Mustang: You _hate_ dogs?

OI: No the one before that!

Kisuke Urahara: You hate cats?

OI: No before that!

BWT: When was the last time you read this story?

OI: Never mind that! I want my revenge!

BWT: Fine… but you have to take Hanataro Yamada with you!

OI: Why him?

BWT: Because we like his spirit! Also because you have to find him, he got lost in the sewers… again!

OI: That doesn't make any sense.

BWT: Anything in this tabloid does?

OI: …Good point. Let's go find him!

BWT: Yay!

Sajin Komamura: Moo!

OI: Why is there a cow following us to the sewers?

BWT: Cows can be plumbers too! Don't dash his hopes and dreams for a better future!

OI: What?

BWT: When he started he was the sun of a poor Italian immigrant…

OI: Is this going somewhere?

BWT: But then he managed, through the life insurance—the very death of his father!—to attend a trade school!

OI: Immigrants have life insurance?

SK: Moo! [That's racist!]

BWT: And after years of hard work, he finally reached his goal of becoming a plumber. The best in the business.

OI: I guess that's a pretty inspiring story—.

BWT: And that's why he was called on to rescue the princess when she fell into the grasps of an evil mutated turtle—_not of the ninja variety._

OI: …Did you just change fandoms twice in the same sentence?

SK: Moo! [Do not insult him—them—kind lady!]

BWT: Here we are!

OI: We've been here for twenty minutes.

BWT: Good point. This is taking too long. Oh if only we had some sort of dog like creature to help sniff out this poor lost soul. . .

SK: .Moo. [. . .]

Hanataro Yamada: Hi guys I just randomly appeared for the sake of story progression!

BWT: What a relief! We thought we'd have to create actual plot points in order to find you!

HY: Not in this life time!

Everyone heartily laughs.

BWT: But seriously, everyone get back into character.

HY: I was so scared!

OI: Has anyone seen Ichigo? I'm worried and feel the urge to be kidnapped coming on.

SK: Moo.

BWT: Close enough!

At this time _Bleach Weekly Tabloid _would like to remind you that we don't play beyond the scope of the Rescue Orihime/Hueco Mundo arc of the _Bleach_ series. Our editors asked us to mention this because it's somehow important to you and why there aren't certain characters or plot devices, like hollow forms and new captains—whatever that means!

OI: Now can I have my revenge?

BWT: Why not?

OI: Great! Let's start by going back to my place.

BWT: A girl finally invited us back to her house. Mom? Mom! Did you see that? Did you see—?

_Clang! _

The next thing we can remember for some reason is waking up at Orihime's house. Although no one would admit it, we strongly suspected it had something to do with the suspicious looking cow—not the vengeance-seeking princess with a skillet that was shaped oddly like our skulls!

BWT: Wow! That powerful aroma certainly brought us back to consciousness. What is that terrible smell?

SK: Moo? [Perhaps these awakening oils I've used somehow with my hoofs in order to wake you up?]

BWT: Nope! Not that!

SK: Mooo—! [Wait! You can understand me? Please, please turn me back—!]

Upon further investigation we found the source of our awakening to be the Yamamoto-awful smell bubbling up from the cauldron of the witch—we mean Orihime! We refuse to take back the remark on her cooking.

OI: Do you want some grub before we head out?

BWT: Against our better judgment, yes, yes we do!

OI: Here you go!

We sat down on the couch and felt the eyes of Orihime and a cow alike on our clammy necks. Every hair on our body stood on end as we gazed into the bubbling concoction. An eyeball floated to the top, but was quickly consumed by some unidentifiable creature. We picked up our spoons and took a bite.

BWT: That…

OI: Yes?

BWT: Was the best thing we've ever had!

After quickly scarfing down our first serving we couldn't help but eat the entire pot—though we generously left some for both Orihime and the cow. The cow, rude fellow that he is, declined his portion.

OI: Now that we have some food in our stomachs we can begin plotting our next move!

BWT: Why are you angry again? We feel like we haven't been around any of you people for months for some reason.

OI: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I'm angry because of this!

BWT: We can't see what you're thinking.

OI: Put in a flashback!

BWT: Oh that's what that gesture means!

Enter flashback!

SK: Moo.

End flashback!

OI: That wasn't even close to what I wanted! That was just last issue!

BWT: And what an issue it was!

OI: You can't possibly expect your readers to remember what happened ages ago when you used to update on a regular basis!

BWT: And you can't expect us to remember either!

OI: You wrote the story though!

BWT: Hey shout marks are our thing!

OI: Why do you remember that but not my flashback?

BWT: Remember what?

OI: Let's just go to the Seireitei!

BWT: Whatever you say angry lady!

Thus we went to the Seireitei!

Kisuke Urahara: You're not going to mention how I helped you get there?

BWT: Everyone probably already figured that plot device out!

KU: I don't think that gives you permission to skip—.

At the Seireitei we said!

KU: Fine. That will be ten souls.

BWT: On our tab they go!

KU: You know I cut you off at 200 souls, and you've already traveled around quite a bit—.

BWT: We love you too!

Now finally at the Seireitei!

HY: Uhm, guys, you seem to have left me earlier when you went off, and I was just wondering—?

BWT: Next issue!

HY: Okay. . .

BWT: By the way! Where in the Soul Society are we going?

OI: You'll see.

BWT: Oh let's go visit Uncle Byakuya!

Byakuya Kuchiki: I'm not your uncle.

BWT: But we love you.

BK: . . .

BWT: He's cold, but we love him.

Kensei Muguruma: Who are you and why are you talking to me?

BWT: Who are _you _and why are _you _talking to _us_?

KM: I'm leaving now.

OI: Excuse me, Mr. Kuchiki sir, is Rukia home?

BK: What do you want with her orange-haired devil child?

BWT: That's a little out of character.

OI: I-I just want to talk to her.

BK: Hmm. Very well then. She just so happens to be in the backyard.

BWT: You have a backyard?

Our question ignored, we follow the Red-Haired Princess Warrior to the supposedly existent backyard!

OI: Rukia!

Rukia Kuchiki: Orihime? What are you doing here?

OI: I-I've come to talk about something very important.

RK: What is it?

OI: For a long time now… I've… Been afraid to tell you how I truly feel.

Suddenly cherry blossoms rain down out of nowhere, though we have our suspicions.

Most likely it was the cow again!

SK: Moo. [How beautiful. Young and forbidden…]

RK: Orihime… is this what I think it is?

OI: Y-yes! Rukia, you see, the truth is I—!

RK: Say no more! I understand without your words.

BWT: Whoa when did you two get so close to each other? I thought you were standing like twenty feet away just a second ago!

OI: Please, consider it—consider what it could be! What it could mean…

RK: I have! But you know we can't. Such a thing _is _forbidden after all.

OI: We don't need to live by their rules!

RK: Sadly, we do. This is a shonen manga after all.

OI: What does that have anything to do with it?!

RK: It is written in the Rule Book of Shonen, after the main character must eat like a horse but gain no weight, and before there must be a rival that all female fans see as a potential yaoi partner for the main character.

OI: And what does that law say that's so vital?!

RK: The females must know their place.

OI: And what place would that be?

RK: For me, it is only to be the powerful female that turns out to be a bit of a princess.

OI: And for me?

RK: A princess is all you ever were—and it's all you'll ever be.

OI: No! I can't stand it!

RK: It's the way of this world Orihime—and you know I can't change that any more than you can. We—we are merely… static characters.

OI: No!

BWT: This whole conversation has taken a strangely serious twist. We don't like it.

BK: Why is Captain Komamura naked and passed out in my backyard?

BWT: That's better!

SK: Wh-what's going on here?

BWT: He broke the curse! Let's here it for Yellow Dog One!

OI: What about the real and important issue of our lack of development at this point in the series?

BWT: Are you kidding us? _Bleach _is probably, like, 546 chapters long by now! We're sure you'll change eventually!

OI: Really?

BWT: Nope!


End file.
